Be Where you are

As I sing you to sleep,

I am missing holding your small body.

I haven't been a parent long,

but long enough to know

you grow too quick.

As I try to keep our dinner time under control

I am hating myself for not letting you

laugh and squeal and scream with happiness.

I am relatively young,

but old enough to know

innocent bliss doesn't last forever.

As I hustle you out of the house with me

and feel my patience dwindle

I know I don't have the time now-

but someday,

I will have all the time in the world

and I wont have you to share it with.

Each day I try to savor you. Each day I remind myself how precious each moment is. And as I foresee your growth I realize it is coming and the present is going and nothing like parenting can teach you the importance of being where you are. Unfortunately we realize this in retrospect. My daughter is 40 inches tall. She came out of me 21 3/8th inches long. By five she will have doubled her length - and that is slow compared to so many other aspects of her development. I guess this is why that Duggar family on TV has like 18 kids - the growth, the doubling and your job will never end. There certainly is a limit to my patience as a mother and I want to do a good job so 18 would not suit me well. I suppose I reflect on them because I love them so much and by the nature of it, my love must change again and again as they grow. And I love them more and more and more...

Book Review

I recently read an excellent book about a women with Alzheimer's disease. This novel hit me on so many levels, first because I have worked in nursing homes with Alzheimer's units for several years and seen this terrible disease manifest, and second because I have a dear friend who's mother has early onset Alzheimer's disease. After reading this, I wanted everyone, especially those I work with to read it too. I wrote the following book review that was distributed at my work and published in a local paper.

The novel Still Alice by Lisa Genova was real and was profound. It was so real that it both haunted me and made me grateful. The New York Times Bestseller is a novel chronicling a well-educated women with early-onset Alzheimer's Disease and it illustrates so touchingly how it might feel to be her. For anyone who has been touched by this disease, or like me who works with many adults afflicted by this disease, this is a must-read. Originally inspired by her grandmother's trial with Alzheimer's, the doctorate level Neuroscience trained author embarked on a journey into the mind of amyloid plaques and killed off neurons.

Alice Howland, the main character, was a professor at Harvard who prided herself on her renowned research, sought after ease with speaking at world-wide conferences, and inspiring daily lectures at the University. When she began to find that she was at a loss for the correct word to complete her thoughts in regular conversation, or that she had forgotten to return an important email, she wondered what might be plaguing her mind so unusually. Early on in the novel, Dr. Howland went for her daily run through her stomping ground of Harvard Yard and she became anxious and confused. After years of habitual, effortless strides, she did not know which direction would lead her home. This frightful experience that seemed to have no logical excuse brought her to seek the wisdom of her physician. And this visit unleashed the cascade of questioning that led to her diagnosis of exclusion... Alzheimer's.

When reading this novel, I felt so deeply for the character, for her humiliation, simplicity, and her innocence with uncertainty.I felt scared for my self and for my loved ones. When reading this novel, each line ran into the next, disease progression continued, and my eyes and mind bore into the life of Alice Howland.

A diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's disease is terrifying and terminal, and when Alice was diagnosed in a place of sound mind, she was left with the picture of her future. Should she set up a ritualistic quiz for herself so as to monitor her cognition? And with these answers, make a decision about her life when it comes to a point when it is no longer a pleasure to live? Should she tell her family about the genetic relationship of the disease that may possibly affect her children? When will she stop recognizing her husband?

Amazingly, each and every line of the praise and comments touted on the covers and pages of the book mimic my full-bodied enthusiasm for sharing with everyone and anyone. These pages will not leave you untouched. This is a quick read for the compassionate, an informative journey for the inquisitive and a mindset changing story for the helpless, heartfelt reader who will only benefit from this new perspective of awareness that only Still Alice can deliver.

Parenthood

I have been watching a show called 'Parenthood' lately and I enjoy it very much. You know why? Because parenting is very hard, and to know that other people find it very hard is quite comforting. To see other people having an easy, enjoyable time of parenthood makes me feel as if I am missing out on something, and to see other people struggling with difficult situations makes me feel very fortunate. I suppose I need to be reminded of these emotions to keep my life in check and in balance.
I know my life is not easy many times but this is the way I choose to live my life. And my life is easy to deal with knowing that I live out my own decisions that I made up my mind about. It is important to acknowledge all the emotions that come along with difficult situations and I believe all these feelings are normal to have.
I am very proud to be a women. And I am very proud to be a mother. Sometimes I say to myself I wish I were a man, but quickly retract that though knowing that no matter how much easier it seems to be a man, being a women and a mother is something truly amazing that I wouldn't trade for anything. Being a women in and of itself is profound. And adding mother on to that makes tremendous sense!

Work

So things are evolving in my life I suppose. Tom has been wanting to go back to work, since he left I guess, and after all the arrangements and interviews he has started this week at a part time job in Louisiana again (not the same place we lived before). This means that one week he is there and one week he is here. A close friend of his will do the same and they will alternate weeks to give full coverage to the hospital. His friend will start there full time in July and his family is moving there. The hospital hopes we do the same and our decisions are a bit complicated, but will be based upon Tommy's health mostly- I am up for doing whatever is best for my family.
So anyway, week one of this is almost done and it has gone well for both of us. I guess it just makes me think I need a new job - I really don't need to drive almost an hour into the city to work full time especially when Tommy is pulling in a nice chunk of change with this new job- I just need to maintain good health insurance. I have kept my eyes open for a desirable opportunity - so far I pursued a full time job 2 min from our house and a part time job 25 min from our house ( bear in mind, this 22.5 hour one it is near all the things of food and shopping that I love :) The part time job is a really great out patient counseling position that would be a wonderful move career wise and the other is more management and acute care which is good experience as well. We'll see...
I also come to find out the facility I work at now has decided to terminate the contract with the food service company that I am employed by. If they are set on this despite my company's negotiation tactics, I will be either out of a job or relocated in 6 months. So I guess I don't feel so guilty for looking around for another job! Oh well, this is the economic climate these days especially in health care. It is really no fault of the team I work with it is financial and will be decided upon with our district management and the administration of the facility.

I have worked at this job over a year and it is very thought provoking for me to think about the first few months I was there - it was difficult because my kids got sick very often - Marco was sick it seemed every three weeks from April to November - it all got much better after that point, and it is easier now. I was still breastfeeding him then and pumping at work and Marco didn't want to drink any milk at day care... then Gabby would give me a hard time when I picked her up and didn't want to go home... but we made it through that and we are still kicking! Congrats to me, I say! Both of my kids love going there and I am happy with the choice I made in this home day care. Whatever happens with this job now, I know I will definitely take a way some very dear friends from this place.

Work Politics

So I passed my certification exam and I asked my big boss for a merit raise. He was quite discouraging in his response explaining budget reasons but I also realized that he doesn't have a clue what I do within his department. Nevertheless, I gave him my request and I waited.

It is the culture where I work to go straight up to the top if you have a problem that you can't resolve or if you perceive that something is unfair. In most cases, people will go straight up without trying to resolve something on their level with their manager.

The one experience I have with this method of trying to get what I want is when the facility was having their regular blood drive. I advocated to have a bone marrow donor drive concurrent with the blood drive and this was executed at the cost of $25 per added donor. When I asked the drive organizer again at the next scheduled blood drive she said no because the cost of the donors (we turned out 6 at $25 each) came out of her budget and they couldn't afford it again. I looked for funding from donor web sites with no avail, so then I decided that I would organize a bake sale to raise the funding because it was not an astronomical amount to come up with. So I brainstormed with another employee who organizes bake sales and other sales, and I made up a cute flyer to promote my bake sale. After having done my homework, I went up to the assistant administrator with my flyer and presented my idea to him and asked if and where I could have the sale. His response without hesitation was that they will pay for it! No need for a bake sale [you silly little girl scout] . I was very pleased and although I understand budget constraints, it is a small amount of money for a good cause that they really should cover. (Plus it makes them look good in the community which is where their potential business is). So anyway, me going pretty close to the top in this situation worked for me :)

So one day, I hear that an aide from my department went to my big boss, the department head, because she thought her schedule was unfair. Despite her not taking up this issue with the supervisor who made the schedule, he took it seriously and gave it sufficient attention. So I decided that this type of performance is what gets attention and action and if that is what works for my big boss, I can play that game too. I sat on my request for a raise for 2 months with not too much care from anyone beyond initially so I decided I waited long enough. I wrote my big boss a well-written letter with a threatening undertone about how valuable I am, how efficiently I work and how I believe that at the least I should have the cost of the exam, $350 reimbursed to me promptly. I briefly brought up the possibility that he may not know what I do on the clinical side of the food service department since he is culinary trained...all the more reason to take my word for it that I am important :) I closed my letter by saying that I hope he doesn't view me as a disgruntled employee but as a firm advocate of myself :) So I kind of let my balls hang down and guess what happened? Big boss apologized for putting my requests aside and in the course of that Thursday and Friday he set up an expense report, signed off on it , had his district manager signed off on it and mailed it off.

I feel very empowered by words and I prefer to use my proficiency of composing a nice letter to my advantage whenever necessary. And although I think people should act because it is the right thing to do, this is not reality and many people act to try to prove something or because they are threatened. My direct boss is a wonderful person but she lacks a set of balls so I cant rely on her to advocate for me too much. I am pleased with my letter and the outcome of it and I will be pleased when I receive my check for $350 as well.

Discretion

I have decided to anonymously blog my thoughts on the infinitely expansive World Wide Web and even alter details to confound my immediate identity but I still use discretion in what I write. And I have realized that in life, I can’t think of anyone who lacks some amount of discretion. Think of someone like Ann Coulter who probably has become well known because of her lack of discretion and expressing her opinion – I bet you she exercises discretion if it benefits her selfishly – to maintain appointments, ratings, network or publisher mandates…something. Conan O’Brien was just booted off the tonight show by NBC and he made his thoughts about this known on some of the final shows. But on his very last episode, you could see that he changed his tone a bit. He left viewers with a very favorable image of him and this all worked out fantastically for him. After it was announced that he would no longer be in the Tonight Show time slot, his ratings went up incrementally to max out on the day of last show. And when a ton of people are watching, and others like me are listening to the radio updates the next day, he was humble, grateful for opportunities, serious and supposedly honest. He had to pull this experience together to make himself endeared to by the public by showing that bit of shame and disappointment that his show failed and put a positive and humorous twist on it because he knows his career is not likely over. There was a ton of discretion, and we must know in every scenario there is discretion. I never liked him that much, meaning that I never liked his show or thought he was very funny, but there is one thing he said on that last show that I liked very much. He said, “All I ask of you, especially young people, is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.. I’m telling you amazing things will happen”. I agree. This is life, this is reality and although the world may never be totally honest with you, if you work hard and do the right thing, good things will happen to you. And get rid of the idea that you are entitled to anything and appreciated everything. OK, so for a team Leno member, Conan managed to score some points with me and I’m sure I’m not alone in that – good for him!

Pink Slips

I felt very down today - my work laid off 20 people. They held off for all this time without cutting staff, and now medical reimbursement has been cut again in New York so they absolutely could not meet their budget without lay offs. It is a lot of people and it just seems so cruel how these things are done - you tell someone as of today they no longer have a job. Go home. These people had no warning at all and now they have to go home and figure out what to do next. One man had been working there for 40 years! It wasn't based on performance or seniority. My only guess is that they wanted to eliminate certain positions and if you happened to have that unlucky title and be in that unlucky position, you lose. But unfortunately these things become political, and many times personal and I don't believe that every choice was well made and without bias. But that is life - at work, don't complain too much. You will be viewed as a nag and like you cant handle the work load. And make nice with your bosses. Like them or not, they hold the power to help you or hurt you. It is very advantageous to have a good demeanor and even keel temperament (though this wont always save you from misfortune, it sure can help). And lastly, be a bit intimidating. If you are a bit intimidating, for whatever reason, someone may be more afraid to do something to you for fear of your reaction. You may be intimidating because you are very intelligent, you are very serious, possibly unapproachable, or very attractive, or seem to know everyone and have some sort of upper hand at things. And in the back of someone's mind... these things may work in your favor.
I still have a job, and I deserve one, but I sure feel bad for all the others. In my department of 8 managers, one was laid off and I made my guess before this all happened as to the one of use I thought it would be and i was right. I know that ideally, it should have been someone else, but I know reality much better than idealism. Sometimes I have seen these types of things work out as a blessing in disguise, so lets hope that is the case for all 20 of my fellow coworkers.

Work Relationships

I have a friend at my work who is interesting and kind of crazy in a lovely, endearing way. She has a big head of curly black hair that matches her crazy personality. I am sometimes lacking in expression or enthusiasm in my normal temperament so crazy people lend themselves well to me. I have driven her into work on several occasions when she did not have a ride, and in a way I enjoyed my out-of-the-ordinary conversations in the car. She is a bit dramatic but she has a good, honest heart and she is a good person so I like her. He major problem is her son, who seems to think he rules her house and has absolutely no responsibility except to go out and enjoy himself at her expense. My friend is a bit naive because she had never engaged in any teenage, rebellious activities so when she tells me her 18 year old son came home at 3am and a girl slept over with him, I have to give her my realistic opinion of what her "baby" is doing up there with that cute girl in her house. The problem is that she gives him too much, and holds him accountable for nothing- she fills up the gas in his car, she buys him a new cell phone each time he looses his(of course he needs the fanciest one), she pays for his speeding tickets, on and on and he has no job. She feels bad for him, may feel guilty for stuff and can't seem to cut him off and follow through with any threats. Do you know - this kid had a $180 speeding ticket, which of course she left him the money for, and he told her he went to court and paid it. She called up the court to see what happened with the ticket and they told her it was dismissed. So that little brat lied and took her money!
Since I talk to her often about her son and try to advise her objectively, I came to realize that some people can truly hold it together and be effective at work, and then fall apart at home. My crazy friend is a perfect example of this - she is very good at her job (a social worker) - she manages behavior problems and is professional and compliant with all aspects of her job and remains pretty upbeat throughout. But at home she has lost all control of her son and herself. I asked her if she could have a rational conversation with her son without yelling or flying off the handle and she said no. So what you see at work is not necessarily what is carried over into that person's personal life - I think we're all just a level worse at home. So be very afraid of those people who cant even keep it together at work.
Funny enough a new dietitian started where I work and she was coming in real early wearing super cute dresses and quite high heels and was very energetic and enthusiastic - it was great! I thought, wow, we sure did hire a good asset to our team! And if I have ever been that enthusiastic to start a new job, it probably only lasted two weeks. Sure enough, Upbeat Dietitian is coming in at 9 now, wearing flats and sucking down caffeinated beverages because she is now tired like the rest of us! But I must say that the initial impression of the first 1-2 weeks is what sticks with you. You meet someone and decide upon what you think of them. So my brain registered her as "friendly and enthusiastic" and she was not afraid to ask anyone for any information that she may need to help her learn the way and do her job. So even as she is sleepy, not as dressed up, less eye opening make up and revealing a more realistic mood pattern, my first impression still resounds in me. Morale of the story - put it all out there for two weeks even if it is unnatural, so that people who are paying a heightened attention to the new person will take away that good impression forever more. It is hard to unprove someones first impression, so make it a good one!

Choices

In September I pursued a job that seemed perfect - Another catholic facility, similar size and a management position that is closer to home with on-site parking and more time off. I was excited and invested my mind into this position. I went on two lengthy interviews and negotiated the benefits/salary package until everything seemed to be in my favor. I accepted the job and felt relief that some of my burdens would be eased - I would have a bit more lee way with taking time off if my babies were sick, and maybe even time for myself :), I would have more time in my day with the hours, commute, parking, etc. It all seemed great until my husband saw his oncologist four days before my start date. I had called the financial people in his oncology dept. to check on the medical coverage before I accepted the position or even interviewed and they told me the health insurance that was offered at the new job was great and comparable to what we have now. After all, this is the paramount purpose of me going back to work. I thought that was squared away until his doctor firmly warned him that the new insurance is not good and would not cover the experimental treatment that he recently had with success. I didn't know what to make of this because the billing people told me coverage is good and now his doctor, who doesn't bill anything, tells Tom I should stay at the job I am at. I have been irritated with this doctor for other reasons so that put a bit of doubt in my mind. We wrote an email to the doctor that Monday night before my start date on Friday to try to get a bit more insight without sounding annoying and received back a one line email saying i should stay with the insurance we have now.
Tom didn't want to be the bad guy and squash my hopes but I could tell he thought turning down the job was the best choice. I had been very honest with my boss all along so I told her of my most recent debacle and she suggested I take a moment and go spend a few minutes in the chapel at my work. (She also gave me some homemade brownies because sometimes women need a little chocolate to think). And I tell you , I took her advice at a loss of any other idea, and I sat in that chapel and looked at Christ on the cross, and looked at the ceiling, and the walls, and the pews, and the architecture, and I thought. I guess I could have come up with this all myself but after being in that chapel in the quiet, it was so clear to me and there wasn't a doubt in my mind what I had to do. The right thing to do was to stay. I wanted this new job to work and I wanted all the pieces to fit, but in knowing that I made the right decision, I felt OK to make the decision that I finally made. I felt quite terrible to tell the new employer that I would not accept the job just two days before my start, I felt like I let them down - they took a chance on me, out of all the other applicants, they chose me and saw potential in me and I let them down. I was also disappointed that my relief would not be fulfilled, but I truly believed this was the right decision.
So I told the new job and they were upset but understanding at my honest excuse, and I told my current boss and she was very excited, but as the good friend that she is, she was disappointed for me.
In the chapel, the reading of that Tuesday was as follows:

Although they go forth weeping
carrying the seed to be sown,
They shall come back rejoicing,
carrying their sheaves.
Psalm 126:6
When I first sat down in the chapel, I read the reading of that day hoping to find some answer. What I took away from this wasn't my answer, but my belief that although I will go forward disappointed, it will all be fruitful in the end.

Updates...

I had a busy run for a while here while i worked, mommied and studied for an exam. I am happy to say that I passed my Certified Diabetes Educator exam! I suppose a dietitian or nurse would know the significance of this exam but it is good for my career, my marketability and it is a great field to focus on. So now I can begin to pay attention to the organization of my house and other things that I put off while devoting my free time to studying.
I've done plenty of Christmas shopping online and I am having all of my husbands gifts shipped to my work. I will somehow have to bring wrapping paper to work and bring all the boxes home wrapped.
I have complained about a lack of time off since I signed on to this job and I recently lost every day that I stored away with a very fun flu that infected my whole family. Marc brought it home and got over it in 24 hours. Next was me and it took me 3 days. Next was Gabby and she had it pretty bad with vomiting and high fevers, it took her maybe 4 days but she didn't feel right for a week. Thomas had it bad too with a prolonged cough and consequently bronchitis following the flu. So I have NO time off now, it is very frustrating. I keep my eyes open and I hope to find a job that suits my logistical and professional preferences some day. But in the meantime, I enjoy my current position and i have a great boss and coworkers.

My Frontyard Photo Shoot

I took the most wonderful photos of my children today. I could look at them for hours - so many different angles and shadows... Each shadow and break of light over their perfect faces reminds me how beautiful they are. Their innocent youth is magical. Gabby has such clear, perfect, soft skin - there are no wrinkles, scrunches, bags or discolorations - it is really what God made so well. My children are different and I think these photos I took capture their personalities as well - If Gabby is not watched she will be picking up something, digging in something or running off somewhere. If you turn away from Marc for a moment, you will find him still there right by your side. He is timid with loud noises and will not run off away from me, whereas Gabby is the COMPLETE opposite.
I love my babies and the light was absolutely perfect today. So these components with the lovely fall leaves in the background made for stunning shots - even if I am the only one who thinks so, I will treasure them always. I ordered some prints to replace the cutie-beauties sitting on my desk at work. And I will say 1000 fold that I like the results of my front yard photo shoot any day over the photos I have gotten done at Sears or JC Penny in the past.

If...

If you want to be questioned and followed constantly by someone
and just when you start to get that person
and really know their number,
they change.
And give you new challenges you must understand and learn
and adjust to.
If you want to spend a good chunk of your money
and give up your once peaceful mealtime
to something demanding that lacks understanding.
If you want to give up your simple life
and those sweet moments with your spouse...

Going to the store will never be the same.
Going to sleep will never be the same.
and neither will staying asleep.
When getting sick all the time and gaining almost 40 pounds in 6 months
is by far
the easiest part.
Relationships will change.
Traveling habits will change.
Your breasts....
will have a utilitarian cafeteria-style purpose.

Hearing "mommy" for the first time
will be practically miraculous.
But after 30 times in a row repeated with jumping and whining
is not.
They will smile at you
and you justify the last month of screaming.
When they wake in the morning,
as crazy as it is,
you missed them.
Thinking of the possibility of losing them
you will cry. Instantly. Like an actress.

You act silly
because it makes them smile.
You constantly balance between what is best for them
and what will keep them quiet.
You spend your free time
folding little shirts, pairing little socks and changing little sheets.
You will never clean so much genitalia
in your life.
You take pictures of them sleeping, eating, sitting, crawling, standing...
again and again and make albums out of them and send them to your friends and family.
You play music to the fetus
You pick apples with an infant
You take toddlers to plays
And teach your kindergartner to play the piano.

The noise level, the demand, the fractioning of your selfishness is astounding.
And then a sick bunch of people after one of all this
want to do it all over again. And again.

When people my age ask me what it is like to have kids I don't really know what to say.
When they ask me what I do all day home with them,
again, I don't really know what to say.
But you do it, you never stop doing it because with these little people lies so much vested interest. Lies so much love - of that which you can't define. But since it is so difficult makes it that much more worth it.
When they are hurt, you break too.
When they learn something, your pride abounds.
When they laugh, you will smile too...no matter how mad, sad or annoyed you are.

You will laugh at them
and they will laugh at you.
You will imitate them
as they imitate you.
You will love them with a love so great
and they will love you
unlike anyone you have known yet.

So if you want to be driven crazy, and like it
And if you want to change your life all around
and love it...
Go ahead and have one of these exhausting, funny, loving, witty little things.
And the sweet couple you once were, will be a sweet family with family moments to share.

Intro. Part 2

So I set this blog up to have my first post, the introduction read first by post dating it. When I glance at my own blog I read over this post each time because it appears at the top. it is amazing, so much has changed since I declared the state of my union. We sold that house in Louisiana, my husband is not working, and I have a full time job. My own day to day life is very different from a year ago, and my husband's is different in an equally different way. I must say I am more focused on myself because I am with myself for the majority of my waking hours.
I have two kids, one and three who grow and challenge me daily and reward me with their amazing growth. My daughter's comprehension and language is amazing and she is inquisitive and sharp. She is potty trained and seems to reap the most enjoyment from surrounding herself with her friends at school. Marc is walking and talking so many many words and phrases too. He doesn't rely on my quite as much and enjoys his dad and his time at school also. I am pleased with the home-based child care program that I chose.
I enjoy my work and I have a passion for what I do and a compassion for my purpose. Long-term care is not an elegant job setting for those in health care but I am beginning to think it really is for me. I have made quite a few friends where I work and I am happy for that. I have continued to be a part of one of the mommy groups when was a stay-at-home-mom and and building friendships there also.
Tommaso has cancer. And it may very well remain a chronic disease without a clear cure. This is a hard adjustment to live with in many respects. He just had a round of treatment that was pretty darn successful so we are happy for now. I feel bad for him that he cant work like he would like to but I have faith that he will find his purpose and satisfaction as life unravels opportunities to him. He is a very intelligent level minded person and he will know the wisest decision to make.
1 year later. Same people, very different settings, but same strong love and commitment to our family...

The Node and the Night Club

We understood that the cancer would most likely come back but there is always a twinge of hope in the back of your mind saying that maybe he will be one of those miracles. It's been known to happen. It's funny, with things like that we think we could be the against-all-odds exception, but with other behaviors we always think "that wont happen to me".
Either way, my husband had a positive scan and will require some treatment. Our smooth ride on Cancer Boulevard has hit some traffic. I feel bad Tom has to endure treatment again, but I am hopeful. From the ideas the doctor presented, he selected a chemo regime in a pill form, with an infusion drug that is targeted to a specific antibody that is on the cancer cells. We are curious to see how this new therapy will help. Also, while his blood counts are normal he is unrestricted and can continue to mow the lawn and go out to sushi with his wife ;)
Tom has a lymph node that has grown recently and is causing him discomfort which led us to believe that this scan may very well be positive. I asked the doctor if they could take this damn thing out and he asked me if I had a vendetta for this node. Well maybe I do. I don't like it - it has been around for quite a while and it continues to remind him how he can't live his life. I'm sure that every time he sits down or turns a certain way he feels it. So yes, I don't like it I would like to put out a warrant for its demise. But apparently that is not a logical thing to do being that it is a blood cancer and it travels through the blood and is not isolated to the one specific node or area. So I came up with this analogy - let's say you have a sleazy night club with "sweaty young boys who trying to hook up with girls and experiment with recreational drugs" - you may want to drop a bomb on it one Friday night when it is crawling with these low-lives and dredge - but if you do, and you get rid of these STD-transferring, teenage-impregnating, drug-selling folks, there will still be those same dredge somewhere else, they don't all go to the club and leave the streets clean. So no, they wont remove the damn node. I do understand the reasoning, but it still doesn't appease me.

Updates and Potty-Trained Vacations

I haven't written lately because I guess working full-time and taking care of babies the other full time takes up the whole time! But my arms have been much more free lately because Marc has started to walk like a drunken Frankenstein and he is thrilled with that as well. Gabby was very difficult for a while, which is the nature of her age but she has gotten about 15% better. It is humorous and wonderful to hear the ideas and comprehension that comes out of her. And just as amazing and insatiably engrossing is hearing Marc speak - he is just a burst of vocabulary!
My job is going well - now that I have been there for about 4 months, I am able to do my work with more ease. I have a very heightened compassion for many of these older patients and for that, I have a purpose in what I do stretching far beyond nutrition.

We recently went away for the weekend to Newport, Rhode Island which is wrought with memories for Tom and I. It was great family time, but awful traffic. The one thing I am remembering about this trip that is standing out as different from any other is that I had a potty trained toddler. I had to cringe every time my clean little girl would grip the nasty dirty toilet bowl in a public bathroom as if there was no problem. I can't even bear to put my own hands on a clean toilet bowl but my kid is doing it with dirtiest of them. I just try to get through the yucky moments and scrub the heck out of her hands. I guess Tom didn't realize the exact logistics that go on when taking her to go pee pee in these gross bathrooms but I had to vent after one lovely experience.
We went into one super lovely bathroom and I proceeded to coat the throne with toilet paper as I always do, and this toilet was special because the lid wobbled around and didn't fit well on the bowl so I had to cover it up good so that she wouldn't end up holding onto or sitting on the actual man-bowl. (YUUUUCCCCCCKKKK as I am revisiting this memory). But then Ms. Independent-I'm-A-Three-Year-Old-Big-Girl now insists she doesn't need toilet paper on the potty and she can do it herself. So after I strategically placed the toilet paper on the seat, then strategically placed her on top of that, she then sways back and forth in order to allow all the toilet paper to fall off the bowl because she can't bear to do her business on a pot not completely set up herself. She refused to get off and paper the pot herself, so I just turned away and let her fester in a pool of hepatitis and E.coli.....
MAN that is gross! You have to let her pee though, either that or I get into an all out arguement in a 3 x 3 stall with about 20 people waiting to have their chance at the germ thrown.
So I told Tom this story prefaced by my understanding that there are toddler gloves that are made to be put on when going into public bathrooms for scenarios just like this. He said that's disgusting and she is going to get Hepatitis. I guess I just have to wallow in my ignorance and assume that she will not get any yucky diseases...and go get the gloves so I can foster her new found obsessive compulsive disorder.

Social Gatherings

For a rare occasion, my husband and I went out for an evening with friends for a potluck dinner at their house. I can easily decline these types of invitations because I value my sleep and children wake up the same time in the morning regardless of when they go to bed it seems. But I have to admit, I am surprised my husband said he wanted to go and for that reason I jumped on it because I wanted to go and I can make up the sleep. And it came down to the day of the dinner and he still wanted to go! -so we went. It was a nice night- Tom admired the couple's garage doors and stain color and I was fascinated at how clean and well decorated the house was and how my friend (a mom, too) was like a superwoman with house projects of all gender types!
When the food was set up, I got Tom a plate so as to get him out of his conversation and over to the table to eat, and I ended up taking a modest amount of food for him and I, and subsequently he let me know I underfed him. I regret to say that I underfed myself and the food was good. Tom's word of advise is "that's why you never go first". I didn't want to take a lot of food at risk of being a pig and not taking a proportionate amount of food, but I noticed everyone else did not exercise such restraint. Damn it! If anyone knows me, you will know I love to eat and I dream of food and enjoy food and look forward to food. Especially when I get to try new things that someone else made. Oh well, I know for next time...
The same thing is true in a restaurant - if you don't know if your party is an appetizer-and-alcohol-ordering group or they are a strictly-entree-eating group, you need to defer your ordering until one of the "masters" of the group goes so you know what to do. Tough times, I tell you.

The other thing about meeting other people in this gathering is that with men apparently the first and major question you ask them is "what do you do?". And for my sweet, darling husband, he is not working now because he is awaiting the transplant. So he asked me in the car on the way there what he should tell them. So I said either tell them the truth or be vague. His point about the truth was that if you tell the truth you have to tell the whole truth and then you get into a long-winded account that will bring the whole party down to a serious, sad place and no one wants to do that. What I usually tell people at work or elsewhere when they ask me about my husband is that he is not working because we just moved back from Tennessee and I found a job sooner than he did. So inevitable and as predicted, pretty much everyone ask him what he does and where he works - our situation inspires questions, really - why did you move back to NJ after moving south for one year? are you looking for a job? Especially in my husbands profession people seemed to be a bit more inquisitive. But he handled himself wonderfully as he always does - he is a humorous, charismatic, energetic person and it seems that when you joke around it lets you evade things, change subjects easily and distract attention away from yourself. What a skill!
You don't realize how many times you would end up telling people you have an illness in this situation because it is impossible not to come up- you would literally end up telling everyone you met. When your health affects your job - it consumes your life because we work for money and for purpose and you need money to live and purpose for fulfillment. It gets exhausting telling everyone and I now understand that- you don't want to bring the conversation down everywhere you go and people don't really know what to say if you tell them you have cancer because it sucks and they didn't expect to hear that. Thought this is all true, I don't believe you should let it keep you from being social and I am glad my hubby did not last night.

Childhood illness

So the other day I called my OB/GYN to inquire about getting my tubes tied. This past week we were threatened with the possibility that our baby boy had what would be a long term health problem and, though it was not the worst case scenario, I realized that I didn't want to handle anything worse and therefore, I didn't want any more kids to take a chance on. We thought Marc had a type of hemolytic anemia for which the treatment used to be removing the spleen. It was painful to imagine my baby on a surgical table, it was even mildly painful to see his sweet little fat arm have blood drawn from it several times. He had a very low hemoglobin and hematocrit, which are indicators of many types of anemia. We all assumed that it was a hemolytic anemia because of a family history of it, but we were fortunate enough to get Marc to a pediatric hematologist very quickly to get more blood tests done that within a weeks time my mind went from anticipating having my son's spleen removed, and then living with the fear of having a child with no spleen to having what seems to be a normal child with a transient anemia that happens in babies who have had recent back-to-back viruses. Nothing is truly definitive at this point, but we are confident, I suppose, that he does not have the hemolytic anemia we suspected. My poor baby.
You want so bad for your kids to have an easy life and to have no heartache, no trauma, and very little negative stress. I know this is not possible, but I guess it is a parent's hope, and mistakenly a parent's expectation or presumed guarantee. Nothing is guaranteed and I know that. But I sure am happy that I don't have to worry about my baby right now because my husband is enough.
At first I blamed myself when after the initial blood work we thought it was an iron-deficiency anemia which is so common in children. Then,, my husband blamed himself for passing him a possibly hereditary anemia when that is what we thought it was. The blame is not necessary or helpful but I guess it is there because we as parents never wish any hardship on our child and if we blame ourselves, maybe we are trying to take some of that away. Stupid, futile, but impossible to not grieve or feel this way if something happens to your child.
All these experiences, though they may not cause a long term impact are there to remind you and teach you something.

How it feels to walk

One of my patients this week was passing me in the hallway and asked, "what is it like to walk?". I stopped and had to think for a moment to find the response I wanted to say. I was thinking about what it felt like to walk, and the only word that came through my mind to express that feeling was freedom. But what I actually said to the woman was the truth and that was, "I don't really think about it." Our legs carry us wherever we want to go at the demand of our mind and there is little conscious thought that goes into walking for a person who has little difficulty walking. She told me she hasn't walked in 27 years and she is not able to. I looked at her and told her that I was sorry she is not able to walk but there are many things she can still do and to remember them. I reminded her that we take for granted the things we can do, like me with walking, and maybe her with her cognition or dexterity. It is also important and humbling to remember that there is always someone worse off than us.
The woman took me by surprise a bit with her question, but it was a wonderful reminder of how able I am and that nothing is entitled to me or guaranteed. She has a complicated medical history that has left her wheelchair bound for at least 20 years, but I'm sure she didn't expect that nor wish that...
so try to remember "how it feels to walk"...

Birthdays

We celebrated Gabriella's birthday this past weekend and she requested a pink cake with pink frosting, which turned out quite well. I am happy when my kids birthday's are coming up because it is a celebration for me just as much as them. It marks the number of years I have been a mother, I have changed and evolved with them and it marks the number of years they have grown into themselves with their parents assistance. Having children is amazing, but not as amazing as living as a mother. I can say that during the time I found out I was pregnant, I didn't really want to have a child, but I guess someone else had other plans for me. I did believe I may have come to the decision to have a child at some point because it seemed to be a huge part of life and being a woman that I wanted to experience and challenge myself with. But I guess that is the whole thing - we don't always know what will happen for us, but when things happen we have to embrace them and mold ourselves into the person who will handle them. And after having been a mother, that is true that it is a challenge and an experience and it is an amazing thing that a person can make and do. My children are a piece of me and they are reliant upon me for so long that it is thoroughly amazing when they do things for themselves and become less of me and more of them. To be a mother becomes more and more worth it each day that goes on. If it is at all possible to love someone more everyday, it is true of my children. And if you found the right spouse, it is true of him or her just the same. And I can say now after having been given the precious gift of healthy, beautiful, amazing children that for me,I would have been missing something phenom anal, to say the least, if I chose not to have children.

The world beyond me

I have seen my very clingy infant become more confident and independent -(although still 75% dependant instead of 95%), and my toddler become more independent and opinionated. It seems that they both have realized that there is a world outside of me. I was there all the time, facilitating their interactions, monitoring them and providing only the stimulation that I had or could bring them to. Now they see there is life beyond me, West New York, NJ and our home base. And I, just as much, have realized there is something more to my world beyond them. I can help people, I can comfort people, I can develop social and professional relationships, I can drive with the music loud, I can run outside and enjoy that feeling of limitless freedom that running can give me, and I am so valuable that someone wants to pay me and give me health care, to be me! And still, I am so needed when I arrive back home, that my infant hugs me, crawls to me, and my toddler calls for mama and runs to me (at home, or after 6 o'clock at day care). It has been a nice realization for all of us, and I think we have all blossomed as individuals in our own way. I like working and I like that I now can let go of the desire to rush back to my kids right after work and allow myself to enjoy exercise. Maybe God made Gabby flip out before 6pm so that I can be a well-rounded, more fulfilled mama, or so that my husband can take on another important role in their day. Who knows, but I still know my kids better than anyone, and we are all pretty darn happy.

Evening Routine

Work is still going really well. My one complaint so far is that if I get back to pick up my babies before about 6:00 or so, Gabby doesn't seem to want to see me. My thoughts without psychoanalyzing this is that she doesn't want to see me because when it's too early her friends haven't left yet. Her favorite friend leaves at 6, so I think she is ready to come home then. But I have to tell you, she puts up a major fuss when I try to pick her up early, and it is exhausting for me to deal with. I have had to literally drag her out of the place because she was having an all out throw down because she didn't want to leave - so I hold Marc in one arm and pull Gabby out kicking and screaming with the other- and it is not fun. Especially when I am excited to see them and excited to get back home at an early hour. Marc shares this excitement with me, but not Gabby.

I really had enough of this display by my daughter when I pick her up so on Wednesday when I got out early, I took my iPod and my sneakers and went for a run out and around my work- it was 68-70 degrees, sunny, breezy and wonderful. I had to give up something that was an important and enjoyable part of my life when I started working, and I had to majorly modify it in general when I had kids- so if my chick doesn't want to see me early, I will work out after work, regain that part of my life and have an enjoyable reunion everyday when I pick them up. I used to run so much, all over the place. I developed a relationship with all the locations in which I have lived by running there, because I am able to do while being driven by the wonderful endorphins that flow through me is to observe my surroundings. The trains, the buses, the cars the people, the stores, the garbage, the buildings, houses and the water. All these things become my friends and I endear to them all - I have never disliked any area that I have ran through.

Yes, Marc would like to see me earlier, but I'll be a nicer mother to both of them if everyone is nice to me. So Wednesday went well after my run, and Thursday it was raining and I didn't get out early enough to do that much so I went to get them and I said to my self, "I hope she goes easily". And she didn't. I and I have to admit, I was exhausted from this, not because of work but because I anticipated this reaction and it is so difficult. So I have this emotion that wants to just clock her sometimes, but since I can't do that, it had to get it out somehow, so I started to cry. We all sat in the car while I finished crying for about 2 minutes. Gaby was screaming saying "don't put me in the car seat" repeatedly, I was crying with my hand over my face so anyone else picking up their kid didn't think I was some mentally unstable mom who needs a referral, and Marc was nicely strapped in his seat looking at us like we were all nuts, "why is my sister screaming, I am happy to see mama. My car seat is nice too - it's like a gentle sedative. Why is mama sad? She was just smiling and hugging me." So anyway, I composed myself, went back and got her in her car seat and went home.

I called a women from the church group I used to go to who's opinion I value very much and she told me about a book to help parents communicate with their kids and to get out of them what they are thinking and feeling. So I ordered it online. I am open to anything that helps me learn and helps me be a better parent. But she said something so simple that we all learn in any counseling course, to say "that must be hard for you". Sometimes we hear too many suggestions to help the situation but all you want sometimes is for someone to acknowledge that it is hard for you. In that, I feel that 1. she understands what I am going through, 2. she agrees that it is hard, I know it is because I am the one doing it, but it is nice to know someone feels my pain 3. reminds me that in doing something hard and succeeding, which I am, I am pretty good :)
The woman from my church told me before I started working that my kids will likely be mad at me and seem as if they like their care givers more than me. Now I don't mind that they like their care givers - I think they should, but I do mind if they are mean to me. She thought Gabby's reaction is because she is angry with me because I left her, she doesn't understand why but knows that I was the one that did it. But when I told her about the difference between 5pm and 6pm, she agreed with my hypothesis about Gabby and her friends. When my husband picks them up, early or not, they are both happy. He thinks the different reaction is because it is a novelty to see him. He suggested that I come home to run where it is a bit safer and he can go pick them up. This works out great for me - he gets to have some happy times alone with them, I get to decompress before the little people take over the joint.

So anyway, my trial at this time, after 4 weeks of work, is figuring out the best way to keep everyone the happiest between the hours of 5 and 6, or just rambling on until time runs its course and everyone is happy on their own despite my new dreamed up arrangements.

Marley & Me

I watched Marley and Me last nite with my hubby and I had to laugh hysterically at one scene where Jenifer Anisten was losing her mind and overwhelmed at the dog and her life at that moment. I laughed because it reminded me of me, and Thomas said he didn't know that I was acting in this movie.
When I was 6 months pregnant with Gabby, Tom and I stopped in a pet store and looked at the puppies. One thing led to another and $500 later, Marie was ours. Marie was absolutely adorable and 4 months old at the time. We house trained her and like a two year old, she never quite got it fully. She would have accidents in the house, chewed and scratched stuff, and she had abundant energy. She'd jump on everyone and we couldn't let her off the leash much because she would run off. When she was on the leash, she didn't heel very well and a walk with her wasn't as pleasant as it could be. (Although having a 14lbs dog pull you is better than having Marley pull you) She cuddled up so sweet and circled her self into a tight ball and slept on you or right next to you when ever possible. Since I liked having her warm little self near me, we let her sleep in the bed with us - I know Tom was begrudging about this, but he let it go. He would kick her off the bed periodically through the nite because she annoyed him and I don't think he wanted her there at all to begin with. So this continued on with Marie upstairs until she peed on the Tempur Pedic mattress. I called the company and they said to absorb it with paper towels and something else that I don't remember and I pushed paper towels into the bed for hours that day.

See, I could tolerate Marie and all the annoying work-creating things that she'd do until I had Gabriella. For Gabby sucked up all the patience stores that I had left and there was nothing for Marie and everything she did drove me far crazier with a baby to care for than ever before. I had patience before I had kids. I had to have gates up for the dog and gates up for the kid. I had to pick up crumbs and vacuum hair for the baby and I had to pick up toys, socks and shoes for the dog. Marie would bark incessantly when any stranger would be in the house so I couldn't have anyone over because I didn't have patience for the barking violating my eardrums. We kept her in a crate to sleep and parts of the day because she would make too many problems out free in the house. I felt guilty for keeping her in a cage especially because the other dog lived like a princess in the house. Yet, I didn't have it in me to monitor the dog and the baby.

The smell of pee is gross to me and dog pee is even more putrid. One day I found Gabby's toy chewed up next to where she just peed in the house and my daughter nearly crawled in it. So I opened up our door and said good bye. Of course Tom and I went out to pluck her out of the neighbors yard 5 minutes later, but that was enough time for her to drop a load there. This was the first time we met and spoke with our new neighbor after we moved to Tennessee- he told us not to let our dog poop on his lawn. Tom got upset with me for letting her fly out the door, but I told him that Marie was better off running free in the neighborhood than to be subject to what I wanted to do to her after her stunt in the house.
Jennifer Anisten said she has had enough and the dog had to go. I remember saying that a couple times, and the last time I was very serious. I googled animal rescues and rat terrier rescues because I NEEDED her gone. I figured I had limitations now with a toddler and one on the way and this dog far surpassed what I was capable of pleasantly dealing with. We had another dog, keep in mind. So this is two dogs and in a couple short months, two kids. So anyway, my husband heard my concerns and actually found a woman he worked with that wanted to take Marie. They fell in love and Marie is happy....
Well, one year later, new-lady-from-work had enough of Marie. I guess she bit her grandson and that was her breaking point. So now Marie has been turned over to another foster mama that this lady works with. And Marie and new-lady-from-work's-friend are in love and happy.

I laughed at this scene in the movie because having a dog is like having a kid. And having an unruly dog is like have a crazy 18 month old. And having two dogs, one 18 month old and being pregnant anticipating the lack of sleep and stress, I did believe that I would be more peaceful with out the dog. There were many times I felt like I wanted to whack this little dog and I really didn't want my daughter to see me physically hit an animal let alone the fact that I didn't even want her to see me lose control and scream at the dog. The dog needed someone better than me and more patient than me and my daughter and son need me to have more patience too. But one thing I wouldn't do was leave her off somewhere on the street, dump her in a shelter or put her to sleep. I care for the dog because I cared for her since she was young and she is a living thing that deserves rights. I looked up the rescue agencies in the moment of frustration but that is why you don't act on impulse. My husband reminded me that the rescue agencies were not the right route to take and assured me he would find a good home for her. And he did- he is really my voice of reason and such a sound judge.
So my family now is my nearly three year old girl, nearly one year old boy and nearly 9 year old dog, minus 2 1/2 year old Marie.

Morning prayer at work

I work in a catholic health care facility and because of that I am reminded of the faith that brought about the values of the organization. I am reminded not because everyone working there is catholic or acts like a good christian, but because there are crosses and saints hanging on the wall, there is a daily prayer announced every morning, and there are still a few sisters in administration that I see in the hall. I try to embody these values (that are not necessarily catholic, just emphasizing doing the right thing) when I am at work and am happy that the organization encourages all the employees to embrace them too. In thinking of how I can remind myself everyday to uphold a high level of respect for those patients and residents that I care for, I wrote myself a morning prayer.

Please carry me through this day

so that I feel calm, accomplished

and optimally rewarded at the days end.

Remind me that I work in

someone's home and

help me to act accordingly.

Help them to feel at home,

and help us to anticipated their needs.

Also, grant me the knowledge

and embody yourself in me today,

so that I can care for those

who cannot speak for themselves.

All of us have conflicts and concerns

to deal with outside of our work.

Help me to put them aside so

that I may be present in my work

and take on only the concerns of this moment.

If my work is interrupted

help me to handle myself

with grace.

Please give me the patience

to deal with difficult situations

and remain positive and controlled

through unfairness.

Allow me to turn my eyes to the window today.

As I take in the view and the

beautiful skyline, remind me that I am blessed-

Beauty is ubiquitous, and you are here.

And remind me regularly

that those who I care for now

were once in my shoes -

they were parents, spouses, employees and they struggled.

Today, they deserve my most graceful self

to care for them

in their home.

First week of work

My first week of work went very good, I must say. By day 5, Marc didn't cry or so much as grunt when I dropped him off! And apparently throughout the day, he does drink my expressed milk that from a straw mostly, but he also drinks out of an open cup and a funky "breast-like" bottle. I enjoy being at work also - and believe it or not, I have more energy when come home in the evening than I did when I was home with the kids. Being a stay at home mom is work. And it is a different kind of work than working-work. It is mentally trying, which causes it to be more physically trying than it is meant to be. Being frustrated, or strained emotionally affects you physically and my comparison of work vs. mom-work is a perfect example. Though I do work with people and sick people mostly, I am able to separate myself from it emotionally. However, with my kids I am not. Another nice thing about being at work is that when I am there, work is what I am thinking of. It truly gets your mind off of the other things in your life that when they linger on your brain, cause you stress. Right now, my mind feels at ease when I am there. I know it is common for working moms to feel guilty about working and/or enjoying it, but I wonder, why should I feel guilty if I am more peaceful, more energetic and providing my kids with socialization that they seem willing and comfortable being handed over to? I have been home with my daughter for almost three years, and I have made an excellent foundation for her and my boy and I don't believe this child care situation will change that. As I said to my boss, I will not draw any generalizations until at least two weeks have passed because we all need to adjust to the "new normal". But so far, this arrangement is going very well.
I think it is very important to have faith in time. Time is powerful and healing and it cannot be rushed. I know this is my situation: I am going back to work, and I am leaving my kids for the vast majority of the day with a certified stranger. I know that this may seem like a painful realization to someone who has stayed home with her children and micromanaged everything in their life, which is the nature of a stay-at-home-mom. But I also know that time will make it less painful and time will make it work out so that mom and kids are pleased with the arrangement. So I am taking the position of deferring my emotional reaction until some time has passed so as to skip over any futile worry or sadness and get right to the satisfied contentedness of the situation. If I feel as if I maybe worrying, I remind myself that the temporary problem will resolve and my worry will be wasted energy. I also must say that this is probably easier for me than others and I am thankful for that and I like myself and the way my mind functions just fine.

Choosing child care

The second part of my decision to take that job is the child care I found. I looked at many formal schools and day care centers and when it seemed I was not fully satisfied with what I found, my sister-in-law reminded me that I should look into licenced providers that run a day care out of their home. So I consulted a local classified flyer and found a woman who cares for children out of her home along with a couple staff members. I found them to be nurturing, kind, yet structured and I believe they will foster the children's individual growth. The atmosphere seems very much like home and both my children will be in the same place, in the same room in fact. This may provide them with security and me with comfort when I am away. It is difficult to find childcare to satisfy each individual parent's needs and sometimes it must come down to necessity or convenience or logistics for them that trumps the quality of childcare. But when I said this is all meant to be - it seems I have found it all. And I have seen some facilities I wouldn't dream of putting my children in. Some questions to ask are the following:
- is there frequent staff turnover
- where do the meals come from, what beverages are served
- security of the facility and outdoor area
- napping conditions
- is the TV used, if so how often
- is hand washing enforced both in staff and children
- do they teach responsibility -cleaning up toys, putting food, etc. in garbage
- what are the hours, are they flexible
- remember morning traffic- it may make a short distance unreasonable
- are there other fees- registration, meals, back-up care for vacations/off-weeks from school
- ask for references from parents with existing kids enrolled there, they will either affirm your gut instinct or bring up other concerns you should work out first, or give another perspective
- does your child enter willingly, speak of their experience positively
- spend time with your child in the center/home and if you have the means, allow your child to spend a couple hours there alone before you start them full time
- does the center/home have an evacuation plan or emergency plan and transportation
- do they take field trips- if so how (on earth) is this executed
- speak with the specific teacher/care giver that will be with your child's age group
- try negotiating the cost, esp. with more than one child
Most importantly, walk inside. Spend some time there, listen to the interactions between staff and children and between the staff members, visit often at different times of the day. You will probably get a feeling, weather good or bad rather quickly, but all the "data collection" so to speak will help to make you more comfortable and confident when you are away.
When you are comfortable with where your kids are, you will be able to do your job well and continue to be a good mother when you return to them. And remind yourself that they are enjoying several fresh faces during the day and this is probably better than you on your crabby days!

I got a job

I got a job. This is thought provoking for me on many levels. I am excited to revisit my career, and I am hesitant to do that at the cost of leaving my young children. However, I am picking up something more valuable than money by taking this job and that is health insurance. My husband is not able to have the transplant at the hospital, and with the oncologist he has known for years and by getting new health insurance, I will enable him to do this and have that important comfort level during his procedure. I am doing this for a purpose, and more important than my presence everyday for my kids is the presence of my husband for many days going forward.
This job seems to be meant to be, every aspect of taking this job has flown seamlessly. I already know my boss and I've worked with her before, I don't have to work any weekends at all, which is very unusual in my field, and the salary and benefits are great! Best of all is the beautiful view of the Hudson River from my window... I will place the photos of my husband, my hansom boy and my beautiful girl in front of me, and as my eyes scan my three beauties, from one frame to the next, in between them will be an eyeful of the natural beauty of the river.

Silence is golden

My kids got up at 5am today, which is unfortunately normal for my little one, but Gabby usually wakes up a bit later, about 6, so she was on the cranky side. After many moments of whining, crying and frustrated outbursts, she went down for her nap. And most wondrously following was Marc who needed at nap at the same time. Anyone with kids (or those those who work with kids, God bless you) knows this moment. The sweet intoxicating silence of sleeping babies. It is almost like food...like cake. It is so nourishing and energizing. I don't know why silence is associated with loneliness because that is the last thought that enters my mind when I am enveloped in silence. There is so much I want to do with myself that I can't imagine ever getting to the point of loneliness when there is silence in my world. The sun seems brighter, the floor seems cleaner, the furnace sounds comforting, and my mind seems settled. A mother needs these moments of silence.
And because of this silence to replenish my soul and eardrum tolerance, the little cries that break it, pull me back to their rescue in a nurturing mother's way. As Frankie Valli says, "silence is golden".

Faith

A friend of mine told me of a group she goes to in which the ladies sit together to discuss a bible reading they completed. Now hearing about this type of bible reading group, or bible study, my first reaction is that this is not for me because I am not the most devout religious person and I have never really read the bible. I do not know who wrote the bible and it seems strange to me to live by a book with an unknown author that is so old that its literal relevance seems minimal to us today. So that is reaction one. Then, this friend tells me again to come to the bible group and throws in the piece about your kids being watched by wonderful volunteers who will even engage them in a bible lesson. OK, so reaction two is a little more favorable....hmm.... maybe I should try that. I will tell you I would not have taken my novice, bible-ignorant self to a bible study if they did not watch my kids 5 feet away from me. But I follow where I believe faith is taking me, and I think that maybe I was meant to come upon this bible study. Maybe I would benefit from some extra doses of peaceful faith at this point. And faith is really the key word I have found thus far. These biblical characters act in ways that are greatly influenced by their faith, or lack of faith, in the Lord. Religion is ALL around you and you can easily choose to ignore it. I heard someone say that you have to seek out your faith and devotion because it is not going to come to you. He said, "Devotion is sticking with something even though it is easier not to".

Faith and devotion is scary though. If you have faith it is comforting to know that someone else has a plan and is in control. But it is scary to know you are not. Weather you call it faith in a higher power, or a conscience, it helps to make us better people. And even if I admittedly joined a bible study because I would have two hours away from my kids....
Well, not completely :) I chose to try it out because 1. I would have two hours away from my kids in a trusted place a few steps from them 2. They will learn about the Lord and have faith in their life (and since I am not an all-consuming verbally faithful person, I am very enthusiastic to give them this opportunity to have faith in their life because all in all, I don't think I include it enough day to day for them to realize how important it is) 3. I like to learn and read and what better book to flip open than the most widely read book ever 4. Maybe I can make some connections and friends with just people.
So I am joking about trading the bible for a babysitter, number 2 is probably my top reason for going, but maybe the Lord had to come visit me in my stay-at-home-mom-being-driven-crazy-some-days-by-my-little-kids-my-husband-has-cancer world for me to pay attention!

My Roller Coaster

In our situation, I don't know if it's because of cancer or we lead a particularly complicated life, but this life is like a roller coaster. Once you become comfortable with a situation, it will change and life will throw us a curve ball. It is as if we have to be in a defensive stance...waiting...scaning the scene...on your toes. I remember when I used to play basketball, the coaches would tell you to look at the offensive players mid-section when you were on defense. The player may fake you out with their head, or feet, but when that mid-section moves, they are moving too. I guess our "mid-section" is the ultimate treatment, and life afterward. And we may flinch, as is a natural reaction, to the things that get thrown at us, but we have to just keep our eyes on the mid-section. And in regards to the roller coaster, I think my husband is very brave and I love him for everything he does do and doesn't do.
I wrote another poem in which I wrote about our life feeling like a roller coaster sometimes. When you are on a roller coaster, the environment speeds around you, whipping you around turns and inclines, but in your vision, the person sitting next to you is still...because they are moving with you. We are on a roller coaster in a four-person-seat. And no matter how we are tossed around, metaphorically, we are together and the most important images remain still in relation to us.

Magical Metaphors

I often find myself thinking over words and how they may be a metaphor for a larger situation, as if they are a Freudian slip. And I love to find this deeper meaning in everyday things because it makes the world a limitlessly interesting place. There are two recent things that I can think of that are examples of what I am talking about.

I was sitting on the bed and my husband crashed down on the bed and sighed saying, "Aahhhh life" and rubbed his face with his hands. I then said to him, "you don't like life"? And he responded by saying, "it just gets annoying sometimes" and after a pause he smirked and said, "and it sticks to the bowl when your done". I smiled and let my mind wander....
I picture a bowl with the crusty cereal stuck and dried onto the sides and I think of this scenario like life itself - when we are done with our life we aren't gone, but we leave things behind, the good we've done, the people we've impacted, our career's work, our children- and like Life cereal, we stick to the side of the big bowl we existed in. Even still, we stick to the sides of the bowl way before our life is done and that is something that makes life taste good ;)

The second example is when we first moved back up to New Jersey, I put many of my framed photos on top of some shelves we have in the living room, partly because I didn't know where to put them and partly because I know my daughter likes looking at the pictures and rearranging them. Well, of course she rearranged too many times, pretended they were either serving plates or pieces of cake, and proceeded to brake one too many frames that I had enough and took them away. And as any mother knows, or any person in a frustrated moment, when you do something hastily, you may not execute the chore completely. So I cleared all the frames away except one which was pushed back far enough that she couldn't get it, and it stood there with a glass sculpture we had. So what was once a very busy, cluttered shelf top, was now bare with the exception of these two unintentionally placed items. I looked upon it a following day and jotted this poem down:

She took everything away
without plan or regard
as two year olds do
leaving a sculpture of a glass hand
holding a wounded bird
and a picture of you
and me.

When I look upon the
shelving top
the ill-placed items
remaining haunt me as if
they stand for a reason.

Are we wounded?
Am I holding you
or you me?
Or is this little magical
two year old telling us
"you are hurting, but
you are resting in His hand".




.....I love the magic of life complimented by the magic of youth.

Texting

I have realized how important my friends are to me, and further, the more you put into your friendships the more you get out of them. There are so many types of friends and sometimes I get annoyed that a friend is lacking a certain quality. But if you are missing one thing, you probably have a good quality someone else does not. This is the same idea as with men - one man isn't going to have all good qualities, and you must decide if your man has the best of the bad qualities or possesses the important good qualities.
As for my friends, I have one great friend who I know is there for me, makes a point to travel to me and visit, and knows a ton about me, but I wish we spoke more in between our visits. She once said she didn't like to talk on the phone which is probably the main barrier, but I notice she has trigger happy fingers with the text messaging. So, I have evolved, but I used to be annoyed by text messaging because I wonder why a person cant pick up the phone and talk. I may send a text message if I want to say something but not get into a conversation. Is that what others think of me? They don't want to talk to me, they just want me to hear one thing, or know they remembered one thing but cant bear to be subject to my other unrelated words? (I'm being sarcastic, but truthful) But I guess now that I have a toddler and a little baby who have collectively turned up the volume in my house, I appreciate the text message because I can communicate with out me and my listener being thoroughly distracted by my kids. I can now begin my sentence, change a diaper, wash my hands, hand out a cracker, continue my sentence, stop to pour a cup of milk, finish my sentence, stop to nurse the baby and burp him while pushing 'send'. Nice, huh? So what technology once annoyed me and made me believe the basis of conversation and connection was being further degraded is actually helping me and I'm embracing it.

Sick babies

Little Marc recently and suddenly got sick in his car seat. He vommited and had diarrhea on Friday which precipitated the rest of the family to enjoy this virus this past weekend. I got sick Saturday nite and Gabby woke up screaming a few hours later after having vomited in her bed. My husband and I woke up at least hourly with her all night as she continued to be sick. It was heart wrenching to see a little person vomit and it occurred to me that she didn't know how to do it. I had to kind of coach her. It reminds me how many things we take for granted that we know how to do and how much has to be learned, and learned by experience. Throughout this whole virus, she has been a better patient than I have ever confronted. She must have been so uncomfortable, crampy, feverish, chilly and utterly crappy feeling but she barely complained and didn't cry or fuss. She actually was very sweet and cuddly. And though I would never wish this upon my kids, because I was sick it made it easier to deal with them because they were sick too making them are less active.
So this is my first experience with a major virus in my kids and it has gotten better day by day. Needless to say, we wont be attending any activities this week because it is not necessary to risk getting anyone else sick with this. And I like to do what I hope other parents would do.