Our Adequacies

I know this has been brought up a million times but I wonder why us moms can be unkind to each other sometimes. Someone recently made a comment to me about my child that served only to remind me of one of their inadequacies which I was already well aware of. It bothered me because I already know it is an issue and I don't need a friend of mine to make me feel bad by being reminded of it. The problem was that I was feeling a bit sensitive at the time and the comment struck me the wrong way. It isn't as if the advice of this mother is coming from a mother whose children are perfectly adequate in all ways. Why must mother's compare their children with each others' and inadvertently, or purposefully put each other down? It seems to start when the children become toddlers and start gaining usable skills like drinking out of a cup, walking and talking, and then of course potty training. But yet, when the child is an infant, and sits like a lump, you'd think that my lump is equal to your lump and there is no comparison and discussion. But even so, we take our stands on breastfeeding, working or staying home and mess with eachother's heads with these factors in raising our lumps.
I realized when Gabriella was a colicky infant and I was catapulted into motherhood with no training and no clue, that it is hard. And no matter what each mother deals with - a difficult baby, a sick baby, a difficult family life, poor support system, unfavorable financial situation, working or isolated- whatever the situation is, when you have a child, it is hard. And since I learned this, and many others should have too, shouldn't we all support each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt? I guess because it is so hard that we need to constantly boost ourselves so we feel good about what we are doing. And we shouldn't do this at another's expense. We should give the mother the benefit of the doubt because we don't know what they are going through. And God bless the mother's whose children have special needs, deformities or disabilities. That just adds so much onto the already hard job we have.
My son developed a hemangioma on his forehead days after he was born. This was a small window into the thought process that could result from a deformity like this. A hemangioma can develop into something rather large and defacing as well as impairing. Fortunately, Marco's did not, it stayed long enough for me to realize how fortunate every inch of unscathed flesh is on my children. And it stayed long enough for me to field questions from strangers and friends about it, and maybe spread the awareness  and realization of all of their blessings. People tried to make this scar a positive by telling me it was a kiss from God, or they called it a raspberry. I don't go for that kind of stuff. It's a collection of blood vessels in the skin. God kissed mine and yours and all of theirs, and I don't think He wears lipstick or gives them a hickey. It is what it is and because it arose on the magical forehead on my remarkable child, I loved it. I read about it and I left it alone. And as it was described, it grew until it peaked in size, and before my eyes began to vanish. I guess no mom wants a child who is impaired. Life is easier when you function properly and life is easy when you are beautiful. But there is so much inside that means much more than that. And I am not trying to sound cheesy but after you get up there in age you see a lot of unfortunate things and sad people and if you are strong inside, and content with a life where suffering is inevitable, you are pretty darn adequate. If you can smile through strife, you may as well be the equivalent of a 18 month old walking with their open drinking cup, rockin' big girl panties and talking about your feelings with your big girl words.

The Zenfull Side of the Door

I brought a few books down to Louisiana with me and I have read Room by Emma Donoghue,  Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes, Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali, Incendiary by Chris Cleave and now on to The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. They are all good books. However, the zenfull Mothering book I feel like I rushed through. It seems my only 'zenfull' moments are when I am in bed going off to sleepyland and I may have read parts of it partially sleeping. I have no time to be calm. What a ridiculous contradiction. Actually, without reading this book, the cover itself makes me calm. It is a beautiful baby sleeping on what appears to be a mom's pregnant belly. Though it doesn't make much sense if this is in fact what the shot is because the baby is pretty young. So either this mom is destined for a huge challenge in remaining zenfull with her children less than 18 months apart, or she has some very smooth, stretch-mark-free baby weight and protrusion to lose in her abdomen. The other possibility is this perfect baby fell asleep on another bump of the mom's body... but I can't place which bump that is.
Either way, I am trying to be compassionately, mindfully full of loving kindness :) (Buddhist buzz words for those of you who have not graced your agitated eyes over the soothing text of a Buddhist inspired book).
So this book tells me to feel my anger and give it its time to acknowledge it, then watch it dissipate. Anger is a feeling just like any other which I can experience. The author quoted anohter's thoughts on this anger as such,
If you get angry and upset you can pay attention to what you are feeling in your body, in your stomach, the tightness in your throat, whether your chest feels constricted - you can even acknowledge that there is a lot of anger coming up. It's one thing to describe and acknowledge it and another to act it out. I soon realised that whatever emotion was coming up would dissipate extremely quickly.
by Yvonne Rand  when interviewed in Why Buddhism?

So I have found myself saying this to myself as my children dump their milk over the table, almost pilfer a toy from the Walmart and tell me they have to pee 5 min into a long car ride prefaced by me offering our nice clean homey potty before leaving:.. I feel the anger. As if I could actually feel my blood pressure rising, this is what I imagine it would be like. This is anger, this is anger... and I'll let it pass.
Even as I type this, I feel this frustration. As my daughter comes over to me with her loud, repetitiously musical Leapster asking me to help her get the crown. I say, "wait a minute, I'm in the middle of a sentence". So she puts it down inches from me, so the voice of Aurora and the annoyingly digital music swipes zen from my ears. Then, of course, my son follows suit with his loud Toy Story game that gets placed by the other ear waiting for me appease the cowboy and space ranger....

Five minutes later...
Ok, loud games are off and on the too-high-for-a-kid-to-reach mantle.  Zen did not prevail this time. I guess I should have read the book slower. Irritation rose in me like boiling pasta water and I opened my lid and let it bubble over. The kids are now doing a quite game with magnets and stickers. I guess the problem is that I feel entitled to an uninterrupted moment of my own. I expect it, because why would I sit down to this computer and this blog if I expected to by interrupted sixteen times and have a very incoherent train of thought? Why would I choose to put myself in a position of these expectations when I have two little kids here with me who need me to facilitate their activity, reconcile their verbal and physical assaults on eachother and give snacks and wipe butts intermittently -  why did I have the crazy idea that I could do something on my own in the midst of this?? Well, I did. Shame me for having great expectations, but I selfishly believe that I should have some minutes for me. It's the same with a phone call- do you think I could have a peaceful phone call? I had to close myself in the garage the other day on the phone with the insurance company because these smart children somehow didn't understand the sign language of my mouth and hands gesturing to the phone, mouthing "I'M ON THE PHONE". Then I had to keep a stronghold onto the door because they took turns trying to pull it open. Where was my zen then? It takes alot of control to not answer that anger and frustration.
Another thing I took from the book is to try to understand where the kids are coming from. So I try to put myself in the mind of a kid with mommy on the phone locking herself in the garage when I want her to come play with me and get me more water to drink- Is she ignoring me? Doesn't she love me? Maybe I should smack my brother on the head, that usually works to get her to come over to me quick. yes, I will do that. And if that doesn't work, maybe I'll whine. I know mommy gives me attention with that. Even if she yells at  me, I just want her to be here, on my side of the door.
So, if I can stay on their 'side of the door' more often, I may not get so irritated when life doesn't meet my expectations because I don't understand what it is like on their side of the door and they are not capable of understanding what it is like on my side of the door. In being the mom, the adult who knows best, I need to zenfully get down to their side of the door.
...
As I hear the escalation of voices, and the claim that someone wrote on Marco's face, I realize that this 7 minute increment of satisfaction in activity is over and I must re-solicit and close my door.

I don't negotiate with terrorists or two-year-olds

I am on Facebook like millions of other people. I initially got emails requesting that I be friends with a couple people but I said no because I wasn't sure who they were. Then one day I got a request from a good friend of mine asking if I would be her friend. I thought, well of course I should be her friend, I am her friend. So that was friend number one and now I'm over 100 deep. Even after routinely deleting people, I have this many friends. And Facebook is so amicable in that it calls everyone your friend - whether you know them, like them or are just curious about them but could care less - they are still your "friend". As those ladies in the south would say, "Ain't that nice" with a marginal, southern smile.
So anyway, an acquaintance of mine who is my "friend" on facebook wrote a funny post that stuck in my head. "I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds". I found this disgustingly funny because you have a little child looking at you, nagging at you, asking for something that your better judgement tells you to say 'no'. You actually consider a 'yes' response to that little menace just because your mothering skills allow you to anticipate the reaction of the menace to your 'no' and you want to bypass that. But since I am such a stickler of a mother I say 'no' and listen to the madness ensue. I repeat in my head to myself, "I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds."
That meltdown is like a rattling that you can't seem to find the source of. Like the voice of a person you dislike who talks too much. Like having the TV on, the radio on and your kids talking to you about why they cant have a third bowl of ice cream. It's annoying. And for some reason, things that are annoying insult our brain from the inside out- and at all costs, we want it to stop. Being a parent requires perseverance to get through the jackhammer of infant crying and the rattling annoyance of toddler whining.
That is why we watch them when the sleep. And take pictures of them when they sleep. And reminisce of how they've grown and how sweet and wonderful they are. When those little sweet, soft lips are closed and their whole face is still it is so peaceful because all too familiar are the noises, the movement, and the energy of the day from start to finish. Culminated by the heightened craziness that comes on when little ones get tired.
So no, I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds and I do lose my mind sometimes and I do love to watch them sleep.

Be Where you are

As I sing you to sleep,

I am missing holding your small body.

I haven't been a parent long,

but long enough to know

you grow too quick.

As I try to keep our dinner time under control

I am hating myself for not letting you

laugh and squeal and scream with happiness.

I am relatively young,

but old enough to know

innocent bliss doesn't last forever.

As I hustle you out of the house with me

and feel my patience dwindle

I know I don't have the time now-

but someday,

I will have all the time in the world

and I wont have you to share it with.

Each day I try to savor you. Each day I remind myself how precious each moment is. And as I foresee your growth I realize it is coming and the present is going and nothing like parenting can teach you the importance of being where you are. Unfortunately we realize this in retrospect. My daughter is 40 inches tall. She came out of me 21 3/8th inches long. By five she will have doubled her length - and that is slow compared to so many other aspects of her development. I guess this is why that Duggar family on TV has like 18 kids - the growth, the doubling and your job will never end. There certainly is a limit to my patience as a mother and I want to do a good job so 18 would not suit me well. I suppose I reflect on them because I love them so much and by the nature of it, my love must change again and again as they grow. And I love them more and more and more...

Silence is golden

My kids got up at 5am today, which is unfortunately normal for my little one, but Gabby usually wakes up a bit later, about 6, so she was on the cranky side. After many moments of whining, crying and frustrated outbursts, she went down for her nap. And most wondrously following was Marc who needed at nap at the same time. Anyone with kids (or those those who work with kids, God bless you) knows this moment. The sweet intoxicating silence of sleeping babies. It is almost like food...like cake. It is so nourishing and energizing. I don't know why silence is associated with loneliness because that is the last thought that enters my mind when I am enveloped in silence. There is so much I want to do with myself that I can't imagine ever getting to the point of loneliness when there is silence in my world. The sun seems brighter, the floor seems cleaner, the furnace sounds comforting, and my mind seems settled. A mother needs these moments of silence.
And because of this silence to replenish my soul and eardrum tolerance, the little cries that break it, pull me back to their rescue in a nurturing mother's way. As Frankie Valli says, "silence is golden".

To better myself

I always try to better myself, especially when it comes to my relations with my family. Having children is a challenge and toddlerhood can test you. Occasionally I have to remind myself of my children's innocence and ask for more patience. I write in this blog, and I have written poetry for many years as an outlet, and this is something I jotted down the other day.

Let me remember
that they are just babies.
The things they do that bother me
are rarely meant personally.
They need to feel safe
they thrive when I am in control.
(I don't have a problem being consistent
I have a problem getting frustrated
because I am consistent).
Let me have more patience.
Let me give them confidence in me
that I may remain in control when
I am tested.
Other things in my day may also
frustrate me.
Let me not take it out on my children.
Le me be where I am.

Let me know my limitations
and anticipate the situations
that may threaten my control and calmness
Let me try not to fill my plate
with more than I may comfortably eat
if it means that I will become less pleasant
after I've overindulged.
Finally, let me have patience and resolve
for the situations in which I must
concentrate
despite the many usual distractions
from my children and my day.

I am their first example, I am their first teacher.
Let me embrace that responsibility
and do the best that I can.

Romance

I wanted to share something I found very sweet. With Valentines Day coming up, a women's group nearby had arranged a "man panel" and I had the opportunity of listening in. The mediator went over a few questions and closed with a question asking the men what they think romance, or a romantic evening is. One of the panel members, whom I admired for his ease in expressing himself, said, "I may get in trouble for this but my view of romance is not the typical view - Romance to me is walking, holding hands... with my child between us. A child is the ultimate expression of romance and it is very special to be hand in hand with my child and my wife on her other side". I thought this was ridiculously sweet. In fact, for me a very special time with my husband is time we share together with our children. So much of life is taken up by routines and formalities - driving, eating, bathing, cleaning, cooking, shopping.... that to have time with my dear family, together, unstructured, just enjoying each other is ultimately special and actually romantic.

This man who said this was a lawyer, and good lawyers are inherently well spoken. But he seemed to be able to brush aside all the things that cloud us from the clarity in our mind and was then able to verbalize it. Often, people don't know what they are really, really thinking because they clutter up their thoughts with so many other distractions - pre-conceived notions, ulterior motives, hidden agendas, maintaining an image, protecting someone, etc. that we rarely say what we mean. It takes confidence, honesty and insightfulness to get to that point and I'd like to think I am getting there, and would love to continue to get as close to that as I am comfortable doing.
I believe you must be confident in what you believe and stand behind all that you do to be able to speak in this earnest way- if you don't believe in yourself, no on will believe you; and if you do believe in yourself, others will more likely gravitate to your view.

Joining groups for your kids

I joined a church parent support group in which you bring your kids to the group meetings and there are volunteers there that help entertain the kids and do projects with them while the parents/caregivers discuss topics related to parenting. This is exactly the type of group I was looking for - one which 1. you can bring your kids, 2. you can engage in discussion with other parents/adults and not just watch kids together, and 3. stimulate my mind with moderated topics that may benefit me as a person and/or parent. I looked into churches for some activities for my kids because I thought the people in the church would be nicer and more family centered. Some other groups I have been apart of with my kids have been a bit less substantial, I'll say. For example, meeting at a small coffee shop so you can gab with other moms while your kids sit by and get bored. Those types of "play dates" work if you have a very tame and peaceful newborn who sits in their car seat for long periods of time.
Also, I spent some time in the south in Tennessee and I found that, at least from my experience, the people I met were more family/community/church oriented and up north the people are a bit more selfish, over-involved in work, more day-care, etc. Of course I live near New York City which is the financial capital of the world and lends itself to a large population with the do more, get more mentality. I am making a grand generalization here and I know there are all types of people everywhere. So, knowing the family-oriented people are here too, I decided I didn't find many of them because I must not be looking in the right places. Additionally, before I had children, I rose in my career and was very focused in that respect also. So I suppose I am now trying to flock with some other birds now that I am a mother. I enjoyed the interactions in the church group for both myself and my kids, but I can say it does take a while to find your niche in this parenting game and by the time you do, your kid is probably at the next level of the game and the comfort level you finally discovered doesn't matter anymore!

Privacy and Paranoia

My husband and I are private people so I have changed our names in this blog. However, I am undecided about this privacy thing. Having children increases your awareness to so many other risks and fears in the world, and this is largely attributed to the media coverage of abductions, abuses and other horrible crimes against children. Those people didn't expect it to happen to their children and they didn't deserve it either, so it too could have been me. Then, if a parent could do anything to assure that these things wont happen to their child they probably will; even though there is little foreseeable risk, it does happen and you just don't want it to be you. However, I understand that the incidence of child abductions has remained steady or decreased over the years - just reporting has increased. So, years ago when kids were able to and encouraged to go play outside and around their neighborhood the perceived risk was lower and the actual risk was higher than today! Many of us, my husband and I included have had things happen to us that forces us to lose our trust in people, especially when it comes to our kids. Are we suppose to hold onto that fear and extend it to the majority of the population, or are we suppose to let it go assuming the majority of people are good? In the end, I think we give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to our own welfare, but not for our kids. Maybe we'll have to find trust in a few certain situations and places in our life for example, one particular park, the school grounds, or church functions to allow our child the free spirited growth they should have.

Missing it

When my first daughter was born she had colic for many months and I was a new, unexpecting parent. This time was difficult and involved more of "getting through it" than savoring it. When we were expecting our second baby, I said to myself that I would savor it more. The precious tiny baby bodies grow so quickly that the memory of holding an infant that so readily falls asleep on your chest is fleeting. I decided that I would savor these times and embrace the little developmental advancements without the stress of the uncertainty of a new parent and the concurrent life changes that go along with it. Yet, I didn't realize that having two children makes it more difficult to savor any one thing. And, ironically of course, my son grew far quicker than my girl did and I missed it again.

The begining of defiance

I don't understand why kids need persuasion to cooperate with what their suppose to do. My daughter is at the age which I can't just tell her to go wash her hands and she'll do it. Up until now, she did! For her it is fun to disagree with my request, and it is part of her development to be able to make up her own mind. It is inherently difficult because she wants to be independent but she doesn't know what is best for her yet. It leads parents to either bribe or scold the child. For now, I tell her calmly and firmly, "mommy is not playing, please do ______ now". If she still doesn't, or runs away which is very fun, I tell her "you have a choice, either do__________ or go to the corner". Then she comes out of the corner when she is ready to do _________. This works, it is just frustrating that many requests in a day have to be negotiated and create tension. But, the tension is mine only because my daughter seems infinitely resilient and is the unfazed by confrontation. So this brings me back to my belief that parenting is all about the parent. We get a lot thrown at us and the need to deal with it properly rather than thinking what is being thrown will be thrown gently or quietly placed in front of us. It seems to me that the "throwing" will never end. A key to dealing with this calmly is to not take it personally. I must continually remind myself that she is not defying me, she is developing appropriately...at least I am trying to convince myself of that.

Balanced mom

I was contacted yesterday to see if I am available to come into work while another dietitian is out on medical leave. I was initially excited because I like what I do and I like to earn my own money. But with children, it is not that easy to just say yes and hop in to work.
Right now, I do not have balance between my life as a parent and my own identity otherwise. I am overwhelmed with my current situation, and although it is beneficial to be away from your kids, sometimes as crazy as it may seem, when you are overwhelmed it is harder to leave what is causing you that stress.
In terms of the day-to-day activities, I do everything for my children. Honestly, I do not want to become comfortable having a lot of help because if one day that help is not available, I fear I will be ill-equipped to handle the situation. Plus, I truly believe that my kids are my responsibility and I don't believe I should delegate the activities necessary to their life if I don't have to. For instance, I believe they should sleep in our home - they are my children and they belong in their own bed at home. I do not criticize what other moms do because everyone's life situation is different and their ability to handle that life differs from person to person. Not to mention, raising children is hard. I know it because I have them, and for that knowledge, I do not judge.
However, many times I believe other moms are much better off leaving a child with a family member for a day, putting them in school or day care, hiring a nanny, or getting a break otherwise. These moms have sanity. It seems moms with multiple children rarely do everything without help - and that is not a fault it is for survival and sanity and for patience-restoration. I told my husband jokingly, "This is parenting," pointing at myself, "this is what being a parent is all about - carrying on through the day, with mess in your wake, becoming more and more annoyed as the day progresses until you nearly want to kill them just before you put them to bed as early as the possibility for tomorrow morning's painlessness will allow!" I was kidding, but this is reality. It is difficult to keep children happy at their various ages, keep them safe, clean and fed, while always remembering not lower your standards realizing actions in the present correspond to learned behavior in the future. This is the hardest job I've had and the most important job I've had. I am not perfect but I care immensely about my children and I go to bed having done the best job I can, while asking for the patience and energy to do it again and to improve my shortcomings.