Saturday, December 7, 2013

Rudy and women

I tend to be flatly wired, or more closely, plugged into the ground wire- I'm steady and experience little emotional fluctuations in terms of sadness and joy. So I decided to use a prompt to bring out some of my emotions so my kids could see what a human, like their own mama, can experience.
I rented Rudy.
I remember being a youth and my parents rented this movie- by looking at the cover, I had little desire to watch it then, but it turned out to be memorable enough to follow me almost two decades later. I remember crying at this movie to an extent I felt my own inane emotions betrayed me. That movie reels you in and squeezes you out like a wet towel. 
So I put it in and Gabby nestled against me through the whole film, Marco fidgeted, in and out, on and on. 
I provided some bits of narration to ensure they understood the reasons behind some things. They get the feelings the actors feel, and understand the literal action, but not always the motives, or little, but important lines.

Gabby was cheering Rudy on and giving words of encouragement as of half way through the movie, well before a climax. She didn't fuss or want to get up, and as Marco was rolling over us and seeing how far off the couch he could jump, Gabby and I were with Rudy.

Once again, I cried. I cheered and gathered in my girl who felt the emotion as naturally as any heart wielding human can. 

Afterward, she said she was embarrassed about crying, and told me of another time she cried watching a movie while other kids didn't. It was the Lion King- well, geez, that one will get you for sure! I told her she has a  beautiful heart that can feel for others and nothing should ever change about that. We bonded in Rudy's name- she wanted to meet Rudy.
But the finest part came later.
After we all got ready for bed, washed up, read books, tucked in, Gabby comes to me in the kitchen as I was getting a cup of tea and says she was scared before of my reaction, but she was now brave. She proceeded to confess a minor infraction to me- something that had been a contentious subject in the past. She hid it from me since she got back from school, but now, on her own accord, she confessed her actions and mental dialog around it. It was kind of priceless... and it was Rudy!! She said Rudy made her brave! I bet part of it was a emotional bonding during Rudy which fostered a safer place for confessions, but either way...
Rudy prevailed again.

Women are fantastic creatures and I should really embrace all the expanses of our compassionate capabilities. Crying has a purpose sometimes, I suppose!
(I wonder what I confessed to my mom after I watched this as a youth? Lol :)

Friday, November 1, 2013

Making Stories

I might be moving.

And it's a blog unto itself to explore all the ideas that that brings up. But I recently asked a friend of mine if she ever moved around when she was younger and the conversation led to us sharing a story about our grandmas' and Snapple drinks.
I thought about how our stories define us when we are young and don't really know who we are yet. We meet someone new and tell them where we grew up, what nationality we are, what are parents do for a living. These things make up the superficial picture of us to a stranger. Well, I am arming my kids with lots of material to tell their strangers. One was born in the hard fast north and the other was born in the deep Cajun south. We moved once and now we're moving again - they will tell their strangers all about it and integrate all the pictures I'll be taking with the scant memories they'll have at these young ages. Hopefully they will say it made them stronger or more outgoing, or more fearless.

I might be giving them stories.

And when we pack our bags and say good by to this house that they started school in and get on the plane, I'll say, "Alright kids, let's make a story."

Domestic abuse and human expansion

I went to a domestic abuse vigil to support a friend of mine. And it was sensitive and triumphant and a simple beauty. I sat and observed and took in the night.
There were probably 20 total people there and one could assume that most of them have had a personal experience with domestic abuse, or like me they were supporting one who had. There was an older man sitting there who raised his hand and spoke at some point during the night and he offered up his lack of understanding about the whole situation and cycle. He didn't understand how you could love someone who hurts you, how you could stay with them - the whole thing really blew his mind. He told briefly of the solid, wholesome foundation of his nuclear family, and of his adoring relationship with his wife. This is what he knew and he admittedly did not understand the speakers, the survivors or the turmoil and grief.
I was surprised to hear a man come to a domestic abuse vigil to say that he didn't get how all this even went on and how these women could find themselves in this situation. Yet, I was silently grateful for his openness to admit his naiveté and in this forum. It's like going to a rally against cancer to say you don't get how people get cancer. After taking in his questions and responses, I regarded him as brave to have the conversations, and to attend the vigil. He engaged in something he didn't understand and when you put yourself beyond your comfort zone, it enhances you. And engaging yourself in something you don't understand expands humanity.
We tend to stay with what we know, and only by being thrown into an experience is how we experience it. But I think more of us should attend targeted groups and focused rallies. If I know nothing about Alaska, I should watch the show about law enforcement in Alaska. And if I care nothing for weddings, I should attend a bridal show. That is how I will expand myself. That is how I become more human - not by indulging in that which I already relish.
Kudos to the older man who can't grasp domestic abuse! He showed up, naïve and simple and all and he expanded himself.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Connection

I've heard life is all about connection. That as humans, we are meant to connect with each other - we talk, we are social and we hash things out collectively. The human experience is about connection.

So I was in an early mass this weekend with my two young kids and being catholic, that means we are sequestered to silence for 1 hour of our Sunday. No matter how long we've been going, it is just difficult for them to not move much and not talk much, and me to deal with the latters. Kids have grown up saying what they think and asking many questions, and mine are innately mystified by whispering. My son was telling me a very perceptive observation about how the colors of the hanging decor at the alter had changed and he went on and on - are we in a different church? why aren't they blue? that man is different....and all I could do was keep shushing him and gave the quickest placating answer in hopes that he would just stop talking. And of course, my girl was talking to herself this whole time. And I realized that they were the only little kids in there at this early mass. The later mass is the "family mass." So for 40 minutes or so I shushed them intermittently, redirected them from standing on the kneeling pads, kneeling on the pew and sitting on me. All I saw were peoples backs and their heads turned from me. From behind me, I felt people looking at me. I dared not look to the side of me because simply everyone is facing forward, standing still and silent. I felt mildly conspicuous but that is such a common feeling in church with kids that it's par for the course. But there is an underlying shunned feeling when everyone is turned from you like that.

Then we were prompted to shake hands and offer a sign of peace to your neighbor. At that brief moment - all the bodies in front and to the side of me turned to each other and me - they looked at me with bright eyes, most of them remembering their own kids in church - The grandmas are probably thinking, "oh let them be, they're kids." While really thinking, "I wish I had those days back, they were so sweet and cute and innocent, now my son is doing X and my daughter just said Y... oh let them kick my pew and poke at my coat, its ok!" So I met eyes with everyone in front, across, to the side and behind us. They were all warm and shook my hand, some shook my kids' hands and of course i got to scoop up my babies and give them a piece of peace that only a mother can. And I felt the weight fall off - after that moment of connection, there was warmth, acceptance and fondness. I no longer minded as much that they couldn't seem to stop asking random questions, have to pee every 20 minutes or didn't get the whisper concept. We all met eyes and hands and by the looks on the stranger's faces, it felt ok. It was that connection that made it better. How can you feel that someone cares about you when they have their back to you and their eyes away?

So, yes, I guess, it is all about connection.

Monday, September 9, 2013

New Friends

There is something to be said for new friends. Like old money and new money, there are old friends and new friends. And I have enjoyed cultivating the relationships of new friends - not because of a commonality of background, history or upbringing - but because of a mutual respect for our differences and humor in our similarities. They are the ones who really take you as you are and are not subject to the baggage of your past or the meddleings that made you who you are. These things are good and necessary, but not necessary to relive in an active conversation. You are a result of how you processed your life and what you present to new friends is the finished computer program. You can tell them how you tried a sequence and failed, how you tried another and won, but what you are is what you are and they can like you just for that. No obligation, no perpetuation, no pre-conception. Come as you are.
And you have a clean slate to be the best quality friend that you can. Sometimes the dynamics of old friendships diminish your capacity to care. Sometimes you find yourself typecast. With a new friend, you can be better or deeper, or simpler or surface floating. Whatever it is you need and want, you present yourself as such and it works with a new friend. If you need more, and you make yourself vulnerable with a new friend, you can throw out the line and they'll probably catch it because of the mutual respect no one had the chance to ruin. No one let anyone down. And when you find a new friend, at a more mature age and place in your life, it is entirely possible that no one will.