Old and Young

I recently listened to a speaker who explained how much we idealize youth. And we do! We give attention to youth, the beauty of youth, the exploration of youth and greatly disregard the elderly. Having worked so closely with the elderly in what used to be a retirement home (now a "nursing home"), the dignity is largely missing in these individuals and the respect for them is missing as well. Many times the elderly are brushed aside, and after I have heard my own grandmother tell me the same story about how much milk used to cost and where she had to move to when her husband was active in the army, I begin to lose focus on our conversations. (Funny enough, she moved to California - where you could see the mountains on one side and the ocean on the other - and I would think to myself that that sounded great! And moving must have been wonderful because California beautiful, and California is romanticized by people of my generation....why? Probably because it is infested with youth, fame, vanity and all the things we glorify and that captivate the media. I do believe California is indeed gorgeous and rich in natural beauty - but I bet my generation has a more O.C. vision in mind when they are California dreaming). Regardless, we focus so much attention on beauty and youth and the media thrives on this so much that we forget about the wisdom, experience and yes, beauty of the older generations. Now that I am a mother, I realize how many youth programs are available - there are endless things to get your child involved in and schools to put them in, if you are financially able, that is. But are there this many activities to engage our elderly citizens?
Today, I sat in a group discussion in a program I was trying out and the members of group spanned the ages with me being the youngest, and the oldest was in her 70s or more. I first sat down disappointed that there weren't more members in my age group - the group I went out of my way to attend so as to get to know people, maybe make friends and engage my mind - was half full of elderly women.
I listened to one of the older women speak clearly, wisely and I allowed my mind to slap myself in the face for thinking negatively of my experience because of the ages of these members. This women has probably had 40 years over me to reflect on her whole life, including the place that I am now in my little life. How could I discount the words of this woman?
She spoke of how she wanted to have another child after her first but had tremendous difficulty conceiving again. She acknowledged that she was grateful for her first but desperately wanted another one. Briefly she told a story of being in the doctors office upset that once again fertilization treatments were not successful for her, but hearing a women cry in the next room because she found out she was pregnant and didn't want the baby. The woman told this to the group with composure and calm and spoke about a subject that must have been painful and heart wrenching at the time. This tells me she has come to terms with this time of her life and is not angry about it anymore so that she is able to talk about it. Often our emotions get in the way of our ability to speak calmly about things. I should never discounted this woman or any other older person, because they have so much to give... and they may share it better than those of us with fresh, emotional scars!

As we age, we become close to who we are

I was reading over some old emails between me and my sibling and some other family members and I realized how much has changed in just a few years. I guess young adulthood is a very pivotal time and people change from how you knew them, and they find their own direction. So maybe it can be said that we are not really who we are until we get through that transitional, influential bunch of years between oh... about 18 and 25, I'll say. However I do believe we have tendencies in our personality, in our character, in our work ethic that exist that are either suppressed or nurtured depending upon who we meet and where we go. This can have a lot to do with who we select as a mate also. For instance, I met a wonderful man who I believe has elevated me as a person, and I have also brought out better qualities in him as well. In speaking about couples other than yourself, I believe that the outsider NEVER knows the whole story about what is between them. This idea reminds me of what someone said in a video highlighting the traditions of Texas A&M University - "From the inside you can't explain it and from the outside you can't understand it".

To better myself

I always try to better myself, especially when it comes to my relations with my family. Having children is a challenge and toddlerhood can test you. Occasionally I have to remind myself of my children's innocence and ask for more patience. I write in this blog, and I have written poetry for many years as an outlet, and this is something I jotted down the other day.

Let me remember
that they are just babies.
The things they do that bother me
are rarely meant personally.
They need to feel safe
they thrive when I am in control.
(I don't have a problem being consistent
I have a problem getting frustrated
because I am consistent).
Let me have more patience.
Let me give them confidence in me
that I may remain in control when
I am tested.
Other things in my day may also
frustrate me.
Let me not take it out on my children.
Le me be where I am.

Let me know my limitations
and anticipate the situations
that may threaten my control and calmness
Let me try not to fill my plate
with more than I may comfortably eat
if it means that I will become less pleasant
after I've overindulged.
Finally, let me have patience and resolve
for the situations in which I must
concentrate
despite the many usual distractions
from my children and my day.

I am their first example, I am their first teacher.
Let me embrace that responsibility
and do the best that I can.

Romance

I wanted to share something I found very sweet. With Valentines Day coming up, a women's group nearby had arranged a "man panel" and I had the opportunity of listening in. The mediator went over a few questions and closed with a question asking the men what they think romance, or a romantic evening is. One of the panel members, whom I admired for his ease in expressing himself, said, "I may get in trouble for this but my view of romance is not the typical view - Romance to me is walking, holding hands... with my child between us. A child is the ultimate expression of romance and it is very special to be hand in hand with my child and my wife on her other side". I thought this was ridiculously sweet. In fact, for me a very special time with my husband is time we share together with our children. So much of life is taken up by routines and formalities - driving, eating, bathing, cleaning, cooking, shopping.... that to have time with my dear family, together, unstructured, just enjoying each other is ultimately special and actually romantic.

This man who said this was a lawyer, and good lawyers are inherently well spoken. But he seemed to be able to brush aside all the things that cloud us from the clarity in our mind and was then able to verbalize it. Often, people don't know what they are really, really thinking because they clutter up their thoughts with so many other distractions - pre-conceived notions, ulterior motives, hidden agendas, maintaining an image, protecting someone, etc. that we rarely say what we mean. It takes confidence, honesty and insightfulness to get to that point and I'd like to think I am getting there, and would love to continue to get as close to that as I am comfortable doing.
I believe you must be confident in what you believe and stand behind all that you do to be able to speak in this earnest way- if you don't believe in yourself, no on will believe you; and if you do believe in yourself, others will more likely gravitate to your view.

The old and the young

I have done a lot of work in Long Term Care with the elderly and many Alzheimer's patients and it is amazing how similar the elderly are to children. The elderly in particular that I am thinking of are those in various stages of dementia. Some of the similarities are comical, and some very sweet. I can readily compare the mind of elderly afflicted with dementia with the minds of children. If you do not delve into the person, you superficially see that there is a person, young or old, who does not fully understand, express what they feel or know what is going on around them. But if you give time to these people, you find there is so much inside. I have seen men wander without regard- whether down the hall or into the street, speak gibberish, kiss ladies they don't know and fall asleep in arm chairs, lunch rooms, or any one's bed. I have had many conversations with patients on the Alzheimer's unit where I worked that if they were written down into a dialog, you would probably guess that I was speaking with a toddler. Not to mention, they have lost control of their bowels and bladder, they need assistance eating, brushing teeth, changing cloths, bathing and sometimes walking about.

Sometimes my daughter collects things from around the house and puts them into trunks, cabinets, bags, purses or boxes which makes me laugh when I eventually find them. One lady on the Unit would take all the picture frames from other people's rooms and take them to her room and hide them in her drawers.
You begin to see a child's personality come through as they get older. Similarly, in the older adult you see parts of the personality that you already knew very well hang on as the older person's dementia worsens. One sweet woman didn't know her name, didn't know where her room was, forgot when she had eaten just as she stood up from the table, but part of her personality from her younger years was very apparent -she was always meticulous about cleaning and maintaining orderliness. If you looked in her room and her drawers, her cloths were all perfectly folded, down to her undergarments and socks, and her bed was perfectly made without a wrinkle everyday, by her. Both children and the demented elderly have pieces of their personality there, but not the whole picture.
There are so many stories I can think of - one more is another woman also with dementia who carried around a baby doll in her arms, which is not uncommon. My daughter loves baby dolls! - she feels like she is a little mama who can both imitate different things I do and nurture a little one herself. I remember, however, the daughter of this woman was very upset to see her mom with the baby doll because she remembered her mother growing up as being very cold and not very "touchy - feely" but now she has found comfort in being affectionate to a doll.

For me, it is infinitely interesting and rewarding to observe and interact with the elderly, especially those afflicted with Alzheimer's and Dementia. It is such an awful disease, especially for the family members and probably the patient in the early stages. But these people should never be disregarded and I give them the same time of day as other patients of sound mind. They are very special and almost return to innocence. I have heard that it is the child in all of us that is appealing - Many times in the elderly, this child takes a leading roll making them magical, simple and uniquely individual. Just like a child, they often have an imagination- they believe in it and it is OK for us to join them, just like we do with our kids.