You brighten my life

I always find it interesting how we interact with people every day and we barely know them at all. Additionally, I have two children and this is a major part of my life that the people I work with never see and may not even know about. It is nice as a mother to be know for something other than being a mother and cleaning and cooking. But in the end, mothering is my job and I value it more than anything else.
Which brings me to my utter excitement to meld my two worlds and bring my daughter to work with me last week. She hung out with me from about 8:30 to almost 3:30 when I left early after I could see she was getting tired. I loved having her there with me and she brightened my day, my co-worker's day and the resident's day. The recreation department had a "children's fashion show / staff talent show" and that was my excuse to bring her in. As far as the fashion show, her and I just walked down a row of wheelchairs while all the old ladies looked at us and clapped. That one short walk was enough for me, but Gabriella seemed to be getting into it and wanted to walk down again. She was excited to go to work with me and the girly-ness in her was excited about the fashion show. Although after our walk-down and we were watching the rest of the very simple, amateur "show" Gabby asked me, "mama where is the show"? and I told her "This is the show". I think she had grander expectations.
All in all, I had a great day with her and I loved being able to share a big part of my life with my friends at work and to show Gabriella where I go when I leave her all day. It meant alot to me, and it would be nice if bosses were in favor of taking children to work, or if there were more excuses for me to bring her again. (Marco is a bit too young and would have needed a nap in the middle of the day so he wouldn't work out, but I'd love to take him in a year or two as well).
I kept one of the paintings she made me when we were in one of my meetings and taped a picture of her to it and stuck it on the wall of my office. I wrote on the paper, "You brighten my life".

The world beyond me

I have seen my very clingy infant become more confident and independent -(although still 75% dependant instead of 95%), and my toddler become more independent and opinionated. It seems that they both have realized that there is a world outside of me. I was there all the time, facilitating their interactions, monitoring them and providing only the stimulation that I had or could bring them to. Now they see there is life beyond me, West New York, NJ and our home base. And I, just as much, have realized there is something more to my world beyond them. I can help people, I can comfort people, I can develop social and professional relationships, I can drive with the music loud, I can run outside and enjoy that feeling of limitless freedom that running can give me, and I am so valuable that someone wants to pay me and give me health care, to be me! And still, I am so needed when I arrive back home, that my infant hugs me, crawls to me, and my toddler calls for mama and runs to me (at home, or after 6 o'clock at day care). It has been a nice realization for all of us, and I think we have all blossomed as individuals in our own way. I like working and I like that I now can let go of the desire to rush back to my kids right after work and allow myself to enjoy exercise. Maybe God made Gabby flip out before 6pm so that I can be a well-rounded, more fulfilled mama, or so that my husband can take on another important role in their day. Who knows, but I still know my kids better than anyone, and we are all pretty darn happy.

Evening Routine

Work is still going really well. My one complaint so far is that if I get back to pick up my babies before about 6:00 or so, Gabby doesn't seem to want to see me. My thoughts without psychoanalyzing this is that she doesn't want to see me because when it's too early her friends haven't left yet. Her favorite friend leaves at 6, so I think she is ready to come home then. But I have to tell you, she puts up a major fuss when I try to pick her up early, and it is exhausting for me to deal with. I have had to literally drag her out of the place because she was having an all out throw down because she didn't want to leave - so I hold Marc in one arm and pull Gabby out kicking and screaming with the other- and it is not fun. Especially when I am excited to see them and excited to get back home at an early hour. Marc shares this excitement with me, but not Gabby.

I really had enough of this display by my daughter when I pick her up so on Wednesday when I got out early, I took my iPod and my sneakers and went for a run out and around my work- it was 68-70 degrees, sunny, breezy and wonderful. I had to give up something that was an important and enjoyable part of my life when I started working, and I had to majorly modify it in general when I had kids- so if my chick doesn't want to see me early, I will work out after work, regain that part of my life and have an enjoyable reunion everyday when I pick them up. I used to run so much, all over the place. I developed a relationship with all the locations in which I have lived by running there, because I am able to do while being driven by the wonderful endorphins that flow through me is to observe my surroundings. The trains, the buses, the cars the people, the stores, the garbage, the buildings, houses and the water. All these things become my friends and I endear to them all - I have never disliked any area that I have ran through.

Yes, Marc would like to see me earlier, but I'll be a nicer mother to both of them if everyone is nice to me. So Wednesday went well after my run, and Thursday it was raining and I didn't get out early enough to do that much so I went to get them and I said to my self, "I hope she goes easily". And she didn't. I and I have to admit, I was exhausted from this, not because of work but because I anticipated this reaction and it is so difficult. So I have this emotion that wants to just clock her sometimes, but since I can't do that, it had to get it out somehow, so I started to cry. We all sat in the car while I finished crying for about 2 minutes. Gaby was screaming saying "don't put me in the car seat" repeatedly, I was crying with my hand over my face so anyone else picking up their kid didn't think I was some mentally unstable mom who needs a referral, and Marc was nicely strapped in his seat looking at us like we were all nuts, "why is my sister screaming, I am happy to see mama. My car seat is nice too - it's like a gentle sedative. Why is mama sad? She was just smiling and hugging me." So anyway, I composed myself, went back and got her in her car seat and went home.

I called a women from the church group I used to go to who's opinion I value very much and she told me about a book to help parents communicate with their kids and to get out of them what they are thinking and feeling. So I ordered it online. I am open to anything that helps me learn and helps me be a better parent. But she said something so simple that we all learn in any counseling course, to say "that must be hard for you". Sometimes we hear too many suggestions to help the situation but all you want sometimes is for someone to acknowledge that it is hard for you. In that, I feel that 1. she understands what I am going through, 2. she agrees that it is hard, I know it is because I am the one doing it, but it is nice to know someone feels my pain 3. reminds me that in doing something hard and succeeding, which I am, I am pretty good :)
The woman from my church told me before I started working that my kids will likely be mad at me and seem as if they like their care givers more than me. Now I don't mind that they like their care givers - I think they should, but I do mind if they are mean to me. She thought Gabby's reaction is because she is angry with me because I left her, she doesn't understand why but knows that I was the one that did it. But when I told her about the difference between 5pm and 6pm, she agreed with my hypothesis about Gabby and her friends. When my husband picks them up, early or not, they are both happy. He thinks the different reaction is because it is a novelty to see him. He suggested that I come home to run where it is a bit safer and he can go pick them up. This works out great for me - he gets to have some happy times alone with them, I get to decompress before the little people take over the joint.

So anyway, my trial at this time, after 4 weeks of work, is figuring out the best way to keep everyone the happiest between the hours of 5 and 6, or just rambling on until time runs its course and everyone is happy on their own despite my new dreamed up arrangements.

First week of work

My first week of work went very good, I must say. By day 5, Marc didn't cry or so much as grunt when I dropped him off! And apparently throughout the day, he does drink my expressed milk that from a straw mostly, but he also drinks out of an open cup and a funky "breast-like" bottle. I enjoy being at work also - and believe it or not, I have more energy when come home in the evening than I did when I was home with the kids. Being a stay at home mom is work. And it is a different kind of work than working-work. It is mentally trying, which causes it to be more physically trying than it is meant to be. Being frustrated, or strained emotionally affects you physically and my comparison of work vs. mom-work is a perfect example. Though I do work with people and sick people mostly, I am able to separate myself from it emotionally. However, with my kids I am not. Another nice thing about being at work is that when I am there, work is what I am thinking of. It truly gets your mind off of the other things in your life that when they linger on your brain, cause you stress. Right now, my mind feels at ease when I am there. I know it is common for working moms to feel guilty about working and/or enjoying it, but I wonder, why should I feel guilty if I am more peaceful, more energetic and providing my kids with socialization that they seem willing and comfortable being handed over to? I have been home with my daughter for almost three years, and I have made an excellent foundation for her and my boy and I don't believe this child care situation will change that. As I said to my boss, I will not draw any generalizations until at least two weeks have passed because we all need to adjust to the "new normal". But so far, this arrangement is going very well.
I think it is very important to have faith in time. Time is powerful and healing and it cannot be rushed. I know this is my situation: I am going back to work, and I am leaving my kids for the vast majority of the day with a certified stranger. I know that this may seem like a painful realization to someone who has stayed home with her children and micromanaged everything in their life, which is the nature of a stay-at-home-mom. But I also know that time will make it less painful and time will make it work out so that mom and kids are pleased with the arrangement. So I am taking the position of deferring my emotional reaction until some time has passed so as to skip over any futile worry or sadness and get right to the satisfied contentedness of the situation. If I feel as if I maybe worrying, I remind myself that the temporary problem will resolve and my worry will be wasted energy. I also must say that this is probably easier for me than others and I am thankful for that and I like myself and the way my mind functions just fine.

Choosing child care

The second part of my decision to take that job is the child care I found. I looked at many formal schools and day care centers and when it seemed I was not fully satisfied with what I found, my sister-in-law reminded me that I should look into licenced providers that run a day care out of their home. So I consulted a local classified flyer and found a woman who cares for children out of her home along with a couple staff members. I found them to be nurturing, kind, yet structured and I believe they will foster the children's individual growth. The atmosphere seems very much like home and both my children will be in the same place, in the same room in fact. This may provide them with security and me with comfort when I am away. It is difficult to find childcare to satisfy each individual parent's needs and sometimes it must come down to necessity or convenience or logistics for them that trumps the quality of childcare. But when I said this is all meant to be - it seems I have found it all. And I have seen some facilities I wouldn't dream of putting my children in. Some questions to ask are the following:
- is there frequent staff turnover
- where do the meals come from, what beverages are served
- security of the facility and outdoor area
- napping conditions
- is the TV used, if so how often
- is hand washing enforced both in staff and children
- do they teach responsibility -cleaning up toys, putting food, etc. in garbage
- what are the hours, are they flexible
- remember morning traffic- it may make a short distance unreasonable
- are there other fees- registration, meals, back-up care for vacations/off-weeks from school
- ask for references from parents with existing kids enrolled there, they will either affirm your gut instinct or bring up other concerns you should work out first, or give another perspective
- does your child enter willingly, speak of their experience positively
- spend time with your child in the center/home and if you have the means, allow your child to spend a couple hours there alone before you start them full time
- does the center/home have an evacuation plan or emergency plan and transportation
- do they take field trips- if so how (on earth) is this executed
- speak with the specific teacher/care giver that will be with your child's age group
- try negotiating the cost, esp. with more than one child
Most importantly, walk inside. Spend some time there, listen to the interactions between staff and children and between the staff members, visit often at different times of the day. You will probably get a feeling, weather good or bad rather quickly, but all the "data collection" so to speak will help to make you more comfortable and confident when you are away.
When you are comfortable with where your kids are, you will be able to do your job well and continue to be a good mother when you return to them. And remind yourself that they are enjoying several fresh faces during the day and this is probably better than you on your crabby days!

I got a job

I got a job. This is thought provoking for me on many levels. I am excited to revisit my career, and I am hesitant to do that at the cost of leaving my young children. However, I am picking up something more valuable than money by taking this job and that is health insurance. My husband is not able to have the transplant at the hospital, and with the oncologist he has known for years and by getting new health insurance, I will enable him to do this and have that important comfort level during his procedure. I am doing this for a purpose, and more important than my presence everyday for my kids is the presence of my husband for many days going forward.
This job seems to be meant to be, every aspect of taking this job has flown seamlessly. I already know my boss and I've worked with her before, I don't have to work any weekends at all, which is very unusual in my field, and the salary and benefits are great! Best of all is the beautiful view of the Hudson River from my window... I will place the photos of my husband, my hansom boy and my beautiful girl in front of me, and as my eyes scan my three beauties, from one frame to the next, in between them will be an eyeful of the natural beauty of the river.