Choices

In September I pursued a job that seemed perfect - Another catholic facility, similar size and a management position that is closer to home with on-site parking and more time off. I was excited and invested my mind into this position. I went on two lengthy interviews and negotiated the benefits/salary package until everything seemed to be in my favor. I accepted the job and felt relief that some of my burdens would be eased - I would have a bit more lee way with taking time off if my babies were sick, and maybe even time for myself :), I would have more time in my day with the hours, commute, parking, etc. It all seemed great until my husband saw his oncologist four days before my start date. I had called the financial people in his oncology dept. to check on the medical coverage before I accepted the position or even interviewed and they told me the health insurance that was offered at the new job was great and comparable to what we have now. After all, this is the paramount purpose of me going back to work. I thought that was squared away until his doctor firmly warned him that the new insurance is not good and would not cover the experimental treatment that he recently had with success. I didn't know what to make of this because the billing people told me coverage is good and now his doctor, who doesn't bill anything, tells Tom I should stay at the job I am at. I have been irritated with this doctor for other reasons so that put a bit of doubt in my mind. We wrote an email to the doctor that Monday night before my start date on Friday to try to get a bit more insight without sounding annoying and received back a one line email saying i should stay with the insurance we have now.
Tom didn't want to be the bad guy and squash my hopes but I could tell he thought turning down the job was the best choice. I had been very honest with my boss all along so I told her of my most recent debacle and she suggested I take a moment and go spend a few minutes in the chapel at my work. (She also gave me some homemade brownies because sometimes women need a little chocolate to think). And I tell you , I took her advice at a loss of any other idea, and I sat in that chapel and looked at Christ on the cross, and looked at the ceiling, and the walls, and the pews, and the architecture, and I thought. I guess I could have come up with this all myself but after being in that chapel in the quiet, it was so clear to me and there wasn't a doubt in my mind what I had to do. The right thing to do was to stay. I wanted this new job to work and I wanted all the pieces to fit, but in knowing that I made the right decision, I felt OK to make the decision that I finally made. I felt quite terrible to tell the new employer that I would not accept the job just two days before my start, I felt like I let them down - they took a chance on me, out of all the other applicants, they chose me and saw potential in me and I let them down. I was also disappointed that my relief would not be fulfilled, but I truly believed this was the right decision.
So I told the new job and they were upset but understanding at my honest excuse, and I told my current boss and she was very excited, but as the good friend that she is, she was disappointed for me.
In the chapel, the reading of that Tuesday was as follows:

Although they go forth weeping
carrying the seed to be sown,
They shall come back rejoicing,
carrying their sheaves.
Psalm 126:6
When I first sat down in the chapel, I read the reading of that day hoping to find some answer. What I took away from this wasn't my answer, but my belief that although I will go forward disappointed, it will all be fruitful in the end.