Saturday, June 27, 2009
So the other day I called my OB/GYN to inquire about getting my tubes tied. This past week we were threatened with the possibility that our baby boy had what would be a long term health problem and, though it was not the worst case scenario, I realized that I didn't want to handle anything worse and therefore, I didn't want any more kids to take a chance on. We thought Marc had a type of hemolytic anemia for which the treatment used to be removing the spleen. It was painful to imagine my baby on a surgical table, it was even mildly painful to see his sweet little fat arm have blood drawn from it several times. He had a very low hemoglobin and hematocrit, which are indicators of many types of anemia. We all assumed that it was a hemolytic anemia because of a family history of it, but we were fortunate enough to get Marc to a pediatric hematologist very quickly to get more blood tests done that within a weeks time my mind went from anticipating having my son's spleen removed, and then living with the fear of having a child with no spleen to having what seems to be a normal child with a transient anemia that happens in babies who have had recent back-to-back viruses. Nothing is truly definitive at this point, but we are confident, I suppose, that he does not have the hemolytic anemia we suspected. My poor baby.
You want so bad for your kids to have an easy life and to have no heartache, no trauma, and very little negative stress. I know this is not possible, but I guess it is a parent's hope, and mistakenly a parent's expectation or presumed guarantee. Nothing is guaranteed and I know that. But I sure am happy that I don't have to worry about my baby right now because my husband is enough.
At first I blamed myself when after the initial blood work we thought it was an iron-deficiency anemia which is so common in children. Then,, my husband blamed himself for passing him a possibly hereditary anemia when that is what we thought it was. The blame is not necessary or helpful but I guess it is there because we as parents never wish any hardship on our child and if we blame ourselves, maybe we are trying to take some of that away. Stupid, futile, but impossible to not grieve or feel this way if something happens to your child.
All these experiences, though they may not cause a long term impact are there to remind you and teach you something.