Old and Young

I recently listened to a speaker who explained how much we idealize youth. And we do! We give attention to youth, the beauty of youth, the exploration of youth and greatly disregard the elderly. Having worked so closely with the elderly in what used to be a retirement home (now a "nursing home"), the dignity is largely missing in these individuals and the respect for them is missing as well. Many times the elderly are brushed aside, and after I have heard my own grandmother tell me the same story about how much milk used to cost and where she had to move to when her husband was active in the army, I begin to lose focus on our conversations. (Funny enough, she moved to California - where you could see the mountains on one side and the ocean on the other - and I would think to myself that that sounded great! And moving must have been wonderful because California beautiful, and California is romanticized by people of my generation....why? Probably because it is infested with youth, fame, vanity and all the things we glorify and that captivate the media. I do believe California is indeed gorgeous and rich in natural beauty - but I bet my generation has a more O.C. vision in mind when they are California dreaming). Regardless, we focus so much attention on beauty and youth and the media thrives on this so much that we forget about the wisdom, experience and yes, beauty of the older generations. Now that I am a mother, I realize how many youth programs are available - there are endless things to get your child involved in and schools to put them in, if you are financially able, that is. But are there this many activities to engage our elderly citizens?
Today, I sat in a group discussion in a program I was trying out and the members of group spanned the ages with me being the youngest, and the oldest was in her 70s or more. I first sat down disappointed that there weren't more members in my age group - the group I went out of my way to attend so as to get to know people, maybe make friends and engage my mind - was half full of elderly women.
I listened to one of the older women speak clearly, wisely and I allowed my mind to slap myself in the face for thinking negatively of my experience because of the ages of these members. This women has probably had 40 years over me to reflect on her whole life, including the place that I am now in my little life. How could I discount the words of this woman?
She spoke of how she wanted to have another child after her first but had tremendous difficulty conceiving again. She acknowledged that she was grateful for her first but desperately wanted another one. Briefly she told a story of being in the doctors office upset that once again fertilization treatments were not successful for her, but hearing a women cry in the next room because she found out she was pregnant and didn't want the baby. The woman told this to the group with composure and calm and spoke about a subject that must have been painful and heart wrenching at the time. This tells me she has come to terms with this time of her life and is not angry about it anymore so that she is able to talk about it. Often our emotions get in the way of our ability to speak calmly about things. I should never discounted this woman or any other older person, because they have so much to give... and they may share it better than those of us with fresh, emotional scars!

As we age, we become close to who we are

I was reading over some old emails between me and my sibling and some other family members and I realized how much has changed in just a few years. I guess young adulthood is a very pivotal time and people change from how you knew them, and they find their own direction. So maybe it can be said that we are not really who we are until we get through that transitional, influential bunch of years between oh... about 18 and 25, I'll say. However I do believe we have tendencies in our personality, in our character, in our work ethic that exist that are either suppressed or nurtured depending upon who we meet and where we go. This can have a lot to do with who we select as a mate also. For instance, I met a wonderful man who I believe has elevated me as a person, and I have also brought out better qualities in him as well. In speaking about couples other than yourself, I believe that the outsider NEVER knows the whole story about what is between them. This idea reminds me of what someone said in a video highlighting the traditions of Texas A&M University - "From the inside you can't explain it and from the outside you can't understand it".

To better myself

I always try to better myself, especially when it comes to my relations with my family. Having children is a challenge and toddlerhood can test you. Occasionally I have to remind myself of my children's innocence and ask for more patience. I write in this blog, and I have written poetry for many years as an outlet, and this is something I jotted down the other day.

Let me remember
that they are just babies.
The things they do that bother me
are rarely meant personally.
They need to feel safe
they thrive when I am in control.
(I don't have a problem being consistent
I have a problem getting frustrated
because I am consistent).
Let me have more patience.
Let me give them confidence in me
that I may remain in control when
I am tested.
Other things in my day may also
frustrate me.
Let me not take it out on my children.
Le me be where I am.

Let me know my limitations
and anticipate the situations
that may threaten my control and calmness
Let me try not to fill my plate
with more than I may comfortably eat
if it means that I will become less pleasant
after I've overindulged.
Finally, let me have patience and resolve
for the situations in which I must
concentrate
despite the many usual distractions
from my children and my day.

I am their first example, I am their first teacher.
Let me embrace that responsibility
and do the best that I can.

Romance

I wanted to share something I found very sweet. With Valentines Day coming up, a women's group nearby had arranged a "man panel" and I had the opportunity of listening in. The mediator went over a few questions and closed with a question asking the men what they think romance, or a romantic evening is. One of the panel members, whom I admired for his ease in expressing himself, said, "I may get in trouble for this but my view of romance is not the typical view - Romance to me is walking, holding hands... with my child between us. A child is the ultimate expression of romance and it is very special to be hand in hand with my child and my wife on her other side". I thought this was ridiculously sweet. In fact, for me a very special time with my husband is time we share together with our children. So much of life is taken up by routines and formalities - driving, eating, bathing, cleaning, cooking, shopping.... that to have time with my dear family, together, unstructured, just enjoying each other is ultimately special and actually romantic.

This man who said this was a lawyer, and good lawyers are inherently well spoken. But he seemed to be able to brush aside all the things that cloud us from the clarity in our mind and was then able to verbalize it. Often, people don't know what they are really, really thinking because they clutter up their thoughts with so many other distractions - pre-conceived notions, ulterior motives, hidden agendas, maintaining an image, protecting someone, etc. that we rarely say what we mean. It takes confidence, honesty and insightfulness to get to that point and I'd like to think I am getting there, and would love to continue to get as close to that as I am comfortable doing.
I believe you must be confident in what you believe and stand behind all that you do to be able to speak in this earnest way- if you don't believe in yourself, no on will believe you; and if you do believe in yourself, others will more likely gravitate to your view.

The old and the young

I have done a lot of work in Long Term Care with the elderly and many Alzheimer's patients and it is amazing how similar the elderly are to children. The elderly in particular that I am thinking of are those in various stages of dementia. Some of the similarities are comical, and some very sweet. I can readily compare the mind of elderly afflicted with dementia with the minds of children. If you do not delve into the person, you superficially see that there is a person, young or old, who does not fully understand, express what they feel or know what is going on around them. But if you give time to these people, you find there is so much inside. I have seen men wander without regard- whether down the hall or into the street, speak gibberish, kiss ladies they don't know and fall asleep in arm chairs, lunch rooms, or any one's bed. I have had many conversations with patients on the Alzheimer's unit where I worked that if they were written down into a dialog, you would probably guess that I was speaking with a toddler. Not to mention, they have lost control of their bowels and bladder, they need assistance eating, brushing teeth, changing cloths, bathing and sometimes walking about.

Sometimes my daughter collects things from around the house and puts them into trunks, cabinets, bags, purses or boxes which makes me laugh when I eventually find them. One lady on the Unit would take all the picture frames from other people's rooms and take them to her room and hide them in her drawers.
You begin to see a child's personality come through as they get older. Similarly, in the older adult you see parts of the personality that you already knew very well hang on as the older person's dementia worsens. One sweet woman didn't know her name, didn't know where her room was, forgot when she had eaten just as she stood up from the table, but part of her personality from her younger years was very apparent -she was always meticulous about cleaning and maintaining orderliness. If you looked in her room and her drawers, her cloths were all perfectly folded, down to her undergarments and socks, and her bed was perfectly made without a wrinkle everyday, by her. Both children and the demented elderly have pieces of their personality there, but not the whole picture.
There are so many stories I can think of - one more is another woman also with dementia who carried around a baby doll in her arms, which is not uncommon. My daughter loves baby dolls! - she feels like she is a little mama who can both imitate different things I do and nurture a little one herself. I remember, however, the daughter of this woman was very upset to see her mom with the baby doll because she remembered her mother growing up as being very cold and not very "touchy - feely" but now she has found comfort in being affectionate to a doll.

For me, it is infinitely interesting and rewarding to observe and interact with the elderly, especially those afflicted with Alzheimer's and Dementia. It is such an awful disease, especially for the family members and probably the patient in the early stages. But these people should never be disregarded and I give them the same time of day as other patients of sound mind. They are very special and almost return to innocence. I have heard that it is the child in all of us that is appealing - Many times in the elderly, this child takes a leading roll making them magical, simple and uniquely individual. Just like a child, they often have an imagination- they believe in it and it is OK for us to join them, just like we do with our kids.

Dietary Advice

Because I am a registered dietitian, I will give a nugget of dietary advice. When I was in school I learned that High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) has likely contributed to the rise in obesity in this country because it does not signal hormones in the body that help to tell you it is satisfied such as insulin, leptin and ghrelin. But now, more recent research has shown that HFCS does not significantly differ from other sweeteners such as table sugar in its effects on these hormones. (Many these studies promoting HFCS were funded by corn refiners and the American Beverage Institute). So I am personally undecided about HFCS, but professionally, I would advice to limit consumption of any added sugar without discrimination.
Because this is my blog, I can speak freely. Personally, I have a tendency to believe that when things are done to save time or money, most times something must be sacrificed. Manufacturers began to use HFCS because corn in the US is cheaper to use than sugar, which is mostly imported therefore incurring high tariffs. Additionally, there are subsidies for corn farmers/refiners and the final product, a liquid, is easier to transport. A large amount of processing goes into making HFCS with an end result that is very, very shelf stable. Therefore, it is cheaper for manufacturers to sweeten their products and they will last longer after production - sounds profit driven to me. It seems to me that the farther you get away from the natural product the less nutritious it is in many ways. As for HFCS, it is mechanically produced with a high level of processing using at least one genetically modified enzyme. It enhances fruit and spice flavors, gives a soft and chewy texture to foods such as breakfast bars and it tastes great!
My nugget of advice is to avoid HFCS. Not because I believe it will contribute to obesity, and not because other harmful speculations about it. The manufacturer that produced the products that contain HFCS generally have an interest in taking steps to save money and time, which in my mind means sacrifice. So, the products with HFCS can usually be substituted for a healthier more natural version of that product, OR will do you better to just be avoided all together. I am not pointing my finger at poor little manufacturers-pride-and-joy HFCS, I am saying that products that contain HFCS are not usually the best choice. But because often the general public has a hard time deciphering what is healthy and what is not - a simple guideline is to read the ingredient list and avoid products with HFCS.

For example:
Juice - eat fruit and drink water
Nutri-grain bar - eat a Kashi bar, Trader Joe's, other natural food brands
Jarred tomato sauce - make your own, it tastes so much better

Now, I am the first one to admit that being healthy is not 1. easier nor 2. cheaper. Usually is is just that - harder, more inconvenient, more expensive and for most people, less palatable. Why? because manufactured ingredients and additives enhance flavor and mouthfeel and lead to a more desirable product. Being healthy is a decision to make in your own mind - it will not initially make itself for most people, meaning the food wont convince you to eat it instantly, whereas McDonald's and Krispy Kream keeps you coming back - and you wonder why...
Additionally, things that taste good, sweet and have that desirable smooth mouthfeel seem to be addictive - they make you want to eat more of it now, and then think of it later so you will eat it again and again. So by eating the alternative to the farther-from-natural product you may consume less calories because it may not entice cravings. So if you don't like all this complicated talk, I'll say... eat less often the stuff that tastes too good. (I must remind you that ALL foods fit in a healthy diet. I enjoy myself some high-fructose, trans-bonded, smooth, minimal-cocoa-containing yummy treats - just enjoy them less frequently than the the more nutrient dense choices).

Fate and Faith

I used to believe that everything happens for a reason, and I had a lot of faith in life and chance. I still do, but to an extent - I used to believe that everything happens for a reason until my husband got cancer, I don't know the reason for that. However, my faith in life does remain and I believe sometimes you are driven or inclined to do things for a reason.
At the church group I joined I learned of another woman who is in the same unfortunately unique situation that I am. In the world of blood cancers, some patients may require a bone marrow or stem cell transplant by harvesting their own cells, blasting them with chemo and putting the hopefully-cancer-free cells back in. If this fails, the patient may then need to have a transplant again but with a donor's cells. I met a woman who's husband just had his second transplant which is what my husband will require now. She is in the place that we will be in a few months... and I have so many questions.
When the director told me about this women, I stared at her in disbelief. I joined this group with a feeling that maybe this is a place where I will find a comfort and support, and I think I may in several ways.
I think to find people in similar situation as you can be very comforting after you realize you are not alone, however, it can be very worrisome as well. What if that person did not fare as well as you will end up and they give you undue fear, or vice versa? If both patients fare well, you may be the best of friends. If one does not, you will mourn for what could have been for you. Yet, you can be a tremendous support because you are still not alone...and may still be the best of friends.

Joining groups for your kids

I joined a church parent support group in which you bring your kids to the group meetings and there are volunteers there that help entertain the kids and do projects with them while the parents/caregivers discuss topics related to parenting. This is exactly the type of group I was looking for - one which 1. you can bring your kids, 2. you can engage in discussion with other parents/adults and not just watch kids together, and 3. stimulate my mind with moderated topics that may benefit me as a person and/or parent. I looked into churches for some activities for my kids because I thought the people in the church would be nicer and more family centered. Some other groups I have been apart of with my kids have been a bit less substantial, I'll say. For example, meeting at a small coffee shop so you can gab with other moms while your kids sit by and get bored. Those types of "play dates" work if you have a very tame and peaceful newborn who sits in their car seat for long periods of time.
Also, I spent some time in the south in Tennessee and I found that, at least from my experience, the people I met were more family/community/church oriented and up north the people are a bit more selfish, over-involved in work, more day-care, etc. Of course I live near New York City which is the financial capital of the world and lends itself to a large population with the do more, get more mentality. I am making a grand generalization here and I know there are all types of people everywhere. So, knowing the family-oriented people are here too, I decided I didn't find many of them because I must not be looking in the right places. Additionally, before I had children, I rose in my career and was very focused in that respect also. So I suppose I am now trying to flock with some other birds now that I am a mother. I enjoyed the interactions in the church group for both myself and my kids, but I can say it does take a while to find your niche in this parenting game and by the time you do, your kid is probably at the next level of the game and the comfort level you finally discovered doesn't matter anymore!

Privacy and Paranoia

My husband and I are private people so I have changed our names in this blog. However, I am undecided about this privacy thing. Having children increases your awareness to so many other risks and fears in the world, and this is largely attributed to the media coverage of abductions, abuses and other horrible crimes against children. Those people didn't expect it to happen to their children and they didn't deserve it either, so it too could have been me. Then, if a parent could do anything to assure that these things wont happen to their child they probably will; even though there is little foreseeable risk, it does happen and you just don't want it to be you. However, I understand that the incidence of child abductions has remained steady or decreased over the years - just reporting has increased. So, years ago when kids were able to and encouraged to go play outside and around their neighborhood the perceived risk was lower and the actual risk was higher than today! Many of us, my husband and I included have had things happen to us that forces us to lose our trust in people, especially when it comes to our kids. Are we suppose to hold onto that fear and extend it to the majority of the population, or are we suppose to let it go assuming the majority of people are good? In the end, I think we give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to our own welfare, but not for our kids. Maybe we'll have to find trust in a few certain situations and places in our life for example, one particular park, the school grounds, or church functions to allow our child the free spirited growth they should have.

Missing it

When my first daughter was born she had colic for many months and I was a new, unexpecting parent. This time was difficult and involved more of "getting through it" than savoring it. When we were expecting our second baby, I said to myself that I would savor it more. The precious tiny baby bodies grow so quickly that the memory of holding an infant that so readily falls asleep on your chest is fleeting. I decided that I would savor these times and embrace the little developmental advancements without the stress of the uncertainty of a new parent and the concurrent life changes that go along with it. Yet, I didn't realize that having two children makes it more difficult to savor any one thing. And, ironically of course, my son grew far quicker than my girl did and I missed it again.

The begining of defiance

I don't understand why kids need persuasion to cooperate with what their suppose to do. My daughter is at the age which I can't just tell her to go wash her hands and she'll do it. Up until now, she did! For her it is fun to disagree with my request, and it is part of her development to be able to make up her own mind. It is inherently difficult because she wants to be independent but she doesn't know what is best for her yet. It leads parents to either bribe or scold the child. For now, I tell her calmly and firmly, "mommy is not playing, please do ______ now". If she still doesn't, or runs away which is very fun, I tell her "you have a choice, either do__________ or go to the corner". Then she comes out of the corner when she is ready to do _________. This works, it is just frustrating that many requests in a day have to be negotiated and create tension. But, the tension is mine only because my daughter seems infinitely resilient and is the unfazed by confrontation. So this brings me back to my belief that parenting is all about the parent. We get a lot thrown at us and the need to deal with it properly rather than thinking what is being thrown will be thrown gently or quietly placed in front of us. It seems to me that the "throwing" will never end. A key to dealing with this calmly is to not take it personally. I must continually remind myself that she is not defying me, she is developing appropriately...at least I am trying to convince myself of that.

Friends

I never was that good at making treasured friends, although I always had plenty of friends. The friends I had were often friends of convenience or circumstance, those whom I may have spent a lot of time with but never made a substantial friendship out of. I think this is because I am always hesitant to open up about myself and if you don't give anything to a friendship it will die. I jokingly said to my husband that you have to talk about yourself to make friends. Unfortunately, I don't really like to do that. I write with much more ease than I speak and I can put feelings down on paper readily but cringe when I have to say them aloud. Either way, I have pulled through these 27 years of my life with a handful of wonderful friends, only two of which are old friends. Because I have more new friends (made in the last 5 years) this tells me that I have probably matured a bit and found more of myself. I know myself better and I like who I am better and therefore I am comfortable and confident to display that person. I treasure these friends almost to the point that I am overwhelmed with how nice it is to have friends. I am a person who is very comfortable being alone, but I have become more comfortable with more people which makes life a happy place. Yet, because it doesn't come naturally to me to talk about myself and my life, I have to remind myself to do so...maybe this blog is perfect for me!- I love writing!

Balanced mom

I was contacted yesterday to see if I am available to come into work while another dietitian is out on medical leave. I was initially excited because I like what I do and I like to earn my own money. But with children, it is not that easy to just say yes and hop in to work.
Right now, I do not have balance between my life as a parent and my own identity otherwise. I am overwhelmed with my current situation, and although it is beneficial to be away from your kids, sometimes as crazy as it may seem, when you are overwhelmed it is harder to leave what is causing you that stress.
In terms of the day-to-day activities, I do everything for my children. Honestly, I do not want to become comfortable having a lot of help because if one day that help is not available, I fear I will be ill-equipped to handle the situation. Plus, I truly believe that my kids are my responsibility and I don't believe I should delegate the activities necessary to their life if I don't have to. For instance, I believe they should sleep in our home - they are my children and they belong in their own bed at home. I do not criticize what other moms do because everyone's life situation is different and their ability to handle that life differs from person to person. Not to mention, raising children is hard. I know it because I have them, and for that knowledge, I do not judge.
However, many times I believe other moms are much better off leaving a child with a family member for a day, putting them in school or day care, hiring a nanny, or getting a break otherwise. These moms have sanity. It seems moms with multiple children rarely do everything without help - and that is not a fault it is for survival and sanity and for patience-restoration. I told my husband jokingly, "This is parenting," pointing at myself, "this is what being a parent is all about - carrying on through the day, with mess in your wake, becoming more and more annoyed as the day progresses until you nearly want to kill them just before you put them to bed as early as the possibility for tomorrow morning's painlessness will allow!" I was kidding, but this is reality. It is difficult to keep children happy at their various ages, keep them safe, clean and fed, while always remembering not lower your standards realizing actions in the present correspond to learned behavior in the future. This is the hardest job I've had and the most important job I've had. I am not perfect but I care immensely about my children and I go to bed having done the best job I can, while asking for the patience and energy to do it again and to improve my shortcomings.

Introductory Thoughts

I don't know what I would be or where I would be had I not made the choices I did or fell in love with the man I did, but the path I have led will continually bring me closer to who I am. I find myself 27 years old with two kids, two houses, no job and a husband.
In the past year, I moved across the country twice had another baby and watched my husband battle with chemotherapy. If I were a newspaper, my front page would be headlined by the topic of cancer, closely followed by parenting. Back in section D, page 12 is the me that I knew about 3 years ago. This is not something I am upset or resentful about, it is just a fact of my life. However, the education as a dietitian and Master's that I received can never be taken from me and are never lost. Therefore, I may revisit them and my other various talents when time and life permits.
Oprah said something that could be summarized to say that going through hardship and tragedy helps you to find yourself, your spirituality, and grow as a person. I agree with this in general and of myself because as you are faced with hardship you must reach within yourself for your coping mechanisms, humility and true compassion - you never want someone else to experience what has pained you. On the road to these things, you will no doubt bump into pain, anger and feelings of unfairness and stress. But I repeat in my head the thoughts of F.Scott Peck when he said that bad things happen and it is almost normal for them to happen. It is not that you are unlucky if they do, but that you are lucky if they don't.
I plan to blog about our life thus far and that going forward. I write with far more ease than I speak so this is a well-suited outlet for me.
Thank you for your attention this this site. Please note that this blog site is organized chronologicly so go to the Archive section to your right to view my posts from the oldest going forward.