Thursday, August 12, 2010

I'm Sorry

So I have mentioned my dear friend Astoria. As is customary for me, I disclose nearly everything to her, and she claims to have told me more than anyone as well. In a recent chit chat we were having I told her that she is not very accessible. I have tried to call her at home and she never picks up the phone. I have no cell phone for her, no email address and no invitation for anything ever outside of work. I envisioned her as being very busy with family and maybe in an unhappy place and I don't want to impose upon anyone what they may not be in the mood for. I also have a history of being poor at this friendship stuff and not giving enough of me into a friendship. So maybe this distance is easy for me. But I did tell her that she is not very available and she told me that she was scared to get too close to me because she fears I will be leaving this job or moving. She said she loves me dearly but doesn't want to become too attached to me. I feel a bit offended that she is refraining from befriending me completely because of the possibility that I may go somewhere. Does that mean she'll drop me if I move and never call? To that she said she doesn't do long distance relationships well. What about 'it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all'. She doesn't believe that? Either way she acknowledged her behavior. My problem is that when I tell people stuff it means I gave a piece of myself to someone. So Astoria is taking all my pieces and has no intention of keeping a connection with its bearer. She will never mistreat my pieces but I want to be a good friend to her as well and I don't know that I am. Maybe for her it is just easier not to invest so much into a friendship or relationship. We are scared, fractured people and I would tend to think that with all I know about her, there is more to it than that.
I watched Love Story last nite with Tom - the movie with the famous line "Love means never having to say your sorry". When I first heard this line I thought it was quite phenomenal, but I was young. And I was too young to know what love was all about. I remember an English class in Jr High School or High School where the teacher was asking about what love is. (Why she wold be asking that to a bunch of young kids, I don't know) But I thought I was quite astute and raised my hand to say that "love means never having to say your sorry". The teacher laughed at me while quickly dismissing the possibility that anyone would be led to believe that I came up with that myself announcing that it is from a movie. She said that was not realistic to say that people who love one another don't ever have to say they are sorry. OK. So I get that. And when I watched Love Story last nite, my impression was that it seemed kind of corny. When I think about my relationships, I would not necessarily dismiss an "I'm sorry" by an assumption or deep assured knowledge that they are, of course sorry. I think I would like to hear a 'sorry', and I think we should all be saying more 'sorrys' than we do!
But when I think about Astoria, and how she puts a wall up in terms of our friendship, I do know she is sorry, and she never, ever has to say it. When I think of this situation, I understand completely how love means never having to say she's sorry. With others, its nice to know they feel some remorse for being stupid and this can be felt when someone says sorry. But Astoria doesn't need to feel remorse for something I understand, despite it being stupid.
So I don't know what this difference means, I know all relationships are different - friend, spouse, family, children... and they all require different management methods depending upon what they are based on for you. Maybe it's our own issues or expectations we are putting into these relationships and if we had no baggage or expectations, we would never need to hear 'I'm sorry'.

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