Words and Therapy

Gabby's teacher gave each child in the class a cute stuffed doll - girls got Mary and boys got a Shepard. The doll was very simple and sweet and came in a box that explained how and why it was made, and how Mary loves you and listens to you.


When Gabby and I got home, I cut Mary out of her box so she could hold her. She hugged her and talked baby talk to her (which is so annoying for me...but beside the point) and their budding relationship was going well.

(Mary, in general, has a significance because she is a symbol of sacrifice - a young girl who was told to end whatever young girl dreams she had to be a mother (without even getting a few orgasms out of it...but that's besides the point) and be a blessed, holy mother and step into some sandals with high-standards).

So once Gabby's brother wakes up, the theoretical stimuli of the house rages. And with the heightened antics comes the downfall of Gabby's new relationship. Mary is getting flung around and is used to whack her brother in the head over and over. My first impulse is the usual explanation of why this is not nice to hit her brother and to stop doing it. Then, with the recollection of the previous day's counseling by her teacher of why she can't wear her new rosary beads as a necklace, I decided a confiscation of Mary was warranted along with an explanation about respect. I know why rosary beads should not be worn as flare "like the rap stars" as the teacher said, and I know why blessed virgin replicas should not be used to instigate an "I have successfully gotten under your skin" reaction from as many family members as possible. But the task for me is how to relay that to an almost 5 year old.

My explanation did nothing after the incident. I don’t think she was ready to absorb any reasoning. It's like they are an emotional sponge that is saturated with anguish from losing their plaything (and power as it may be in this situation) and no other words of justification are able to sink into that sponge.

So the next morning on the way to school, she brings up Mary and I take that opportunity to discuss the issue. I ask her to remind us both why I took sweet and soft Mary from her. She tells me because of respect and then asks me what respect means because she doesn't know that word. So I go on to explain to her what you do when you have respect for something because I don't know exactly how to define the word. I tried to lower my comprehension because I tend to speak as if my audience is much older than 4. After I am done, Gabby is quiet for a few seconds and says, "Mama, all I remember from what you just said is "treat her". That’s all I remember".

I laughed. I laughed and further realized that I have no idea how to talk to a toddler. And I further realized how much breath and effort I have probably wasted speaking about concepts that are too mature for kids.

I am a person of words and expression. I love words and language because it can be so chosen, and so expressed to relay what you feel. Feelings are so unique and inexplicable that to come close to putting them into words so that others can know closely what you are feeling is an amazing thing to me and a priceless skill. I love words, and I love thinking and I love understanding and I love explaining and I love writing. For me, whenever I am able to understand what another is feeling from an experience that I may or may not have had, I feel one bit more enlightened. But my kids are not old enough to understand all this and even if they were, this type of strategy may not be as effective for them anyway. For example, I tend to respond to an issue with an explanation that would cover any possible issues that may stem from the central issue at hand. To really bring it home and cover my bases. But I now think I should answer only the question at hand and let my kids ask the subsequent questions as they come to them. Because at least for Gabby, she would be much more absorbent and receptive if she was getting information because she wanted it, rather than getting information that someone else thinks is important. (Yes, she is very stubborn).

I retold this humorous story of Gabriella and Mary to Thomas and recanted my useless conversation. I told him that I understood where she was coming from and I equated it to my experience with other languages, namely Spanish and Italian. I took a few years of Spanish in school and I can communicate simple things in Spanish. So I told Tom that when his family speaks in Spanish or when I overhear other conversations in Spanish or Italian, I have best intentions and attention to follow along. But there seems to be a brain delay and I follow about 5 words in and get stuck on a word. The word needs to enter my brain, get put in a line up to be matched with the various possible English words that it could translate to. Once I have chosen my best guess from digging back in my brain to high school when I learned these things, I take this newly translated word, put it at the tail of the 5 words I am sure of and I am now 6 words in and ready to roll with renewed attention. The problem is, when I left the conversation talking about fish and rice, I am now hearing words about mowing the grass and rocks. Those 30 seconds of conversation has sailed off without me while my brain stumbled over one word. So Gabby is the same - she listened to me and her brain got stuck on the words "treat her" and she was done. She probably went off in a mental day dream-like tangent over these words and paid absolutely no attention to the rest. I actually appreciate her very much for telling me that because it really turned a light on for me.

So I guess, me and my brain decided that we will forgo a proper explanation and give a trivial explanation, which to me isn’t an explanation at all, to retort to these issues of flinging Mary's and rockin' rosaries. I will tell her we should not hit our brother with toys. And we should be extra nice to Mary because she is a very special doll. That's it.

Children are like little walking therapists. When they say the right things, they can teach us by helping us figuring stuff out on our own. Gabby and I just had a break through :)

Oprah

So one day my husband said "What is this with Oprah? What is so great about Oprah?" At which point I was stricken speechless. I am a self admitted Oprah lover, and it's one of those things that I can barely explain to do justice to the Oprah effect for me. Not only do I love Oprah herself, I love what she makes of, and inspires in me. Oprah extracts emotions out of this pretty blandly emotional girl - one without big high joyful expression and without low, sad moments. Oprah makes me cry, laugh, and learn. I don't think there is any show like it. (As far as a show that matches and often far exceeds the crying is Extreme Home Makeover. My gosh, any malfunctioning tear duct will rise from the dead after one episode of that show).
Her empire and creation is enriching and it helps to remind me of my potential and my purpose, and in all, makes me a better person. And when some sentiment is so universal and so grand, you have to know that there is something to it. When Oprah shows a product on her show and the company's website crashes for days, when she names what she has for breakfast and the sales of Red Mill Steel Oats skyrocket, her book club increased the number of avid readers in this country and can alter best seller lists and has been known to increase book sales fivefold! - on and on the examples can go. If there are that many people in the Oprah effect, there is certainly something to it. And I am one of them! And if you have a a bit of introspection, a bit of faith, a bit of humility, a bit of strength and a bit of weakness, you will love her too.

She often explains that she uses the show as a platform to teach and she sees a greater purpose to her access to the public and her platform - and that must be the root of this Oprah effect. She does what is right in her eyes and her personal integrity has risen her up. And what greater inspiration is her story in itself? That by doing the right thing, morally checking your actions each step of the way and by using power and wealth for positive things, you will prevail! What Oprah brings to people, and what Oprah IS is an inspiration for life.
Alright, now that I got that out, that is enough about Oprah. I know it is annoying to read the praises of someone else when you don't feel the exact same way. I guess in general, an opinion can be annoying if you don't get it. So I hope anyone reading this either gets it a little bit, or is inspired to get it - and I'll shut up!

Who knew a container and a label maker could be so theraputic?

In a recent issue of Oprah magazine (did I mention I love her?) there was a big feature on decluttering and organizing. I loved it! After I returned from spending a month in a new and empty house, coming back to our house was a bit menacing. My husband and I used to debate about what the problem was and I would say that we have too much stuff and he would say that our stuff is not organized. Now, I think we do have too much stuff, but he was more right and the organization is the bigger problem. So one junk drawer by one, one "just throw it in there" closet to the next, I have been organizing like a certifiable wack-o. And I love it! I want to believe that there is a place for everything, not only thinking: it goes there if it doesn't fall out, or if the drawer still shuts.
The Oprah article mentions that women organize and shop when they are stressed - that until about 10 years ago, research had only been done on the stress response in men- When women were finally studied, they found that women release testoserone and adrenaline, like men do, but additionally, we release higher levels of other hormones like oxytocin- that maternal hormone is what leads us to behaviors like nesting, eating and shopping. Quoting from this O Magazine article,
"Men's stress response says "Fight or flee!" Ours says "Fight or flee—and make sure everyone has a nice warm sweater!"
So we shop, eat and clean, and is often the case in pre-motherhood, these hormones make us nest. So I have been nesting and organizing and I am not pregnant, but I acknowledge that it could be related to this hormone mix symptomatic of my stress. (Cool, isn't it?) And pat me on the back for picking up such a destructive habit as organizing when I'm overwhelmed :)
It is not only the act that is fulfilling, it is the result and the feeling the result gives me. It is a well-roundedly rewarding experience to clean out and organize, I recommend it before drinking a few one evening, or taking a warm bath, or eating a carb loaded meal, followed by mouth-smacking chocolate. Like cleaning, these types of robotic, mundane tasks allow the mind to wander while maintaining the small amount of brain power that is needed to complete the task.
We, like everyone else, had a junk drawer, we actually had four of them. Now, when I open up my formerly-known-as-junk-drawers I smile and watch things slide around, like a toddler in the bath tub, so much joyous wiggle room for these proud objects who made the cut and are left in my drawer. Now, after several trips to Target and Walmart for more containers, and several hits of the print button on my label maker, this house smiles at me when I open up the doors and drawers of scary places. So, Oprah, like she always does, gave me inspiration and since February, I have conquered a gorgeous chunk of space in this house and satisfied my hormonal cravings. Amidst stress and a life I cannot control, I can fix something, I can do something, and I can give myself peace.

My Parts at 30

So life did not end today. I am 30 years old, and my boobs sag only moderately as they did at 29. And my ass can be squeezed just as questionably into my jeans as they did yesterday. So, of course, when you differentiate around the cusp of your personal decade change, there appears to be no difference. But there is a whole decade of the thirties to get through, a decade of metabolism to drop. I guess I am living my role as a 30 year old - married, family started, its about time I gave up that "I'm in my 20s" label. Maybe this psychological wrinkling is related to the angry owl in our biological clocks. Afterall, today marks the day that I have supposedly lost 90% of my fresh eggs. The chicken's are hitting the road, ditching me for a younger model. Even still, a huge part of the population does just fine with those 10% of eggs, it seems to be near normal to start rockin' the hen house with only 10%. Hey, its better than messing around with the 300,000 you have at the beginning of puberty. (Yes, I just looked that number up)
So me and my ass, boobs, and eggs will drink up this day. I am thirty, I am the same as I was yesterday, and miles different from when I was twenty. And I don't mind at all!

I have been Crowned!

I have a dentist who speaks as if she is reading a night time story to a pre-schooler - it is a calm, soothing, voice full of complete, seemingly scripted explanations of her work, laced with mild facial expressions and full eye contact. After a gentle, motherly explanation of the how to make a crown and what to expect, she asked me to put my head back and began by calmly saying, "I am going to prepare your crown now", and I felt as if I should have been in a jewelry store getting my tiara altered rather than in a dentist office. Undoubtedly she has crowned many a women but she actually made it seem like she was doing me a privilege and a socially envious procedure.
I hate going to the dentist and I hate Novocain but her voice seemed convinced that this was both well practiced, a bit exclusive, and freakishly nurturing. I was perplexed and taken back at how I was effected by her voice, words and demeanor, especially comparing her to many other dentists I have had digging and drilling in my mouth. Maybe in another life she'll be a social worker...
I know no one here reading this cares, but I am going to continue on in my fascination slash praise of this dental calming artist. She stayed in the room the whole time,and was very polite to her hygienist (who, I will add does not do your cleaning when you go once or twice a year - this dentist does that preventative, insurance covered service from start to finish!) She spent her free time filing down the temporary crown, smoothing it, and probably inaudibly comforting it and preparing it for its journey in my mouth for the next couple weeks.
This dentist is such a wonderful example of a way to be a health care professional especially in a time where they are few and far between. Kudos to her!!

The Old Lady's Hangover

So I ate Asian food and went to bed late last nite and now I feel hung over. I am tired, my eyes are dry, I feel dehydrated, and because I was wearing high, uncomfortable heels, I feel like a small truck ran me over. My gosh, I am not twenty anymore. In fact I am almost 30. My friend who swam the rough water of her 30th birthday a month ago told me, "That's OK -30 is the new 40!" To which I reassured her - "No it's not. 30 is 30 and it means your not in your 20s anymore". And there is no smoothing that over. Grey hairs come out, wrinkles form, my boobs sag (or is that because of nursing), I can't go out at night without having to pick at blisters, put hydrating drops in my eyes and self medicate with coffee, water and Tylenol. And, despite feeling similar to the after effect of a night out from when I was in those fond earlier years, I did not drink a drop of alcohol, but feel similarly hung over. Yup, I'm just about 30. All I need is to enjoy the new reduced rate of metabolism and not be able to tolerate fun spicy foods or staying up past 10pm and I am officially done. Still, though I had a night out like a true middle aged mother with my darling husband, I looked cute doing it! (as painful as it may or may not have been)...because I am still not wearing mom jeans and cutting my hair boy short, so I guess I can pull it off...for now!

My Fig Tree

Here is a quote from Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar:

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as i sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet".

I love it because it is sad and tantalizing and ambitious and distraught... and I can empathize! Since I started working as a dietitian, I vacillate between what else to be - I since have gotten a Masters, a Board Certification to specialize and have sought and reached  a management level position. This all tells me I am looking for a more fulfilling role within my profession. But if given the opportunity, I toil with changing the profession all together - I'll go to Medical school- Neurology, I decided. No, that takes too long, too demanding, too family sacrifices... I'll go to PA school, about two years, function like a doctor, improved income....No, I don't want to go back to school just to feel like someone's bitch, someone's assistant.... I'll be a pharmacist! That is what I started out aiming to do out of High School - I worked in pharmacies, I applied and got in to several pharmacy programs. But, no, gosh it's boring the work you actually do as a pharmacist - pill counting, retail, measuring- and it will take like 5 years of classes with uncertain stimulation value. I'll be a Psychologist, I love the mind, I do enjoy counseling, which I do as an RD, I can work part time at my will, and make better money...But can't I do the same thing if I just get a Masters in Social Work?? With that interesting 2 year degree I can be reimbursed for counseling and spin the angle of nutrition with eating disorder clients, adjustment to new disease diagnosis, (such as those nutrition related) as well as a mix of other issues that I enjoy talking about :) But what do I enjoy possibly the most of all? Writing. Should I write a book? Should I attempt to publish my poetry? Should I combine writing and nutrition and write a nutrition related book?? A cooking book with my own healthy twists on recipes, since that is a hobby of mine?? (more fig branches) But, with writing, there are so many writers out there already, my niche could quite possibly be saturated. And it feels very invasive and vulnerable to display my poetry to anyone and everyone - it's like letting thousands of complete strangers into your personal world and thoughts. I can't even write a cyber blog without disguising my names and locations!
The other paramount fig branch, which I do snack upon now while looking at the others, is being a mother. The job with no degree required, no qualifications whatsoever. The job with a reward that is internal and gratifying while equally discouraging, overwhelming and trying. It is the most difficult and purposeful job I have ever done. When you are given advice on choosing a career, you are told to take on a job that you find purpose in, a job that you love, a job that gives you a sense of accomplishment and worth. In this job, my clients take me as I am, I don't have to wear a suit, I don't have to wear make up. No one has made a comment if I wore my pj's all day and didn't brush my teeth until mid morning. My clients don't complain if I give them the same presentation two days in a row and they applaud with praise if I simply give them the genuine gift of my presence. My clients are loyal to my business, whether I fail or prevail - they will stick by me and do it with unbending love and appreciation - just because I am their boss. There is no politics. There is no merit increase, or withholding of an annual raise. There is a lunch buddy, a movie partner, a playmate, a stimulating learning environment for boss and client, there is a challenge, and there is job security.
I guess the adjustment to motherhood is protracted and when they get to an age where you can breathe again, your mind searches for a bit of that selfish craziness. And not to leave out the wonderful husband I have who listens to ALL my ramblings, supports my curiosity and praises my talents like no other person could do.

So here I sit in the fig tree with lots of branches that I could reach if I wanted to, but unlike Sylvia Plath I do partake in the sweetest figs in front of me that I snack on. I will most likely continue to let the other figs shrivel up and google new figs and make spreadsheets if I so fancy. But I actually have all that I want- I have a job that I do on a daily basis that I feel more passionately about than anything else, I have degrees and qualifications in a field that I actually do love, preach and practice - these tools can find me the counseling job that could balance me out and fulfill me, I have a business partner that is infinitely supportive, knowledgeable, committed, and I have my wonderful friend in these words, in this anonymous blog - more for my benefit than anyone elses, I bet - that just revealed right in front of me now where on that fig tree I should be.

Love your Job

So I watch the Food Network a lot and Gabby asked me one day which one was my favorite girl. After telling her I liked a lot of them, I told her I really liked Anne Burrell. She gets very excited about her food and is captivating and educational. She is the chef of a couple restaurants in NYC and hosts "Secrets of a Restaurant Chef" on the Food Network.
Anne Burrell loves what she does. And as I have been known to do, I turned this innocent question by my daughter into a philosophical discussion with a moral lesson. As we watched the spunky, animated chef smile and dance around the vegetables and compliment her meats, I told Gabby that this is how she should feel about the job she chooses to pursue when she grows up. That when she goes to work, she should enjoy what she does, or at least the basis of what she does (politics and other factors will always exist). That it should make her feel good about her self, it should keep her bright and enthusiastic to go to work every day.
We are all different people with different characteristics and personalities and it would be my hope for my children to find a niche, to meet their potential and be truly satisfied in the career they choose. To this I pray...

Dishes and Dishwashers

I know this sounds very Seinfeld-esq but I am going to write about my thoughts on the dishwasher and how I find it interesting how every person can load the same dishwasher differently. If you  are confronted with a new or unfamiliar dishwasher, it looks so strangely foreign at first. You are used to looking at the pegs and baskets of your own. And along with the familiarity of the layout of these pegs and baskets, you know all your dishes and how they fit best, or how it makes the most sense for you to load it. If someone else loads your dishwasher differently than you, which they will, it feels very wrong! Like a banana in the freezer or a milk carton in the oven. It's YOUR dishwasher and YOUR dishes and another person is sticking YOUR things inside of YOUR cavity and they are not doing the way you do (no pun intended :). I cant be the only one who feels this way.
So in Louisiana I was confronted with a new and strange dishwasher. Bigger baskets, different pegs, different cycle lengths - we had to become acquainted with each other. And after a few dates, we were familiar. And soon, it happened again - I became a possessive and jealous lover. Only I knew how to load this thing most efficiently to properly conserve space and maximize its energy expenditure. I can't say that I like to load my LA dishes better than my NY dishes, because my NY dishes and I have a long history together filled with mistakes and successes. They are perfect for me because they are mine and I know them well. You can't just pick up any old dish set and stick it in any old dishwasher - you learn to be the best at your own and you learn to love them, not because they are the best in the world, not because they match your dishwasher with perfect ergonomics, but because they are yours, through time.

Syliva Plath

So last nite I laid in bed to read the book I am currently in a relationship with and an hour and a half later, I ended up finishing the book. It is not like me to stay up that late, but I kept reading another chapter as if it was just one more pita chip, until before I knew it, the whole bag was gone. I read Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, and I knew it was somewhat autobiographical so I continued on in the end of the book to read the "About the Author" section. Culminating this informative bunch of pages was the inclusion that she had killed herself, at the age of 31, on February 11, 1963. I though how unfortunate that was and she must have been tortured, much like the main character in the book. Then I thought, wow, the day of her death is really close to today...is today the 11th? Lo and behold, I read an inordinately large chunk of her book to finish it coincidentally on the very day she died.
I have always been intrigued by books about lunatics and the varieties of mental disability, and I have read quite a few of them. I think that many see life and interact with life in a different way from perfectly sane people, and it is a very interesting perspective. At one point, as she was descending into her breakdown the character hears the phone ring and in an almost cursed, unenthusiastic manner she describes the phone as such:
 "The black instrument on the hall table trilled its hysterical note over and over, like a nervous bird."

I like the way damaged people see the world and maybe without the affliction of the mental disease, sane folks just don't notice the impact of each piece of life. The phone rings, I pick it up. And 95% of the time, I am not disappointed to hear it ring and unsuspectingly invade my life like that. Though, I must say, that if I have a quiet, reflective moment, I too can see the world like a mild lunatic. I am a poet after all - a convention of words, often unconventional to a spoken thought. A deeper disrobing of life to find the naked truth of feelings that lies beneath.
Or maybe its the talent of the authors who write about the mad and sad who may have a bit of lunatic in them to write it so well.
I like Sylvia Plath.

Our Adequacies

I know this has been brought up a million times but I wonder why us moms can be unkind to each other sometimes. Someone recently made a comment to me about my child that served only to remind me of one of their inadequacies which I was already well aware of. It bothered me because I already know it is an issue and I don't need a friend of mine to make me feel bad by being reminded of it. The problem was that I was feeling a bit sensitive at the time and the comment struck me the wrong way. It isn't as if the advice of this mother is coming from a mother whose children are perfectly adequate in all ways. Why must mother's compare their children with each others' and inadvertently, or purposefully put each other down? It seems to start when the children become toddlers and start gaining usable skills like drinking out of a cup, walking and talking, and then of course potty training. But yet, when the child is an infant, and sits like a lump, you'd think that my lump is equal to your lump and there is no comparison and discussion. But even so, we take our stands on breastfeeding, working or staying home and mess with eachother's heads with these factors in raising our lumps.
I realized when Gabriella was a colicky infant and I was catapulted into motherhood with no training and no clue, that it is hard. And no matter what each mother deals with - a difficult baby, a sick baby, a difficult family life, poor support system, unfavorable financial situation, working or isolated- whatever the situation is, when you have a child, it is hard. And since I learned this, and many others should have too, shouldn't we all support each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt? I guess because it is so hard that we need to constantly boost ourselves so we feel good about what we are doing. And we shouldn't do this at another's expense. We should give the mother the benefit of the doubt because we don't know what they are going through. And God bless the mother's whose children have special needs, deformities or disabilities. That just adds so much onto the already hard job we have.
My son developed a hemangioma on his forehead days after he was born. This was a small window into the thought process that could result from a deformity like this. A hemangioma can develop into something rather large and defacing as well as impairing. Fortunately, Marco's did not, it stayed long enough for me to realize how fortunate every inch of unscathed flesh is on my children. And it stayed long enough for me to field questions from strangers and friends about it, and maybe spread the awareness  and realization of all of their blessings. People tried to make this scar a positive by telling me it was a kiss from God, or they called it a raspberry. I don't go for that kind of stuff. It's a collection of blood vessels in the skin. God kissed mine and yours and all of theirs, and I don't think He wears lipstick or gives them a hickey. It is what it is and because it arose on the magical forehead on my remarkable child, I loved it. I read about it and I left it alone. And as it was described, it grew until it peaked in size, and before my eyes began to vanish. I guess no mom wants a child who is impaired. Life is easier when you function properly and life is easy when you are beautiful. But there is so much inside that means much more than that. And I am not trying to sound cheesy but after you get up there in age you see a lot of unfortunate things and sad people and if you are strong inside, and content with a life where suffering is inevitable, you are pretty darn adequate. If you can smile through strife, you may as well be the equivalent of a 18 month old walking with their open drinking cup, rockin' big girl panties and talking about your feelings with your big girl words.

The Zenfull Side of the Door

I brought a few books down to Louisiana with me and I have read Room by Emma Donoghue,  Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes, Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali, Incendiary by Chris Cleave and now on to The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. They are all good books. However, the zenfull Mothering book I feel like I rushed through. It seems my only 'zenfull' moments are when I am in bed going off to sleepyland and I may have read parts of it partially sleeping. I have no time to be calm. What a ridiculous contradiction. Actually, without reading this book, the cover itself makes me calm. It is a beautiful baby sleeping on what appears to be a mom's pregnant belly. Though it doesn't make much sense if this is in fact what the shot is because the baby is pretty young. So either this mom is destined for a huge challenge in remaining zenfull with her children less than 18 months apart, or she has some very smooth, stretch-mark-free baby weight and protrusion to lose in her abdomen. The other possibility is this perfect baby fell asleep on another bump of the mom's body... but I can't place which bump that is.
Either way, I am trying to be compassionately, mindfully full of loving kindness :) (Buddhist buzz words for those of you who have not graced your agitated eyes over the soothing text of a Buddhist inspired book).
So this book tells me to feel my anger and give it its time to acknowledge it, then watch it dissipate. Anger is a feeling just like any other which I can experience. The author quoted anohter's thoughts on this anger as such,
If you get angry and upset you can pay attention to what you are feeling in your body, in your stomach, the tightness in your throat, whether your chest feels constricted - you can even acknowledge that there is a lot of anger coming up. It's one thing to describe and acknowledge it and another to act it out. I soon realised that whatever emotion was coming up would dissipate extremely quickly.
by Yvonne Rand  when interviewed in Why Buddhism?

So I have found myself saying this to myself as my children dump their milk over the table, almost pilfer a toy from the Walmart and tell me they have to pee 5 min into a long car ride prefaced by me offering our nice clean homey potty before leaving:.. I feel the anger. As if I could actually feel my blood pressure rising, this is what I imagine it would be like. This is anger, this is anger... and I'll let it pass.
Even as I type this, I feel this frustration. As my daughter comes over to me with her loud, repetitiously musical Leapster asking me to help her get the crown. I say, "wait a minute, I'm in the middle of a sentence". So she puts it down inches from me, so the voice of Aurora and the annoyingly digital music swipes zen from my ears. Then, of course, my son follows suit with his loud Toy Story game that gets placed by the other ear waiting for me appease the cowboy and space ranger....

Five minutes later...
Ok, loud games are off and on the too-high-for-a-kid-to-reach mantle.  Zen did not prevail this time. I guess I should have read the book slower. Irritation rose in me like boiling pasta water and I opened my lid and let it bubble over. The kids are now doing a quite game with magnets and stickers. I guess the problem is that I feel entitled to an uninterrupted moment of my own. I expect it, because why would I sit down to this computer and this blog if I expected to by interrupted sixteen times and have a very incoherent train of thought? Why would I choose to put myself in a position of these expectations when I have two little kids here with me who need me to facilitate their activity, reconcile their verbal and physical assaults on eachother and give snacks and wipe butts intermittently -  why did I have the crazy idea that I could do something on my own in the midst of this?? Well, I did. Shame me for having great expectations, but I selfishly believe that I should have some minutes for me. It's the same with a phone call- do you think I could have a peaceful phone call? I had to close myself in the garage the other day on the phone with the insurance company because these smart children somehow didn't understand the sign language of my mouth and hands gesturing to the phone, mouthing "I'M ON THE PHONE". Then I had to keep a stronghold onto the door because they took turns trying to pull it open. Where was my zen then? It takes alot of control to not answer that anger and frustration.
Another thing I took from the book is to try to understand where the kids are coming from. So I try to put myself in the mind of a kid with mommy on the phone locking herself in the garage when I want her to come play with me and get me more water to drink- Is she ignoring me? Doesn't she love me? Maybe I should smack my brother on the head, that usually works to get her to come over to me quick. yes, I will do that. And if that doesn't work, maybe I'll whine. I know mommy gives me attention with that. Even if she yells at  me, I just want her to be here, on my side of the door.
So, if I can stay on their 'side of the door' more often, I may not get so irritated when life doesn't meet my expectations because I don't understand what it is like on their side of the door and they are not capable of understanding what it is like on my side of the door. In being the mom, the adult who knows best, I need to zenfully get down to their side of the door.
...
As I hear the escalation of voices, and the claim that someone wrote on Marco's face, I realize that this 7 minute increment of satisfaction in activity is over and I must re-solicit and close my door.

The Art and Love of Food

My husband gets home late and as the dinner hour approaches, it is always my hope that he will come home in time for dinner. I love to cook and cooking is almost like art - you put things together to create something that is pleasing to the eye as well as the palate. And what art can entices you, calls you, and previews you with your senses like a meal that is cooking? The ears perch to the methodical chopping, the controlled snapping of hot oil, the hidden foiled sizzling of a roast in the oven... and what is more alive than my rice cooker dancing as the foamy bubbles find their way through the top? The nose, if it could, would salivate at the savory richness of an entree perfecting itself with heat, or the sweetness of an indulgent dessert, much like a Yankee Candle that you can eat. I love cooking and I love food. Unfortunately, this love is put aside for me because children of 2 and 4 seem to narrow their food preferences as their awareness and independence increases. I'm sure this will turn around as they get older, but as of now, they will not dance in the chopping, sauteing and devouring of my cared for cooking. And since my husband isn't home for dinner often, this love is solitary most of the time. But maybe that will work because I only have to aim to please myself.
Still, I find this kind of selfish art is less fulfilling, less satisfying than the art of giving, and sharing. The art that can be displayed by someone on their wall, to which they can smile at and adore, is liken to the smile and compliment of someone you love gaining sustenance, comfort, energy, and essentially life, from the artful meal that you cooked.
Food is so much more than just food. It is what goes into it, the micro ingredients, the things you taste but cant see, the things you love but cant identify, the healthful attributes of the ingredients, the culture it represents, or the creativity of fusion. Food is life, and gathering around food brings lives to life.
I guess this is why I love food.

North vs. South

Louisiana is different from New York. This is assumed from all the stereotypes, and this is quite obvious when you have lived in both places. And I think it is even more apparent in this city we're in because it is a Northern, rural LA town with a population of about 20K as compared to the southern LA city we lived in with a population of 100K. There is a website www.peopleofwalmart.com and it illustrates all the different creatures you may find at Walmarts across the country. And not to say that the creatures after 8pm and on the weekend in NY are not strange, but if you transplanted the creatures of the benign hours of the daylight here in this rural, northern bayou town, you might be scared. Everyone, and I mean everyone hunts. So 50% of the folks in Walmart are rockin' the camo. And not that trendy camo that we northerners like to use as an accent article of clothing - you may mistakenly weed whack them with their camo printed with life-like sticks, trees and leaves. They look like a walking piece of woods. So that's 50% of the people. This is a college town, so there is another 25% is composed of half young people wearing shorts (I don't know how youth can wear shorts at all times of the year and not be cold. Was I one of them?) and a category I'll call other which includes myself. My middle aged, child-toting, non-hunting ass is a minority here, I guess. Hunting is not too familiar for me, but I think I could surely like this sport for the pure fact that I get to eat the fruits of my labor. That is right up my alley! Every house has a pick up, an ATV in the back of the truck bed or near it, and a dead deer carcass either draped over the ATV in the back, or chopped up into deer sausage in their freezer or mine. (Yes I have fresh deer sausage in my freezer given to Tom by a co-working hunter waiting to be enjoyed :) Oh and everyone has a gun. So the 'don't mess with Texas' slogans extend to much of the south and definitely this actively hunting, red state.
And we all know the drawl. And since my kids have taken a liking to the Toy Story series of movies just before coming down here, they have adopted the drawl for fun, but they actually sound like the grew up here. I try to correct them - really its all Gabby, "not day-yoown, just DOWN, one syllable. Not they-air, say THERE". I guess we're doomed once she starts school.

It's different here from where I grew up, but it has lots of character and people like it here. They pride their live oaks like I pride my Hudson River. They drool over craw fish and dirty rice like I pine for Brooklyn pizza and Jewish bagels. I love it all and I love to take it all in and experience what is someone elses' normal. It is stimulating to walk through the Walmart - what is better than that! This is life.

Every House Tells a Story

As I exist in this house, I am taking in their choices in wall paper, color, and other architectural and design things and I realize that a house says alot about a person. Are they afraid to make bold choices, or are they fearless? Do they like bold and big furniture and structures, or safe bets that they wont get sick of? Do they choose quality and put together everything completely, or do they skimp here and there just to get it done and move on? Are they that attentive to detail? The only variable to my amature character description of the previous owners is that some things like the lighting- I don't know if it is a crazy, unusual choice, or if it is something common to the French Provincial, Louisiana architecture. And other things, like a separate ice making machine in the kitchen - is this common in nice homes, or down here because it's hot, or is this something this couple has always wanted and finally put it in the home they planned out together.
I think this couple was not afraid of bold choices, and was family oriented. I think they cared less if some crayon got on the floor or some nail polish splashed on the cabinet. I think they also didn't care if the dishwasher didn't fit quite right and you had to thrust it with your hip as you closed it each time. I think husband and wife wanted their privacy and some romantic comforts, but they also wanted their children to be happy and enjoy themselves. I can tell which areas are frequented by a man and which walls have looked mostly upon a women. It is interesting to infer all this, but also very limited because this house is but a chapter, or even the titles of the chapters of a book, with all the words and pages and content missing to make it all make sense. I can take this house that we are moving into now and make my inferences while comparing it to the equivalent in our own house in New York, because our house says quite a bit about us. I think I make pretty good sense.
So yes, there are left over imprints of mess and signs of life in this house. But as I always used to say to justify my mess as a teenager, a mess simply says that you were focused on other things. (or maybe its that you don't care, but I like to think the latter is true for most) So it is true now that I would have tried to scrape off the nail polish on my nice bathroom cabinets, or use a magic eraser to clean up my children's destruction, I hope that this couple did not because they were so engaged in each other and the family that that was the last thing from their mind.

My Son is Pinkalicious

We arrived in our new (but not new) house that we will be renting. It is bigger than I would want but it is hard to find a whole house to rent for a decent price. The house is beautiful and has some lovely french and southern flare, as is common and endeared to in Louisiana. However, the previous owner chose some interesting colors for some of the rooms that I am left to work with. And since Gabby had the bigger room in NY, we thought Marco should have the bigger room here. The only problem is that the bigger room was previously meant for a girl and is a happy girly turquoise. And the bathroom off it is a happy girly pink with a pink vanity, pink wall paper, pink shower curtain and crystal knobs. This bathroom joins the two girly bedrooms, the smaller on in happy green for Gabby and the larger one in happy turquoise for Marco, so Marco is screwed either way.

Come to think of it now as I'm writing this... I have them alternate who picks a book to read before we go to bed at night and two choices in a row, Marco has picked the book Pinkalicious to read. This is really Gabby's book all about a little girl who turned pink. Hmm. Interesting choice. Among all the books we have with all the key players in his life - Elmo, Diego, Woody, Pooh... I would even understand Dora, who can be a bit of a unindulge

nt tom boy at times, but no, he chooses Pinkalicious...twice. Besides the times that Gabby has chosen this pink book herself. Maybe he feels right at home surrounded by pink and cheerful turquoise.

(not that there is anything wrong with that...)

Anyway, I will boy up his room as much as possible and since i hate taking down wall paper (and this isn't our house) he'll have to get comfortable with his feminine, pinkalicous side while down south.
Or my husband will just hang up posters of trucks, cars, hammers, footballs, dragons, pirates, and various blue collar, civil service workers to compensate for the softer floral influences up there.
(not that he thinks there is anything wrong with that...)

:)

Tossing Cookies

Prior to flying down to LA I packed up two boxes full of Xmas toys that the kids didn't open yet and sent them down here. It cost me $13 per box and i justified that with the $25/per checked bag fee on the airlines. I sent the box to our friends house down here and they arrived the day before we did - it worked out great!
Marco got a fever the day before we flew, it must have been a little virus. So on the first flight, as the plane was descending, our feverish little man threw up on himself twice. As I was cautiously holding a bag up near his mouth, he told me he doesn't want to do that again so I can put the bag down. Since I am a year or so out from the baby phases, I did not pack any extra cloths in my carry on bag for him so we bought him a new shirt in the huge Atlanta airport. I guess he made out OK. And despite the vomit that didn't stink too bad relative to vomit, it didn't get on the car seat he was sitting in, and it didn't get on me. Plus, sick, lethargic babies make for easy travel companions, as opposed to normal terrible two year old behavior in confined spaces. I'd say we made out OK too. So he could either toss his cookies, so to speak, or literally throw his cookies, or goldfish as it was across the plane because that is what cranky kids do. But with our version of cookie tossing, at least you feel bad for the kid, where as with the other goldfish tosser, you just want to pull your hair out and toss them out the window. And the people in front of me should be happy too because he would undoubtedly be kicking their seat for 2.5 hours with me negotiating with him why that is not a good idea, instead, they now have a breaking heart for the poor baby who vomited because of the pressure changes on the descent (His vomit timing made a lovely presentation breeding empathy, but I hope he didn't pass along his virus to these unsuspecting fellow flyers)

Free Agent!

So after almost two years, I put in my resignation from my job and I am now a free agent! We are planning to move to Louisiana around May so I will be getting ready for that and spending some much enjoyed time with my husband and kids. I do not yet miss working, but when we do finally move, I would like to work part time.
We have not had it easy this past couple years and I hope for things to be a bit more peaceful going forward.
With my first chunk of time that i have in front of me in which i do not have to ask someone if I can go somewhere or not, the kids and I are flying to LA to see where Tom has been working and check out the house we decided to rent. Wish us luck...flying is always fun with kids as well as a big empty house with no toys and no routine...

NY vs. LA

My husband has been travelling back and forth to Louisiana and here every other week. I have gotten used to not having him around, which I am convinced is not a necessary skill to learn while one is still married. Why? Because it allows you to believe you don't need that person, and that you will be OK without them. We should need each other as much as we can when we are together, there is no sense to ration what we have at our fingertips, emotionally and otherwise. I am a person who was raised to be independent and self sufficient, but the thought that that will be a required skill in the future is altogether comforting and painful.
Aside from this reflection, we may move to Louisiana sometime within the next year and Tom can start working there full time. I am ok with moving - it is a multi faceted decision that seems beneficial for the team.
I have fond memories of living in Louisiana because we were a close team, a strong team, and somehow people seem nicer down there and the gentle energy spreads. Where as in New York, you have to seek out peaceful people because they are hard to find. I think that energy gets under your skin. The skin that is covered up in a million layers of clothing in the four bitterly chilly months of a New York winter. For me, it is easier to deal with thick heat that feels like you are standing in the exhaust stream and radiator output of a big bus, than the freezing, dry, bone-chilling cold of the winters here. Either choice, you get 4 months of uncomfortable temps and environment. There has to be less seasonal affective disorder down there, luckily I don't suffer from it, but the grump and deterrence to go outside does prevail for me.

Purchased Toys vs. Dreamed up Toys

Here are two images, that for a child, yield the same enjoyment. One is dreamed up by my make-shift, crafty mother. The other was purchased as a gift for my children by another good mother, my sister-in-law. I remember seeing the bunch of jars and spoons and thought how my kids can enjoy the simple games created without money, a bit of time and an out-of-the box imagination. I am not that kid-inclined, but I do have my moments :) But aside from this, I have reaped hours and hours of enjoyment sitting in the sun reading a book as my kids played next to me on the water table I had on our deck. This was an activity we did every summer weekend, and I got my vitamin D and they got to play with water together - what is better!?

I'm Sorry

So I have mentioned my dear friend Astoria. As is customary for me, I disclose nearly everything to her, and she claims to have told me more than anyone as well. In a recent chit chat we were having I told her that she is not very accessible. I have tried to call her at home and she never picks up the phone. I have no cell phone for her, no email address and no invitation for anything ever outside of work. I envisioned her as being very busy with family and maybe in an unhappy place and I don't want to impose upon anyone what they may not be in the mood for. I also have a history of being poor at this friendship stuff and not giving enough of me into a friendship. So maybe this distance is easy for me. But I did tell her that she is not very available and she told me that she was scared to get too close to me because she fears I will be leaving this job or moving. She said she loves me dearly but doesn't want to become too attached to me. I feel a bit offended that she is refraining from befriending me completely because of the possibility that I may go somewhere. Does that mean she'll drop me if I move and never call? To that she said she doesn't do long distance relationships well. What about 'it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all'. She doesn't believe that? Either way she acknowledged her behavior. My problem is that when I tell people stuff it means I gave a piece of myself to someone. So Astoria is taking all my pieces and has no intention of keeping a connection with its bearer. She will never mistreat my pieces but I want to be a good friend to her as well and I don't know that I am. Maybe for her it is just easier not to invest so much into a friendship or relationship. We are scared, fractured people and I would tend to think that with all I know about her, there is more to it than that.
I watched Love Story last nite with Tom - the movie with the famous line "Love means never having to say your sorry". When I first heard this line I thought it was quite phenomenal, but I was young. And I was too young to know what love was all about. I remember an English class in Jr High School or High School where the teacher was asking about what love is. (Why she wold be asking that to a bunch of young kids, I don't know) But I thought I was quite astute and raised my hand to say that "love means never having to say your sorry". The teacher laughed at me while quickly dismissing the possibility that anyone would be led to believe that I came up with that myself announcing that it is from a movie. She said that was not realistic to say that people who love one another don't ever have to say they are sorry. OK. So I get that. And when I watched Love Story last nite, my impression was that it seemed kind of corny. When I think about my relationships, I would not necessarily dismiss an "I'm sorry" by an assumption or deep assured knowledge that they are, of course sorry. I think I would like to hear a 'sorry', and I think we should all be saying more 'sorrys' than we do!
But when I think about Astoria, and how she puts a wall up in terms of our friendship, I do know she is sorry, and she never, ever has to say it. When I think of this situation, I understand completely how love means never having to say she's sorry. With others, its nice to know they feel some remorse for being stupid and this can be felt when someone says sorry. But Astoria doesn't need to feel remorse for something I understand, despite it being stupid.
So I don't know what this difference means, I know all relationships are different - friend, spouse, family, children... and they all require different management methods depending upon what they are based on for you. Maybe it's our own issues or expectations we are putting into these relationships and if we had no baggage or expectations, we would never need to hear 'I'm sorry'.

Job

As I was reading back over some of my posts, I realized I hadn't followed up on the issue with my job and my contract there. I know that you three readers that I have are sitting on the edge of your three seats but I'll let you know that last week they extended our contract for another year, so I am safe until October 2011. (Just kidding about the three readers... but I'm probably not that far off) I have read other people's blogs, but I can't say that I am a repeat reader, so I can't imagine that someone who doesn't know me that well is giving this page too much attention. But I suppose it is like a journal, and if my biggest scroller is me reading over my blog for type-os, well I appreciate it and it is enjoyable editing for me!

Love Run

My little boy doesn't realize how he fills me with bliss each day. When I pick him up from day care he comes running to me calling "mommy" with a huge smile on his face. Ever since he could walk, he has been running to me, never fail. As soon as he locks his eyes on mine and it registers that that person who walked through the door is in fact his mommy, he is instantly happy and running. It doesn't matter what I look like, what I smell like or what mood I'm in, I am his mommy and he loves me. Gabriella loves me too, but she has quit running to me long ago. If I get an excited run there is something behind it like competition with Marco, jealousy of my smile to Marco's love run or because she sees one of her friends run to their mother. Gabby loves me, but if something better is around, she is more interested in that. Maybe that means she is totally secure in me that she knows I will always be there for her when she is ready for me - you like how I can twist that around? I know this love run wont last forever, and I probably only have less than one year of it left with Marco, but I will enjoy every minute of it while I can. It is still a funny, wobbly run with legs swinging out a bit - it is the irresistible cute baby run that also disappears with the baby attachment. I love it all and it brings me infinite joy - maybe it's the consistency of it - I am guaranteed one child that is happy to see me when I return. With Gabby you never know what you are going to get - the I don't want to go home and stop playing whine, the jealous love, or the I'm so tired I can't follow directions child. She is difficult and Marco is consistant. But nevertheless, I love them both with equal devotion and intensity but this love is delivered in the different ways in which it is required.

Cancer

Every so often, Tom remarks how he is sick of this cancer thing. Recently we realized that he has been dealing with cancer for 10 years. Ten years of cancer. Cancer sucks, and I am sorry that it happens. My advice? You can’t control all the factors that lead to the development of cancer but those that you can, you should. I am not a perfect person and I don’t do everything in the best way, we can all try to do something better than we are doing now. Second, be a good friend, a good sister/brother/daughter, etc to anyone who has to beat down the demon. Cancer has lasting effects – physical and psychological. Don’t forget about your friend or relative when the treatment is over. If you don’t know what to say to someone, say what you feel, what is in your heart. If that is nothing besides, “Geez. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to go through this. What can I do to help?” deliver it genuinely. Third, donate to a cause, show support, give blood, give something… hold someone’s hand. I believe it is so important to be a kind person. You never know when you will need someone to be kind to you and if you are kind to a stranger, you build faith in humanity and maybe it will spread. (And selfishly, it feels very nice to be nice). We each have a profound effect on each other, our attitude and actions have effects on others, undoubtedly. Like the Buddhists believe in this karma, I agree our actions have a bit of a ripple effect on each other.
People appreciate simple things; people appreciate your full attention. Tom stomps on the flowers and I stop to smell them. Everyone deals with this cancer thing differently, I guess you can try to read them and be there how they need you, but I have to believe that kind words, prayers, and helpfulness have to be appreciated by most people. And I guess I wouldn’t think of this, but for my husband he seems to greatly appreciate what people do for me rather than him. Me as the wife of the cancer victim. Me as the mother caring for the young children that we share. So I bet this is true of others dealing with cancer – if you support their family, they feel supported. From my estimation, this probably has two parts for Tom – one is that there isn’t much sometimes that you can give or do for the person dealing with cancer and the treatment – they have to go through the motions and take the drugs and you can’t do that for them. Second is that he wants to feel that if he cant win this battle, then his family is going to be ok and when he sees the support of loved ones, he can be comfortable knowing that we will be ok. A painful subject to broach, but I’ll bet you that anyone who hears that damn diagnosis, these things pass through their heads and for my dear love, he has heard it 4 times now.
We all have room for improvement as humans – and I guess this is important because if you end up with a demon to fight you will know that you lived well and have little you would wish to have done differently if you are forced with the possibility of checking out of here earlier than you want.
Here is my mind on paper this morning as the demon is always around for us. Right now he is sleeping. Sleep tight demon, and never wake up…
Ten years is enough.

My dear friend

As I mentioned earlier, my dear friend Astoria's mama wasn't doing well. Now I can say that she is finally at peace and has been put to rest. The end of her mother's life was tortured and painful and now that is over, but Astoria is a mess. I think she kept far too much bottled up and now it's all plowing out. So once again, pray for a wonderful person who is going through a very hard time.

You brighten my life

I always find it interesting how we interact with people every day and we barely know them at all. Additionally, I have two children and this is a major part of my life that the people I work with never see and may not even know about. It is nice as a mother to be know for something other than being a mother and cleaning and cooking. But in the end, mothering is my job and I value it more than anything else.
Which brings me to my utter excitement to meld my two worlds and bring my daughter to work with me last week. She hung out with me from about 8:30 to almost 3:30 when I left early after I could see she was getting tired. I loved having her there with me and she brightened my day, my co-worker's day and the resident's day. The recreation department had a "children's fashion show / staff talent show" and that was my excuse to bring her in. As far as the fashion show, her and I just walked down a row of wheelchairs while all the old ladies looked at us and clapped. That one short walk was enough for me, but Gabriella seemed to be getting into it and wanted to walk down again. She was excited to go to work with me and the girly-ness in her was excited about the fashion show. Although after our walk-down and we were watching the rest of the very simple, amateur "show" Gabby asked me, "mama where is the show"? and I told her "This is the show". I think she had grander expectations.
All in all, I had a great day with her and I loved being able to share a big part of my life with my friends at work and to show Gabriella where I go when I leave her all day. It meant alot to me, and it would be nice if bosses were in favor of taking children to work, or if there were more excuses for me to bring her again. (Marco is a bit too young and would have needed a nap in the middle of the day so he wouldn't work out, but I'd love to take him in a year or two as well).
I kept one of the paintings she made me when we were in one of my meetings and taped a picture of her to it and stuck it on the wall of my office. I wrote on the paper, "You brighten my life".

I don't negotiate with terrorists or two-year-olds

I am on Facebook like millions of other people. I initially got emails requesting that I be friends with a couple people but I said no because I wasn't sure who they were. Then one day I got a request from a good friend of mine asking if I would be her friend. I thought, well of course I should be her friend, I am her friend. So that was friend number one and now I'm over 100 deep. Even after routinely deleting people, I have this many friends. And Facebook is so amicable in that it calls everyone your friend - whether you know them, like them or are just curious about them but could care less - they are still your "friend". As those ladies in the south would say, "Ain't that nice" with a marginal, southern smile.
So anyway, an acquaintance of mine who is my "friend" on facebook wrote a funny post that stuck in my head. "I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds". I found this disgustingly funny because you have a little child looking at you, nagging at you, asking for something that your better judgement tells you to say 'no'. You actually consider a 'yes' response to that little menace just because your mothering skills allow you to anticipate the reaction of the menace to your 'no' and you want to bypass that. But since I am such a stickler of a mother I say 'no' and listen to the madness ensue. I repeat in my head to myself, "I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds."
That meltdown is like a rattling that you can't seem to find the source of. Like the voice of a person you dislike who talks too much. Like having the TV on, the radio on and your kids talking to you about why they cant have a third bowl of ice cream. It's annoying. And for some reason, things that are annoying insult our brain from the inside out- and at all costs, we want it to stop. Being a parent requires perseverance to get through the jackhammer of infant crying and the rattling annoyance of toddler whining.
That is why we watch them when the sleep. And take pictures of them when they sleep. And reminisce of how they've grown and how sweet and wonderful they are. When those little sweet, soft lips are closed and their whole face is still it is so peaceful because all too familiar are the noises, the movement, and the energy of the day from start to finish. Culminated by the heightened craziness that comes on when little ones get tired.
So no, I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds and I do lose my mind sometimes and I do love to watch them sleep.

Update

So we continue with Tom being gone for a week (which is actually 8 days to allow for 7 full working days over there) and home for a week. I hold down the fort and it has been going OK. I don't have enough time to do everything I wan to do in a day, or that should be done everyday so I have to leave something out everyday. But I am quite productive in the remaining 3 hours of my waking day at home. I work out three or four mornings a week before work and it would be nice if it were more, but that is good enough considering. My kids play together nicely which allows me to do some other chores around them. It is really nice to have gotten to this point in my parenting journey that I don't have to be sitting right with them every second. Now i just have to be nearby using my second set of eyes and ears that seem to catch every room in the house- those fascinating sixth sensory skills you gain when you become a parent.
I still don't know what is happening with my job - the facility terminated the contract with the company that employees me which would leave me with no job (or a transfer) by October. Out district manager came to my facility and offered them some negotiations to the contract that would make a person think they'd be stupid not to re-sign with us. But I don't fully buy this optimism. We'll see what happens...
For my own sanity, I want to wait until after Tom's next PET/CT scan to see where he is at so we can think seriously about either moving to Louisiana again and figuring everything out with my job.
Tom thinks I should quit my job and COBRA the health insurance. Maybe his suggestion of this is indicative of his optimism and that he is feeling good. I am afraid to be too positive - id rather just wait and feel nothing until I know that I am free to feel one way or another. Everything seems to be OK right now though, in terms of another flare up of his disease - its a really nice thing! So for me personally, I don't want to quit anything until after this scan...

The kids are good - i think each time papa leaves it is a bit more disturbing, but only the first and second days - then things seem to melt back to normal. Other than that, they are happy, fabulous little wonders.

My dear friend

At work, I have a very, very dear friend. She is perfectly flawed and impeccably challenged. Her son had a brain tumor about 5 years ago and sometime after her sharing that with me, I shared with her that my husband had cancer. I am quite tight-lipped about my personal life but I was easily able to share the details with her. So my dear friend Astoria knows more about me and what I feel than many others do. I think part of that is because I see her nearly everyday so each bump in my path, or sun on my shoulders she hears about because she is available and utterly trustworthy and infinitely empathetic.
When she wants to say something that she thinks she shouldn't, I can see on her face exactly what she wants to say. But instead of saying it outright, she asks me a question. Like if I am bitching about someone, instead of saying "boy Someone sure is an asshole" she ask me, "How do you feel when Someone does that? Does it make you angry" I suppose this is a wise strategy but I don't think she thinks of it that way- I think she probably doesn't want to say something that I may get mad at her for or she fears may offend me. Or maybe its because she really understands about how feelings fluctuate and scenarios change and Someones can be good and Someones can be bad all in the same Someone.
Astoria is a complicated person and she has had alot of unfortunate things happen to her.
Her mother is a resident on the dementia unit in the nursing home we work in. She was diagnosed with early onset dementia, at the age of 50 i think. It has declined rapidly and her mama cannot communicate nor recognize anyone. It is a terrible, terrible disease and knowing it from my work experience and more personally is why that book Still Alice touched me so much.
After you see how this terrible disease progresses and the burden it puts on family members who love the victim oftentimes you realize that living with end stage dementia is no way to live. She knows that better than anyone.
Her mama has been doing worse than usual this week and it is an erie feeling to think the end is near. Though she has said many times that death would finally bring comfort to her mom, it still has to be scary. To anyone who is reading this, please pray for what is best for my dear friend, and her family.

The Watch

When we were in Louisiana, Tom felt the node in his groin. A couple months after we moved down there and he started working, he felt the need to make an appointment with an oncologist there. After his appointment, the oncologist wanted to see if anything was going on so he ordered a PET/CT scan. After the scan, we stopped at the most wonderful mall in Houston near the medical center and walked around a bit before heading home. He saw some shoes in The Walking Co. store and he said he wanted to get them because they are supposed to be very comfortable - since he is standing and wearing a lead vest for much of the day, these would be great. He said he would hold off on getting them to wait and see what was going to happen, if he relapsed or not.

When we got engaged, Tom presented me with a beautiful ring. I, in turn, bought him a watch as an engagement gift. This is a tradition that I had no clue about but I guess some women will buy their fiancee an engagement gift, I suppose because a ring costs a lot of money and a nice gift for the man is appropriate. So I decided very easily upon a nice watch that I liked very much. When he got it he loved it as well, but he had some problems with the dial so he ended up taking it back and exchanging it for another watch. Since then, four years ago, he has always said that he would buy that watch again because he misses his "love watch".

So that day when we were home after this trip to the medical center, he made a comment again about that watch- that if everything is OK, he was going to buy it once and for all.

It truly pains me to recollect the feeling of this day because I was really doubtful that anything could be wrong. I thought he was a bit paranoid and I was inherently optimistic. We just moved across the country, Tom took his first job out of his training and after having Gabriella, I was 4 months pregnant with Marco. Of course this wouldn't happen now, how could it?
Needless to say, it did happen and that was the beginning of the next part of our journey on Life Parkway.

I ache that he didn't get that watch. And my attachment to that watch symbolizes health, marriage and his upbeat outlook. Each birthday, Christmas and Anniversary that has come since then has given me the idea over an over to re-buy this watch. But it is an expensive watch so it is not a necessary purchase, and I couldn't quite justify the expense.
Now I am working for the benefit of our team. Now Tom is working for the benefit of our team. And now, I bought that watch for his birthday next week. Yes I did. It is in the basement in its UPS box and I am going to take it out and wrap it up this week that Tom is away working and that watch will be back in our home again. I am not putting an inordinate amount of pressure on this watch to live up to its emotional value for me, but I sure do hope that its dial works this time.

Injustice

I bought myself the book Push, which is the book that the movie Precious was based upon. I figured that I would read the book because I had not see the movie and I know it is reviewed as being quite profound. Additionally, I loved the story of how Gabourey Sidibe was discovered - within 3 days she went from an average college student to staring in a soon-to-be hit film. At the time, she was participating in some small plays at the City University of New York school that I attended for my Masters.
This book is written in the vernacular as the main character would be speaking, and it is painful to read about this girls life, but unfortunately I'm sure there are one too many other girls living just this way right around us.

Sometimes I hear stories of personal belongings getting stolen from the patients and residents in the nursing home where I work, and I always wonder to myself how anyone could do such a thing. Like take the gold ring off of a confused 90 year old. Or take a bottle of perfume from their bedside drawer that was a birthday gift. Or take the gold necklace off of someone's neck while they were sleeping... yup this and more has all happened. I have worked in more than one nursing home and this stuff happens in all of them.

I was suppose to attend a community event in a very impoverished neighborhood in the Bronx to give information and speak about healthy eating and nutrition. Indirectly, my presence would be intended to represent and advertise the nursing home and the home care services, etc. in the community. I ended up telling my boss and the business development guy that I was not able to go. Several reasons went into this - we met with the head of the community center that was putting on this fair and they were a caring couple who's mission is to help this community in need and they have done quite a bit, but from my vantage point there are way too many issues for me to begin to make a dent in by talking about whole grains and broccoli. I can't begin to describe the number of untackled issues - it seems to make nutrition so trivial. Children raised by grandparents because their parents are dead, teens who are pregnant, morbidly obese diabetics with no health insurance, couples on welfare with 9 children, food markets with nothing but processed ding-dongs and fried chicken... it goes much deeper than my little intervention can do especially with the majority of my experience geared to patients with quite a bit of knowledge about wellness and healthy behaviors. It is in my soul to want to help people, but this community requires a huge time commitment and many groups in participation to make some changes - I felt ill-equipped to serve them alone. Additionally, I have my own case load of assessments and consults to deal with at work and it would cost me quite a bit to take a large chunk of my day to go out into the community when these activities are not budgeted in my time. Call me crazy, but I couldn't get it out of my head that I would feel horrible and terribly awkward driving down and parking in this part of the Bronx where they cant afford a car at all, as I am driving a car that costs more than their yearly wadges. I drive a nice car- I shouldn't be ashamed of that, after all, my husband and I work very hard to make good money and live right and if we want to drive a nicer, newer car, we should feel comfortable doing so. But in this setting, no matter what you tell me, I will not feel comfortable and this was a huge deterrent to me for going to the community fair.
Long story short, another girl in a community outreach position went to the fair to man the table and represent our work and we provided her with some nutritional handouts in English and Spanish for her to distribute. The fair was located in an open plot, like a make-shift courtyard between two apartment buildings. This young girl was at her table less than one hour when someone from a window in an apartment above dropped down one dozen eggs on top of her head. She, covered in sticky, messy eggs, left the fair without words to describe her disgust when we saw her the next day.
That is the kind of person who slides the wedding band from the Alzheimer's patient. That is the kind of person who rapes their own daughter and gets her pregnant twice. And that is the kind of person who drains our society, and to whom advice about 5 fruits and vegetables a day would probably not illicit a lifestyle change. I do want to help, but I cant harm myself while helping. And, I hope I am not wrong, I believe that it is beyond my scope at this juncture to be of use.

Be Where you are

As I sing you to sleep,

I am missing holding your small body.

I haven't been a parent long,

but long enough to know

you grow too quick.

As I try to keep our dinner time under control

I am hating myself for not letting you

laugh and squeal and scream with happiness.

I am relatively young,

but old enough to know

innocent bliss doesn't last forever.

As I hustle you out of the house with me

and feel my patience dwindle

I know I don't have the time now-

but someday,

I will have all the time in the world

and I wont have you to share it with.

Each day I try to savor you. Each day I remind myself how precious each moment is. And as I foresee your growth I realize it is coming and the present is going and nothing like parenting can teach you the importance of being where you are. Unfortunately we realize this in retrospect. My daughter is 40 inches tall. She came out of me 21 3/8th inches long. By five she will have doubled her length - and that is slow compared to so many other aspects of her development. I guess this is why that Duggar family on TV has like 18 kids - the growth, the doubling and your job will never end. There certainly is a limit to my patience as a mother and I want to do a good job so 18 would not suit me well. I suppose I reflect on them because I love them so much and by the nature of it, my love must change again and again as they grow. And I love them more and more and more...

Book Review

I recently read an excellent book about a women with Alzheimer's disease. This novel hit me on so many levels, first because I have worked in nursing homes with Alzheimer's units for several years and seen this terrible disease manifest, and second because I have a dear friend who's mother has early onset Alzheimer's disease. After reading this, I wanted everyone, especially those I work with to read it too. I wrote the following book review that was distributed at my work and published in a local paper.

The novel Still Alice by Lisa Genova was real and was profound. It was so real that it both haunted me and made me grateful. The New York Times Bestseller is a novel chronicling a well-educated women with early-onset Alzheimer's Disease and it illustrates so touchingly how it might feel to be her. For anyone who has been touched by this disease, or like me who works with many adults afflicted by this disease, this is a must-read. Originally inspired by her grandmother's trial with Alzheimer's, the doctorate level Neuroscience trained author embarked on a journey into the mind of amyloid plaques and killed off neurons.

Alice Howland, the main character, was a professor at Harvard who prided herself on her renowned research, sought after ease with speaking at world-wide conferences, and inspiring daily lectures at the University. When she began to find that she was at a loss for the correct word to complete her thoughts in regular conversation, or that she had forgotten to return an important email, she wondered what might be plaguing her mind so unusually. Early on in the novel, Dr. Howland went for her daily run through her stomping ground of Harvard Yard and she became anxious and confused. After years of habitual, effortless strides, she did not know which direction would lead her home. This frightful experience that seemed to have no logical excuse brought her to seek the wisdom of her physician. And this visit unleashed the cascade of questioning that led to her diagnosis of exclusion... Alzheimer's.

When reading this novel, I felt so deeply for the character, for her humiliation, simplicity, and her innocence with uncertainty.I felt scared for my self and for my loved ones. When reading this novel, each line ran into the next, disease progression continued, and my eyes and mind bore into the life of Alice Howland.

A diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's disease is terrifying and terminal, and when Alice was diagnosed in a place of sound mind, she was left with the picture of her future. Should she set up a ritualistic quiz for herself so as to monitor her cognition? And with these answers, make a decision about her life when it comes to a point when it is no longer a pleasure to live? Should she tell her family about the genetic relationship of the disease that may possibly affect her children? When will she stop recognizing her husband?

Amazingly, each and every line of the praise and comments touted on the covers and pages of the book mimic my full-bodied enthusiasm for sharing with everyone and anyone. These pages will not leave you untouched. This is a quick read for the compassionate, an informative journey for the inquisitive and a mindset changing story for the helpless, heartfelt reader who will only benefit from this new perspective of awareness that only Still Alice can deliver.