D - Diamonds and what matters #atozchallenge

Here is a poem for D- the first word that struck my creative chord was diamond. (Of course I was listening to Paul Simon... See W day from 2015, http://spokenfingers.blogspot.com/2015/04/w-wonder-have-wish-to-know-something-be.html )

Diamonds on the soles of my shoes

magnetic fuel of grateful beauty

I walk atop that which is valued most

by those who estimate me the least.

A rock so hard, by many

is treated like fragile glass

my heart hardens under

the pressure of their eyes

but on my soles, I walk

with my softer brilliance

wrapped around my fingers

Limits

What started as an out-patient procedure in the hospital ended with a dog.

As Tom was lying in the room for a brief recovery, the Filipino nurse told us about her dog. Our interest in her story led her to tell us about the other Filipino nurse's dog. Her husband was having asthma symptoms even though this dog, a Shih Tzu is not supposed to aggrevate allergies. Short story is that she wanted to find the dog another home. Out goes one Filipino and five minutes later, in came the other. Number 2 told us about her dog, Thunder, and that he was wonderful - playful, but calm, he ate without issues, peed without issues, pooped without issues and he, like this breed, doean't shed. He loves to take a bath!

Thunder likes other dogs, likes people and likes kids.

Tom just loves dogs, and I love things that cuddle near me, don't make a mess and don't bother my kids. So all in all, we decided we'd like to give Thunder a try. We asked Fili number 2 to call us.

The next day, another nurse from the unit at the hospital issued the customary call to the patient to see how Tom was doing. I said, "Oh, he's fine. But there was this one nurse..." and proceeded to describe her Filipino-ness in a politically correct way and this other nurse, nurse number 3 was going to look into it. 

Later that day, Tom sealed the deal with the number 2's son. We brewed over names since we didn't like "Thunder" and decided upon Issey for Issey Miaki, the Japanese fashion designer. I love his men's cologne and it is one that I bought for Tom a while ago and I love when he wears it. Apparently, Steve Jobs asked Mr.Miaki to make him a black mock turtleneck that he liked and Miaki made him hundreds! Hence the signature style of the Apple icon! We were set on Issey for the name.

When Gabby got home from school, I took her with me and picked up the pup about 25 minutes away. We found Thunder in an apartment with his family of two parents and three young boys who loved him. Thunder was living with nurse number 2's son in law to preserve the husband's lungs. The family was lovely and we gathered up Thunder's things and headed to the car.

I asked the son how Thunder is in a car and the guy laughed and said he is "all over the place". Ok, fine. So I decided to put him in the hatch area of our SUV. I used to have a small dog, a terrier, who would sit in our front seat and lie down still the whole ride. It was the calmest that terrier ever was. With this Thunder bolt, I didn't get the same.

I opened the hatch and put him in the trunk area, and in the blink of an eye, he hopped over the row of seats and was in the back seat with Gabby. I grumbled and went around and got in the car. This dog jumped all over my car, in every seat- he took my son's bear for a chew toy, he dug into a bag of stuff I had to return at Walmart, he dug at my seats. I let him do all this because it was better to remain focused on driving than yelling at a dog and crashing. I tried to take the bear because I didn't know how diligent of a chewer this thing was and I didn't want him to ruin Marco's toy. That was a mistake - he followed the toy to me in the driver's seat, which fell by my feet. Last thing I needed was this dog to jump down there, then I'm sure to crash! I screamed at it then and dug up the bear. The damn thing nipped my wrist and scratched me, albeit mistakenly, but I felt like doing a U-turn off the highway and dropping its furry, butt-exposing ass off. I think he thought I was playing - we were not on the same page, Thunder and I.

All I can say is that he didn't pee or poop in the car because that would have really topped this off. He did settle down next to Gabby and sit on and off for a chunk of the ride.

The rest of our time together got better in terms of Thunder's performance, but my kids became the problem. Marco was deathly afraid of this dog. and the faster he ran away, the more Thunder pursued him. Thunder loves to play and he loves to run after kids apparently. We picked him up on Friday, and on Saturday, Marco spent half the day sitting on my kitchen counter to be away from the pup.

When Thunder settled in on Friday, he layed on the floor, ate well and did his business properly outside. That night, he slept on his little bed on the floor of our bedroom. I heard him licking himself a time or two, but he stayed put and was quiet.

In all this, our current dog, Adelaide tried to disappear from the situation and avoid Thunder's existence as much as possible. A very similar reaction to our last addition, the terrier. Adelaide could care less about our kids so I think all this affectionate attention from Thunder was scaring them. I think Adelaide is scared of the kids whereas Thunder was fond of them and they were scared of him! Either way, Adelaide was not in favor of this situation and she kept mum about it. But when Thunder would smell Adelaide's rear you could see her upper whiskered lip doing an Elvis impersonation in disgust of that intrusion.

The night was fine, I didn't sleep too well because I was paranoid about the dog and what it would do if anything. But come Saturday morning, my mind began to loosen. Thunder peed on the floor out of anxiousness of the new situation, probably. I cleaned it up. Tom cleaned up another couple anxiety attacks. But the major problem was Marco running and screaming every five minutes because the dog was looking at him. It's funny because Thunder was grey and white and his whole face was dark grey and you couldn't see his eyes or even see if he had eyes. (I felt a disconnect without some good eye contact from Thunder blunder.)

And weather this dog caused them anxiety, or it was just an exciting, distracting situation, my daughter who had been potty trained for over 2 years peed on her self. This was totally surprising and she had no explanation for it except that she had to go and it came out. Less unusual would be my son peeing himself. And of course, right before bed, Marco pees in his pants on his floor. If I could explain all this I would, but I have no words for all the pee I cleaned up that day except that I don't want to add another bladder to the mix that isn't quite flawlessly functioning.

Each annoyance that came along had me wondering if I should call and give the dog back. The day was a blur of sleepy annoyance, and my son, who is the sweetest thing I have ever met was making me annoyed and aggravated. When I wanted to strangle little Marco for being driven to irrational tearful shaking over a 12 pound fur ball, I knew he had to go. (The dog.) My breaking point was when the normal shenanigans of Marco and Gabriella were underway - her taking something of his and teasing him with it - followed by the dog running after them and everyone screaming all for multiple reasons. I snatched the offending something, yelled at my kids, sent them to their rooms and picked up the phone.

And that was the end of that Thunderstorm. Thunder was a lovely dog, however. He was pretty cute, kind and mild-mannered. I was folding laundry and he sat about 2 feet from me and just hung out. That was exactly what I wanted from a dog. Just a friend who gives no advise, no criticism and pass the time by my side in quiet acceptance. Issey Thunder, as we called him, fit the bill. But my decision to send him back was based on the allotment of patience and tolerance that I have in me. And all of it needs to be directed to my kids. No animal, cute, kind or mild will usurp any gentle kindness I have to give. It should all be for my kids. Sorry Thunder.

Also, I had finally gotten to a place of less tension with my kids a little older - I can keep fragile trinkets around, I can clean the house better and they can be occupied without my constant attention. There is enough to maintain as far as cleaning rooms and people that I started to feel tense again at the thought of one more thing to do. This dog needed to be bathed often and brushed more often. We are not high-maintenence kind of people and this dog required some pampering. Not a ton, but enough.

That same Saturday, after finishing their lunch, Marco and Gabby ran up to their rooms, and closed the doors with Thunder on their heels. They proceeded to busy themselves there to keep away from the new dog. Tom and I sat to finish the rest of our lunch on a Saturday in virtual quiet. He said, "I like that dog!" Nothing as of late could keep my kids in line so simply - they sat promptly at the table for breakfast with  no screwing around. (The perceived threat sat calmly beneath either one of their chairs). They stayed in their rooms to play... quietly. and the ironic thing was that this dog was in reality, no threat to them at all! It was a potential source of enjoyment. But fear of the unknown kept them in their chairs while eating and kept them in their rooms playing quietly.

Tom and I explained several times that if they walked slowly, Thunder wouldn't pay them any attention, but if they ran around, he got excited. That strategy hadn't sunk in, but of course, after the phone call was made, Marco confronts the "threat" on the stairs. He said, "Excuse me Thunder can you get out of my way. I am going to go past you. I am walking slooowwlly." And that he did and Thunder watched him and stood still. 

We could have flexed to fit this Thunder into our lives, but I felt like my limit had been hit and it wasn't worth it for me to ride the limit line for a dog. I ride the limit line several times a year, but it is for people - my kids. And that is worth it and it will be ridden as many times as I need to ride it because that is my job, my devotion, my responsibility. I could have loved Thunder, but if I did, it would be harder to take him off my plate, so I sent him home on day 2 to Nurse #2 because he could have been pretty easy to love, but also pretty easy to resent. This was my lesson in both knowing my limitations and exercising my assertiveness.

I was happy to hear that Thunder's family may not have had a easy night without Thunder  - they said the three boys cried and were upset all night without Thunder. So maybe it was not our time to take on a dog, and it was not their time to let one go.

The Fondness of Yellow

I saw my baby get on the school bus this week. I can describe it as a tame trauma for me. Almost like someone ripped her from my heart and threw her on a big vehicle without any seat belts. I spent more than 3 years in paranoia about buckling her properly in a 5-point harness, then felt scared and strange when I switched her to an over-40-pound seat that sits loosely in the car using only the car's shoulder/lap belt. Now my baby is bouncing around in a bus with no protection.

The seat belt is a metaphor for my ties with her and my level of need in her life. She needs me infinitely but it is not because of her fragile inability to survive as it was in her first year. Putting her on a bus is my first step in letting go and when I am proud of her, I am proud of myself.

In reality, the teachers and staff at her elementary school give them lots of support and reassurance and they are there every step the kids take. All the little kindergartners were scared and nervous and confused. Gabby had a lot of fun at school, which makes me think they aren't doing that much work at the moment, but I am happy for her!

When she gets off that bus, I am now the one who is twiddling my thumbs with anxious excitement to see my beloved. I am the one checking the clock to see when she will come rambling up the street. I look like she did when she was a baby and I returned to her after hours of being apart. I like the color yellow. It symbolizes her growth, her independence, my constant reshuffling of my emotions as a parent, and it symbolizes her return to me.

Quiet Love

I find that it is mostly the quiet moments in my children that blow me away. An oxymoron possibly, but a consistent realization for me. My Gabby may be silent for a moment of concentration coloring an elephant and I capture the profile of her face, the quiet curves of her lips and I am mesmerized. When a peaceful furrow takes over my son's brow as he diligently puts together a puzzle, I am in awe.
I think the awe is there all the time, but it can't rise to the surface all the time because life is occurring and the constant barrage of needs and wants infiltrate my minutes. But its when that tide ceases, for the brief moments that it does, that proud, humble, fascinated love abounds from my for my little creatures.
Once again, the beauty of a sleeping child is without words, but so understandable!
I love you two little things - all the time, but so tangible so when I am watching you be little people.

Words and Therapy

Gabby's teacher gave each child in the class a cute stuffed doll - girls got Mary and boys got a Shepard. The doll was very simple and sweet and came in a box that explained how and why it was made, and how Mary loves you and listens to you.


When Gabby and I got home, I cut Mary out of her box so she could hold her. She hugged her and talked baby talk to her (which is so annoying for me...but beside the point) and their budding relationship was going well.

(Mary, in general, has a significance because she is a symbol of sacrifice - a young girl who was told to end whatever young girl dreams she had to be a mother (without even getting a few orgasms out of it...but that's besides the point) and be a blessed, holy mother and step into some sandals with high-standards).

So once Gabby's brother wakes up, the theoretical stimuli of the house rages. And with the heightened antics comes the downfall of Gabby's new relationship. Mary is getting flung around and is used to whack her brother in the head over and over. My first impulse is the usual explanation of why this is not nice to hit her brother and to stop doing it. Then, with the recollection of the previous day's counseling by her teacher of why she can't wear her new rosary beads as a necklace, I decided a confiscation of Mary was warranted along with an explanation about respect. I know why rosary beads should not be worn as flare "like the rap stars" as the teacher said, and I know why blessed virgin replicas should not be used to instigate an "I have successfully gotten under your skin" reaction from as many family members as possible. But the task for me is how to relay that to an almost 5 year old.

My explanation did nothing after the incident. I don’t think she was ready to absorb any reasoning. It's like they are an emotional sponge that is saturated with anguish from losing their plaything (and power as it may be in this situation) and no other words of justification are able to sink into that sponge.

So the next morning on the way to school, she brings up Mary and I take that opportunity to discuss the issue. I ask her to remind us both why I took sweet and soft Mary from her. She tells me because of respect and then asks me what respect means because she doesn't know that word. So I go on to explain to her what you do when you have respect for something because I don't know exactly how to define the word. I tried to lower my comprehension because I tend to speak as if my audience is much older than 4. After I am done, Gabby is quiet for a few seconds and says, "Mama, all I remember from what you just said is "treat her". That’s all I remember".

I laughed. I laughed and further realized that I have no idea how to talk to a toddler. And I further realized how much breath and effort I have probably wasted speaking about concepts that are too mature for kids.

I am a person of words and expression. I love words and language because it can be so chosen, and so expressed to relay what you feel. Feelings are so unique and inexplicable that to come close to putting them into words so that others can know closely what you are feeling is an amazing thing to me and a priceless skill. I love words, and I love thinking and I love understanding and I love explaining and I love writing. For me, whenever I am able to understand what another is feeling from an experience that I may or may not have had, I feel one bit more enlightened. But my kids are not old enough to understand all this and even if they were, this type of strategy may not be as effective for them anyway. For example, I tend to respond to an issue with an explanation that would cover any possible issues that may stem from the central issue at hand. To really bring it home and cover my bases. But I now think I should answer only the question at hand and let my kids ask the subsequent questions as they come to them. Because at least for Gabby, she would be much more absorbent and receptive if she was getting information because she wanted it, rather than getting information that someone else thinks is important. (Yes, she is very stubborn).

I retold this humorous story of Gabriella and Mary to Thomas and recanted my useless conversation. I told him that I understood where she was coming from and I equated it to my experience with other languages, namely Spanish and Italian. I took a few years of Spanish in school and I can communicate simple things in Spanish. So I told Tom that when his family speaks in Spanish or when I overhear other conversations in Spanish or Italian, I have best intentions and attention to follow along. But there seems to be a brain delay and I follow about 5 words in and get stuck on a word. The word needs to enter my brain, get put in a line up to be matched with the various possible English words that it could translate to. Once I have chosen my best guess from digging back in my brain to high school when I learned these things, I take this newly translated word, put it at the tail of the 5 words I am sure of and I am now 6 words in and ready to roll with renewed attention. The problem is, when I left the conversation talking about fish and rice, I am now hearing words about mowing the grass and rocks. Those 30 seconds of conversation has sailed off without me while my brain stumbled over one word. So Gabby is the same - she listened to me and her brain got stuck on the words "treat her" and she was done. She probably went off in a mental day dream-like tangent over these words and paid absolutely no attention to the rest. I actually appreciate her very much for telling me that because it really turned a light on for me.

So I guess, me and my brain decided that we will forgo a proper explanation and give a trivial explanation, which to me isn’t an explanation at all, to retort to these issues of flinging Mary's and rockin' rosaries. I will tell her we should not hit our brother with toys. And we should be extra nice to Mary because she is a very special doll. That's it.

Children are like little walking therapists. When they say the right things, they can teach us by helping us figuring stuff out on our own. Gabby and I just had a break through :)

Love your Job

So I watch the Food Network a lot and Gabby asked me one day which one was my favorite girl. After telling her I liked a lot of them, I told her I really liked Anne Burrell. She gets very excited about her food and is captivating and educational. She is the chef of a couple restaurants in NYC and hosts "Secrets of a Restaurant Chef" on the Food Network.
Anne Burrell loves what she does. And as I have been known to do, I turned this innocent question by my daughter into a philosophical discussion with a moral lesson. As we watched the spunky, animated chef smile and dance around the vegetables and compliment her meats, I told Gabby that this is how she should feel about the job she chooses to pursue when she grows up. That when she goes to work, she should enjoy what she does, or at least the basis of what she does (politics and other factors will always exist). That it should make her feel good about her self, it should keep her bright and enthusiastic to go to work every day.
We are all different people with different characteristics and personalities and it would be my hope for my children to find a niche, to meet their potential and be truly satisfied in the career they choose. To this I pray...

Love Run

My little boy doesn't realize how he fills me with bliss each day. When I pick him up from day care he comes running to me calling "mommy" with a huge smile on his face. Ever since he could walk, he has been running to me, never fail. As soon as he locks his eyes on mine and it registers that that person who walked through the door is in fact his mommy, he is instantly happy and running. It doesn't matter what I look like, what I smell like or what mood I'm in, I am his mommy and he loves me. Gabriella loves me too, but she has quit running to me long ago. If I get an excited run there is something behind it like competition with Marco, jealousy of my smile to Marco's love run or because she sees one of her friends run to their mother. Gabby loves me, but if something better is around, she is more interested in that. Maybe that means she is totally secure in me that she knows I will always be there for her when she is ready for me - you like how I can twist that around? I know this love run wont last forever, and I probably only have less than one year of it left with Marco, but I will enjoy every minute of it while I can. It is still a funny, wobbly run with legs swinging out a bit - it is the irresistible cute baby run that also disappears with the baby attachment. I love it all and it brings me infinite joy - maybe it's the consistency of it - I am guaranteed one child that is happy to see me when I return. With Gabby you never know what you are going to get - the I don't want to go home and stop playing whine, the jealous love, or the I'm so tired I can't follow directions child. She is difficult and Marco is consistant. But nevertheless, I love them both with equal devotion and intensity but this love is delivered in the different ways in which it is required.

You brighten my life

I always find it interesting how we interact with people every day and we barely know them at all. Additionally, I have two children and this is a major part of my life that the people I work with never see and may not even know about. It is nice as a mother to be know for something other than being a mother and cleaning and cooking. But in the end, mothering is my job and I value it more than anything else.
Which brings me to my utter excitement to meld my two worlds and bring my daughter to work with me last week. She hung out with me from about 8:30 to almost 3:30 when I left early after I could see she was getting tired. I loved having her there with me and she brightened my day, my co-worker's day and the resident's day. The recreation department had a "children's fashion show / staff talent show" and that was my excuse to bring her in. As far as the fashion show, her and I just walked down a row of wheelchairs while all the old ladies looked at us and clapped. That one short walk was enough for me, but Gabriella seemed to be getting into it and wanted to walk down again. She was excited to go to work with me and the girly-ness in her was excited about the fashion show. Although after our walk-down and we were watching the rest of the very simple, amateur "show" Gabby asked me, "mama where is the show"? and I told her "This is the show". I think she had grander expectations.
All in all, I had a great day with her and I loved being able to share a big part of my life with my friends at work and to show Gabriella where I go when I leave her all day. It meant alot to me, and it would be nice if bosses were in favor of taking children to work, or if there were more excuses for me to bring her again. (Marco is a bit too young and would have needed a nap in the middle of the day so he wouldn't work out, but I'd love to take him in a year or two as well).
I kept one of the paintings she made me when we were in one of my meetings and taped a picture of her to it and stuck it on the wall of my office. I wrote on the paper, "You brighten my life".

My Frontyard Photo Shoot

I took the most wonderful photos of my children today. I could look at them for hours - so many different angles and shadows... Each shadow and break of light over their perfect faces reminds me how beautiful they are. Their innocent youth is magical. Gabby has such clear, perfect, soft skin - there are no wrinkles, scrunches, bags or discolorations - it is really what God made so well. My children are different and I think these photos I took capture their personalities as well - If Gabby is not watched she will be picking up something, digging in something or running off somewhere. If you turn away from Marc for a moment, you will find him still there right by your side. He is timid with loud noises and will not run off away from me, whereas Gabby is the COMPLETE opposite.
I love my babies and the light was absolutely perfect today. So these components with the lovely fall leaves in the background made for stunning shots - even if I am the only one who thinks so, I will treasure them always. I ordered some prints to replace the cutie-beauties sitting on my desk at work. And I will say 1000 fold that I like the results of my front yard photo shoot any day over the photos I have gotten done at Sears or JC Penny in the past.

If...

If you want to be questioned and followed constantly by someone
and just when you start to get that person
and really know their number,
they change.
And give you new challenges you must understand and learn
and adjust to.
If you want to spend a good chunk of your money
and give up your once peaceful mealtime
to something demanding that lacks understanding.
If you want to give up your simple life
and those sweet moments with your spouse...

Going to the store will never be the same.
Going to sleep will never be the same.
and neither will staying asleep.
When getting sick all the time and gaining almost 40 pounds in 6 months
is by far
the easiest part.
Relationships will change.
Traveling habits will change.
Your breasts....
will have a utilitarian cafeteria-style purpose.

Hearing "mommy" for the first time
will be practically miraculous.
But after 30 times in a row repeated with jumping and whining
is not.
They will smile at you
and you justify the last month of screaming.
When they wake in the morning,
as crazy as it is,
you missed them.
Thinking of the possibility of losing them
you will cry. Instantly. Like an actress.

You act silly
because it makes them smile.
You constantly balance between what is best for them
and what will keep them quiet.
You spend your free time
folding little shirts, pairing little socks and changing little sheets.
You will never clean so much genitalia
in your life.
You take pictures of them sleeping, eating, sitting, crawling, standing...
again and again and make albums out of them and send them to your friends and family.
You play music to the fetus
You pick apples with an infant
You take toddlers to plays
And teach your kindergartner to play the piano.

The noise level, the demand, the fractioning of your selfishness is astounding.
And then a sick bunch of people after one of all this
want to do it all over again. And again.

When people my age ask me what it is like to have kids I don't really know what to say.
When they ask me what I do all day home with them,
again, I don't really know what to say.
But you do it, you never stop doing it because with these little people lies so much vested interest. Lies so much love - of that which you can't define. But since it is so difficult makes it that much more worth it.
When they are hurt, you break too.
When they learn something, your pride abounds.
When they laugh, you will smile too...no matter how mad, sad or annoyed you are.

You will laugh at them
and they will laugh at you.
You will imitate them
as they imitate you.
You will love them with a love so great
and they will love you
unlike anyone you have known yet.

So if you want to be driven crazy, and like it
And if you want to change your life all around
and love it...
Go ahead and have one of these exhausting, funny, loving, witty little things.
And the sweet couple you once were, will be a sweet family with family moments to share.

Sick babies

Little Marc recently and suddenly got sick in his car seat. He vommited and had diarrhea on Friday which precipitated the rest of the family to enjoy this virus this past weekend. I got sick Saturday nite and Gabby woke up screaming a few hours later after having vomited in her bed. My husband and I woke up at least hourly with her all night as she continued to be sick. It was heart wrenching to see a little person vomit and it occurred to me that she didn't know how to do it. I had to kind of coach her. It reminds me how many things we take for granted that we know how to do and how much has to be learned, and learned by experience. Throughout this whole virus, she has been a better patient than I have ever confronted. She must have been so uncomfortable, crampy, feverish, chilly and utterly crappy feeling but she barely complained and didn't cry or fuss. She actually was very sweet and cuddly. And though I would never wish this upon my kids, because I was sick it made it easier to deal with them because they were sick too making them are less active.
So this is my first experience with a major virus in my kids and it has gotten better day by day. Needless to say, we wont be attending any activities this week because it is not necessary to risk getting anyone else sick with this. And I like to do what I hope other parents would do.